[hansi11]

First, my sincere thanks to each of the good, decent, thoughtful people who replied to my arrival and who welcomed me to the Forum. Your kindness is already a treasure to me.

As promised, I will elaborate...

Background

I was an only child. My father was mentally retarded, but never diagnosed. I believe that he probably had either autism or schizophrenia. Physically, he was small and weak, and I have inherited his "physique". My mother was mentally deranged - a narcissistic, self-righteous, bullying tyrant. Their marriage was a deranged fraud - they hated each other. Though nominally middle-class, my father's job was poorly-paid and my mother was the main provider. My mother, being the more "sane", realized the abnormality of their marriage early on but tried to live in denial. She deliberately tried to conceal her knowledge of my father's retardation. As a fanatical Roman Catholic she insisted that her marriage must be for life - even as she knew it was ruining three lives. They tried to pretend that their relationship was normal, and could not bear any criticism of it. From my early childhood, I sensed their abnormality. When I dared to point it out, my mother tried to silence me by merciless bullying. My father was extremely passive - he never stood up to my mother's bullying, either of himself or of me. The truth is he was terrified of her. Throughout my youth I was scapegoated for the failure of their marriage. To a child and later a teenager, the effect of being blamed for this was devastating. My childhood and teenage years were spent in an atmosphere of constant mental abuse. It was chronic conflict - mostly between my mother and myself, with my father as a passive observer. No-one ever defended me or helped me. I grew up isolated, intimidated and increasingly withdrawn. I regarded the way I was treated as "domestic terrorism".


Breakdown


I was academically able and studious. I saw this as my "escape ticket". At 17, I won a place to study Medicine at a very prestigious university. Three months after starting, I suddenly walked out. I realized immediately that something bad had happened inside my mind.


It felt as if my mind had "seized-up". My mind was suddenly paralyzed. It has remained so for nearly thirty-five years. I feel as if I am unable to access 90% of my intellectual ability - I can access only about 10% of it. I describe it now as being like a mental equivalent of the neurological "locked-in" syndrome, in which the sufferer is aware of his paralysis but unable to do anything about it. From the onset of the breakdown I was overwhelmed with fear, especially social phobia. I was terrified to go into the lecture hall, or wherever I would have to engage with people. After a few days at home, I noticed an overwhelming desire "to do everything perfectly". I started performing routine tasks (washing, grooming, dressing, cleaning my room) to a "perfectionist" standard. This rapidly became very time-consuming. Being well-informed, I recognized this immediately as OCD (at that time, most of the books were still calling it "obsessional neurosis"!). I also became depressed. But I knew that my depression was a consequence of the OCD and the threat to my career, rather than anything "chemical". I self-referred to the university psychiatrist about the depression. I concealed the OCD from her - as I have done from almost everyone else for nearly thirty-five years now. I was given antidepressants which had negligible, if any, effect. I began to be concerned that the OCD might possibly be secondary, or "masking" a deeper, primary disorder. Obviously I worried about psychosis. But I never manifested any of the main signs or symptoms. I became increasingly withdrawn, and have remained so for most of my life.


My Adult Life


The breakdown took me out of college and back home. My mother's bullying intensified, now that she had a "captive audience" - and a victim who was distraught and vulnerable. Rich pickings for the "professional" bully! Thanks to her narcissism and her religious hysteria, my mother decided my diagnosis: I was not ill, but "wicked", and the most urgent task was to correct my "attitude to my parents". My parents made no serious attempts to get me professional help. The very limited help I did get was dismissed by my mother - because she always "knew better" than any professional. Thus did my life begin to decline - and it has declined ever since.


Having no money, I was trapped at home. Instead of getting help for me, only one "solution" was made available. My mother was obsessed with education. Having dragged herself from a poor background by academic effort, she saw this as a universal solution. Other than education, she had few interests. She had a deep hostility to any activity which could be described as "non-serious" - she hated entertainment, social events and - especially - enjoyment of any kind. She was adamant that whatever money was available should only be spent on education. Given her complete ignorance of human relationships, spending any money on psychiatrists was out of the question.


What happened? My mother kept me at college. Despite being seriously mentally injured, I enrolled repeatedly. Of course I made very little progress. I had to repeat every year - often several times. I dropped out several times, and returned several times. In total, this pattern continued - incredible but true - for nearly twenty years. Having started at 17, I finally abandoned my nightmare at 36 - having got no qualification. I later wrote a thesis which enabled me to finally collect a degree at the age of 42. The entire experience was devastating.


