[hjames]

Let me try to be succinct but complete. Meds haven't helped and so far I haven't connected with the right therapist.

I was bullied from 6-12th grade and suffered from debilitating migraines. I came home to a bullying mother who blocked me from sports, jobs, friends, camp, etc.

I was also love-shy in the full sense of it - not just shy but paradoxically obsessed with the beauty and impossible perfection of women and daydreaming but doing little about it.

At 23 I met my first and only girlfriend, who I married after some hiccups at 30.

Now in my mid 40's the marriage has been tested a bit, my career stagnant, etc. Last year I started taking stock of my life and spending maybe 6-10 hours a day thinking about high school and what I could have done differently. Mostly, about how in HS and college I missed my chance to have girlfriends (or even just platonic dates).

I started scanning my old photos into the computer and I got OCD about all the scanner settings, what names to use for files, and worried I would lose photos.

Then things took a bad turn.

I started scanning my wife's old photos of the same era from her. She forgot all the things she had, and I could see she had a normal growing up that she has been hiding a bit from me (as a bit of kindness as she knows my past).

I went down a dark and shameful path and read all her diaries, calendars, letters, etc. I labeled, catalogued, created spreadsheets. In a way I became her, in exploring her life.

I wanted to be her, or I wanted to meet her as a teen, or I wanted to feel what it was like to be one of those boyfriends. I wanted to be me, too, in different scenarios where I could replay and improve the past.

I want to understand her past, my past, my jealousy, my "what ifs" and make sense of it all. I minored in philosophy and I have this stupid notion I can sort everything out and make sense of it - if only I was logical enough.

I think this is Pure-O. I don't know if anyone wants to weigh in here. Meanwhile, these thoughts are pretty much my life and have been since last December.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Well I am not sure what this means for you but I think it is pretty normal to look back at our lives and think about what could have happened differently and how this would have changed things for us. You are not the only one obsessing, for me it is thoughts about a man in his mid-forties, married and has kids. Do you have kids? You did not say. Anyways, I obsess a lot about being in his life, what it might be like somehow. It is an obsession that has gone on for a couple years however. It is getting better. I think if I had more going on in my own life that I could put into perspective and just be thankful for, I'd probably not obsess so much about wanting to be in his life, because it seems like it would be perfect. Logically, I know it wouldn't be, but in my mind, I would be so happy with him.
Anyways, I am sorry to hear about you being bullied and then your mom on top of it all. Hang in there, I think you are doing some incredible work exploring your life and your relationships. It's great you are talking about it here, as it would be difficult to keep all that to yourself. Thanks for sharing. I think it is very brave of you.

[hjames]

Thank you for the validation. I was a bit hesitant to post since some of it is reprehensible - the diary snoop! But I see some themes cropping up all the time now of people wanting things that are impossible. And if I'm honest with myself I can't say I'd want to be "cured" if it meant I'd forget all the interesting learnings along the way.

[divine1966]

It does sound perhaps like OCD. Remembering the past is fine but 10 hours a day thinking of high school is probably something you recognize as excessive. Did you talk to your t? Do you have a t? My BF has OCD. He did a lot of CBT in his life and found it helpful and he is currently on Meds as it started interfere with his work. Talk to a professional

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