[Skippingdisc]

Hi everyone... I've posted on here before. I was dealing with what I hoped to be HOCD for about 2 months right after my family moved away (I live by myself now) was never really an issue but this time it took it's toll on me. I became very depressed and lonely. All my friends and fam are in different states and my family is my ROCK and when they left I just became really sad. Saw life through this depressing lens versus the happy bubbly optimistic one I had before. I did have ocd when I was younger, thoughts of me stabbing my mother. I cried everyday for about 1 1/2 years it was awful. I've always been analytical, maybe a tad neurotic? I'm somewhat of a perfectionist and very hard on myself, I take life and my goals and achievements very seriously and always want to help others. I've had a great life (besides that rough patch when I was younger) but I conquered it (or so I thought) so 3 months ago when my family left HOCD came out of no where. I was hysterical and could barely eat, sleep, stopped enjoying my hobbies, and just had this miserable outlook on life. It made it sooo hard to get out of bed and do my daily duties for work and such. Then I saw my family for a few weeks I needed to get out of this hole, but I still felt like crap. I cried every day for another month. This is when I still had hocd (I guess?) then one evening my sister tried to help me by talking to me about how very intelligent ppl have issues, that I'm 'so smart you're so analytical bla bla' and she compared me somehow to Jeffrey dahmer (sp?) a serial killer and ever since then the hocd has fizzled off but now my mind can't stop thinking about becoming a violent person!!! Someone please, I've never caused a fight I stand up for what I think is right but I've never been a confrontational person. We had that bug sticky traps in our house 6 months ago and mice always got stuck on th I would put oil on them so they could wiggle free, one time I even let one back in the house in our basement because it was so cold outside!! Inside I'm kind of a hippy I couldn't hurt a fly but my mind is telling me that I may snap one day due to depression and that I could do these things. It's scaring the HELL out of me. I hate it. I don't wanna be that person. I've always thought of myself as a rational sane person (I'm a 23 y/o female by the way) I'm constantly thinking 'well maybe ppl who go off the deep end and commit all these vixious crimes go through what you are and that it's not ocd' and I keep doubting myself 'what if you got this sick fix out of it' but a day hasn't passed where I haven't cried. I used to watch the news daily and now I'm scared to because I may read about a murder and it makes me feel down again. This really sucks. When I was younger I still had my family around me. Now I'm by myself and trying to keep busy it's just so so hard to stay distracted. I don't want to feel like this. I waste so much time writing things like this and looking stuff up online. I've bought 2 mental health books to hopefully not feel so alienated in my mind. I wish I could thInk of the hocd again, that just depressed me, and made me sad. This just straight up scares me. I just want to have a different brain and stop this. I want to be sure of myself again. It just feels so real, but I think 'I could never even do that!!!' But the thoughts feel so real. Sorry for the long post! I just feel like I need to explain all aspects before so maybe someone can get a good grasp on this and maybe tell me I'm not going to just lose my senses out of nowhere. Thanks

[healingme4me]

The fact that you don't want to bring harm to the smallest of creatures speaks volumes to doubt you'd become some type of serial killer, overnight. Granted your thoughts might be running you ragged and that was certainly unfair of a statement by your sister. Seeking self help and a support group, also speaks volumes. Depression doesn't necessarily mean someone is about to snap. It's a condition. A condition that can be managed and monitored.

[wheredidthepartygo]

oh gosh i wish none of us had to go through thoughts like this
i basically grew up in fear that i was just waiting for the day i would become "a bad person" because i was always told bad people just do bad things because they're bad and i've always had plenty of very bad thoughts
what i finally (after years of deep fear) realized was that i'm in control of me
as long as i face the problem instead of running from it, i'm in control
when i have a horrid thought i just bring it to the front and say to myself "i am thinking about ______" (insert scary thing) "but it's only a thought"
stuff like that idk but this is coming from someone who fell off the deep end and managed to swim back
and i didn't commit any of the atrocious things that have always haunted me!

[Skippingdisc]

Thank you both very much. It's nice to hear support from others. That makes me feel better just hope the feeling lasts. Yea my sister can't relate much at all were half sisters and I get the analytical/depression side from my dad's side. My grandmother committed suicide due to it I never met her but I guess it's okay to admit maybe it is genetic and take it at face value that I may just be this way and accept that I overthink without panic. It's just scary when you see these images in your head and you're the one doing them.

Very scary, you have my support. But thoughts do not mean you are going to do it.

Last night I had my first serious homicidal thoughts, it scared the crap out of me, I was so scared I was going to snap so I've secluded myself for the next few days. Debating on if I drug myself or just keep dismissing them as intrusive thoughts that I DO NOT want to do.

[MusicMike]

The intrusive thoughts can be VERY scary so you have my compassion. I don't think you are actually going to harm anyone, going by your description here.

[Skippingdisc]

Yea that's not me at all!!! But the vivid descriptions in my head suck. Every day is a battle, I have to go through the mental motions as soon as I wake up get with reality, with the present and realize I'm a good person.

[finding_my_way]

for several years starting around 11 or so, i had horrible images, urges, etc. to harm children and other people. i also had a morbid fascination with serial killers as i got into my teen years. it all spiraled so bad that i had to stop babysitting because i was afraid i might act on the urges.

when they hit, it was like a dissociative state, getting stuck in them, so i am not sure what degree for me was an OCD type thing or PTSD/trauma related mixed with it.

it was incredibly difficult and scary to deal with though.

my OCD stuff seemed to change into other things over several years. now i just deal with cleaning type tendencies when i am stressed or things change in my life which i can deal with much better than the other things i went through.