For most of this ordeal - until I was 31 - I lived at home. Mentally injured, and persistently bullied, I was trying to study - and failing. My peers shunned me, so I had no network. Between 18 and 36 I had no holiday of any kind - in that time I did not set foot outside my home city. In that time I did not even have a single day away.


For the past sixteen years, I have been a virtual recluse. Most of my time is spent in my small apartment. The Internet is a great tonic, and I read a lot. Most days I will go for a walk for an hour. A large part of my day is spent doing my OCD rituals. OCD is now so entrenched that I would find it impossible to think of my life without it.




That is my summary. I wanted to keep it concise, but I will gladly elaborate on any aspect if asked.




Now - I need advice - and help. I am fearful for my future. I am desperate.



Can someone out there please help me? Thanks.




Hansi.

[CANDC]

Hi Hansi. Sorry you have suffered so much in your life. I have arrived at Psych Central and found many people that listen to me, empathize with me, and even though they cannot solve my problems, I feel better coming here to where people understand me.

I have been isolated a lot myself. I found that I had to "escape" from my isolation step by step. I tried, painting, writing poetry, music and eventually got more involved with people through these activities. The answers are inside you. We can help you to believe you are the wonderful person we see waiting to bloom. We can encourage you, comfort you, be with you. Just let us know and we are there for you.

What I did to help myself was make a private list of things I hoped to do in this life with the hypothetical one year time line. If you think you have 40 years it is hard to create a sense of urgency.

Well let us know your ideas for slowly breaking open the shell and stretching your wings and soaring.

[hansi11]

Originally Posted by CANDC

Hi Hansi. Sorry you have suffered so much in your life. I have arrived at Psych Central and found many people that listen to me, empathize with me, and even though they cannot solve my problems, I feel better coming here to where people understand me.

I have been isolated a lot myself. I found that I had to "escape" from my isolation step by step. I tried, painting, writing poetry, music and eventually got more involved with people through these activities. The answers are inside you. We can help you to believe you are the wonderful person we see waiting to bloom. We can encourage you, comfort you, be with you. Just let us know and we are there for you.

What I did to help myself was make a private list of things I hoped to do in this life with the hypothetical one year time line. If you think you have 40 years it is hard to create a sense of urgency.

Well let us know your ideas for slowly breaking open the shell and stretching your wings and soaring.

Hi CANDC,

Just to say thanks very much for your kind reply. Your words are thoughtful, with plenty of wisdom. It's great to feel the empathy from good souls such as yourself. Yes, a lot of us have spent too much of our lives in our "comfort zone" - of isolation - which of course is no real comfort zone at all. You are right to emphasize the importance of reaching out to others. I am working on my plans for this and will write of them soon.

Thanks again, best wishes,

Hansi.

[MusicMike]

Let me express my compassion for the serious suffering you have endured for so many years. I also had a miserable childhood and have suffered for many years in adulthood, with some possible relief on the horizon.

Is it possible for you at this point to seek the care of a therapist and psychiatrist? I think that a therapist could help you process the trauma and gain inner strength for addressing the current disorders, and a psychiatrist could help you search for medication for the OCD. I have OCD and also take a medication that helps with PTSD (gabapentin) which might be something treatable in your case as well.

With compassion,
Mike

[hansi11]

Originally Posted by MusicMike

Let me express my compassion for the serious suffering you have endured for so many years. I also had a miserable childhood and have suffered for many years in adulthood, with some possible relief on the horizon.

Is it possible for you at this point to seek the care of a therapist and psychiatrist? I think that a therapist could help you process the trauma and gain inner strength for addressing the current disorders, and a psychiatrist could help you search for medication for the OCD. I have OCD and also take a medication that helps with PTSD (gabapentin) which might be something treatable in your case as well.

With compassion,
Mike

Hello Mike,

Thank you very much for your thoughtful and kind comments.

Having made many attempts to get professional help which were not successful, naturally I am cautious. Where I live, the public services are over-subscribed and the private ones expensive. So I have to be very judicious in choosing someone. Sometimes I feel that the depth of the help I need is so overwhelming, that I am paralyzed in my decision-making.

I certainly think that I could probably benefit from CBT to dilute the OCD and I am going to make a fresh effort to get this help.

I hope you are coping well. Please keep in touch, and again my thanks.

Hansi.

[avlady]

Hello there i heard you!!!I think you should see a doc and t. they would do wonders if only you could find a way to afford one. i would also try to get away from your abusive parents as soon as you can. i know there are some transitional places in the usa. hopefully you will be able to get the help you so need, and i will pray.

[hansi11]

Originally Posted by avlady

Hello there i heard you!!!I think you should see a doc and t. they would do wonders if only you could find a way to afford one. i would also try to get away from your abusive parents as soon as you can. i know there are some transitional places in the usa. hopefully you will be able to get the help you so need, and i will pray.

Dear Friend,

Thank you so much for your helpful and kind words. I am looking for a psychiatrist. Very difficult after so many bad encounters with them, but I will keep trying. Actually, I don't see my parents very often, despite their living only 10 miles away. I find visiting their house almost unbearable. Thank you for your prayers - that is particularly welcome. And of course I pray for you too, right here-and-now (1 a.m. in UK). God be with you - and thanks again.

Hansi.

[MusicMike]

Originally Posted by hansi11

Hello Mike,

Thank you very much for your thoughtful and kind comments.

Having made many attempts to get professional help which were not successful, naturally I am cautious. Where I live, the public services are over-subscribed and the private ones expensive. So I have to be very judicious in choosing someone. Sometimes I feel that the depth of the help I need is so overwhelming, that I am paralyzed in my decision-making.

I certainly think that I could probably benefit from CBT to dilute the OCD and I am going to make a fresh effort to get this help.

I hope you are coping well. Please keep in touch, and again my thanks.

Hansi.

Hansi,
I'll say a prayer that you have the fortitude to keep seeking help until you find a good therapist or psychiatrist. The financial burden is difficult and not very fair either... often the people with the least financial resources are the ones who need the most help. Or at least that is true here in the U.S.

With compassion,
Mike

[hansi11]

Originally Posted by MusicMike

Hansi,
I'll say a prayer that you have the fortitude to keep seeking help until you find a good therapist or psychiatrist. The financial burden is difficult and not very fair either... often the people with the least financial resources are the ones who need the most help. Or at least that is true here in the U.S.

With compassion,
Mike

Hi Mike,

Thanks for your support! Part of the difficulty in finding an effective psychiatrist or therapist is that the process is such a "hit or miss". So many times I have sought help which turned out to be ineffective - or worse. When quite a bit of money has been spent on this over the years, it magnifies the natural reluctance to "throw good money after bad". But I will stick at it.

I pray for you, too, for your mind to be healthy and at peace.

Warm wishes,

Hansi.

[MusicMike]

Originally Posted by hansi11

Hi Mike,

Thanks for your support! Part of the difficulty in finding an effective psychiatrist or therapist is that the process is such a "hit or miss". So many times I have sought help which turned out to be ineffective - or worse. When quite a bit of money has been spent on this over the years, it magnifies the natural reluctance to "throw good money after bad". But I will stick at it.

I pray for you, too, for your mind to be healthy and at peace.

Warm wishes,

Hansi.

Yes, it does take patience to find a good mental health provider, and any natural anxieties you may have are no doubt amplified by the OCD (and probably PTSD which I think you have in a sort of way, based on your descriptions here). So it's not an easy spot to be in. Thanks for your good wishes. I have a lot of suffering too, and progress is slow.

With compassion,
Mike

[winonaocd]

I am really sorry to hear about the way your family has treated you. My mother is also a narcissist, and incapable of love. She neglected her children, and lost us as a result. And my father kept me at a far distance, refusing to get involved and showed his love with money. I know what it's like to wish you could pick your family.

Some advice for your OCD: I have been trying hypnotherapy. I decided to go a different route after much failure with first a CBT psychologist and then a psychotherapist who just made me relive my trauma over and over again, and provided no tools for me. In hypnotherapy, you not only get the obvious coaching to end these debilitating behaviors, but you also gain access to your subconscious mind, which you can use as a tool to escape to in times of stress. I have been doing this for a month now, and it has helped. I'll go a couple of days without rituals, so it is working. The obsessions do creep back, however, sometimes stronger than before, and you may relapse and give into your rituals, but this is part of the healing process. We are not going to be OCD-free immediately. It takes time. I would really suggest this form of treatment. I am against dr