[twister744]

I know this is long but if you can please read it all. I have tried countless things to try an resolve these issues and I don't know what to do anymore. I've talked to about 6 different counselors and I don't want to take medications. I took them for ADHD growing up and don't trust any pharmaceuticals anymore as they gave me many of the problems I am searching for answers for anyways. I've got a bunch of different issues and have tried everything I can think of but everything remains the same. No one seems to get that. I have so many things to be fortunate about. I'm young and a fairly recent college grad. I've got a degree I could get a job with and a high gpa from college. I've got no college loan dept and great friends and family. I also have some hobbies I am pretty good at and am a musician. But I struggle with mental health so much. Here's what I'm dealing with. It's a couple different things so I didn't know exactly where to post it. So I posted it on a couple of the forums.

Depression- I honestly haven't felt like I want to be alive in a while. The guilt just keeps me here. My family has done so much for me, I can't do that to them. I already feel ungrateful for feeling so bad when I am such a lucky person compared to most people on this planet. I've struggled with depression and obsessive suicidal thoughts since I was about 14. I feel numb.

Dermatillomania/ compulsive skin picking- I pick and bite at the skin on my hands, mostly my knuckles. I have since I was 15. I have definite damage on my hands like calluses and scars. My hands look ****ed up. As a musician, this really bothers me. Sometimes my hands throb with pain at the end of the day. I worry I will do permanent damage and it will affect my music. I also don't like drawing attention to my hands and performing music for people does exactly that. I do this all day long. I can't stop no matter what I try. It's hard for me to be honest with people about this because I am ashamed of it. People either say oh that's just a bad habit and say I should just not worry about it or think I'm absolutely crazy. I rarely find people who really get this. It started when I was taking a medication for ADHD it is actually listed as a side effect. Those medications are hell for anyone who has OCD tendencies. I feel like this behavior controls me. I do it so much throughout the day. I can't stop. It's like an addiction but I can't remove my hands so the temptation is always there.

ADHD- I took medication for about 10 years when I was growing up. I resented the meds a lot as they made my mental health problems much worse and gave me many side effects. Now I can't really take the meds given my mental condition and how they effect me. But my life is a disorganized mess. After having the clarity the meds gave me, I focus even worse than before I took them. The ADHD issues definitely increase my stress which affects everything else.

Anxiety- I have a ton of anxiety. Social anxiety too. I withdraw a lot. I get panic attacks and the anxiety affects my stomach and breathing a lot. They can come out of no where. I had a really bad one that resulting in me having to go to the hospital. My whole body basically shut down.

This is a very brief description of what I'm dealing with daily. I'm really good at giving off the persona that I'm okay. But I'm not. Even though I could get a job with my degree, I don't. I don't want to settle in one place right now. It's hard to be motivated about the future when I honestly feel like I don't even want a future. Also I have a processing deficit. School was a big struggle. Everything took me about twice as long as everyone else. So a normal 40 hour a week job is just way too much responsibility for me to handle right now. The outside work would take me so long that I would become sleep deprived like I used to be when I was in school and that makes everything way worse. I've done internships in the field so I know exactly how demanding a job would be and I would honestly have a break down. I'm barely afloat as it is. I'm moving around right now doing different work exchanges and living in communities. Finding jobs for 3-6 months at a time. That lifestyle is fitting me well right now. At the moment I am home looking for work and trying to save money for a few months until I go to a work exchange in the spring. But being home makes things worse. That is all I will explain for now. Please, any advice or support or any response would be nice. I really don't know what to do. I am very health conscious and have tried talking to about 6 different counselors. I can't find any that I can truly open up to. I also have basically no money right now so that limits options a lot. Healthy diet, exercise and spending time lots of time in nature has been what has helped me the most but still everything really feels like it stays the same even with that.

[davidshq]

Hi Twister,
I'm sorry for your struggles - I can identify with most of them. Here are a few thoughts - let me know what you think:
- Regarding the chewing on hands, I'd recommend putting something that tastes bad on your hands (vinegar, lotion, etc.) so that when you begin to bite on them you are treated with a negative taste. This may help in conditioning your mind to associate biting your hands with negative rather than positive feelings. I have issues with pulling hair and picking at skin - so I can understand a bit.
- Depression is a nasty one. I know you don't want to take medications - but I would suggest an anti-depressant may be very helpful...they oftentimes help with anxiety and depression...might even help with the dermotillomania. I've taken zoloft, prozac, and wellbutrin. I've found prozac the most helpful for ocd, wellbutrin the most helpful for depression - I currently take both.
- Have you seen a therapist who performs Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT)? Traditional talk-therapy doesn't work with some forms of anxiety - I think dermatillomania is one of them. I'd see a CBT therapist if you haven't already.
- I've read a really good book by a CBT calling Feeling Good The New Mood Therapy (David Burns), I'd highly recommend it for combatting the depression.
Best Wishes,
Dave

[twister744]

It just scares me to take anti depressents. I have taken many medications and had bad reactions to some. I know it is probably fine but it gives me so much anxiety now to even think of taking a pharmacital drug. I've had some pretty bad side effects and reactions to them in the past that were terrifying and uncomfortable. And now that i read the long term effects and see how it could have been what caused many of my problems. Like the compulsive habit started as soon as I took a certain stimulant and it is listed as a side effect. Trich and dermitillomania are side effects for them. it just makes it hard for me to trust any of these drugs. no one knows much about them and who knows what other health problems i could end up with from a new drug. plus i dont want to become dependent on them. i just cant go down that road anymore. i havent seen a counselor that does cbt. i could try to find one. my options are very limited as i have very little money and my insurance doesn't cover much. the thing about the biting, picking at my hands is that it is soothing. it stresses me so much to not do it and with everything in life being so stressful right now im not sure i want to rock the boat.

[davidshq]

I've had some really bad experiences with medications too. I hope sometime you'll be willing to give them another try - I think they are probably the fastest way for you to experience some relief.
While I know many of the drugs have serious side effects, I also have never heard of them causing permanent side effects - e.g., I'm not sure that the dermotillomania was caused by the medications - it may have been coincidental that it started around the same time - or it may have been exasperated at the time, but probably the ongoing issue is not related to the medication. Usually once the medication exits the system, the side effects taper off. You could ask a psychiatrist more about this - I'm not one.
Other than medications, CBT is your best bet. Do you live near any universities/colleges? Sometimes they will have less expensive options. In Philadelphia for example, I believe it is PCOM offers CBT sessions for $25/session (if memory serves me right). Yeah, it is a student performing the sessions - but, especially with things like CBT, it is a fairly definite process and less subject to the individual whims of the counselor (imho).
Do you think life is especially hard right now or is your anxiety especially bad? Could you find an alternative, less damaging behavior to soothe you?

[twister744]

Adhd medication is a little different than anti-depressents. Adhd meds are known to cause tics and things like tourettes in people. These people usually are pre-disposed to getting something like that but it is the medication that starts it in motion. I firmly believe the dermitillomania was caused by the drug I was taking. For one, it is listed as a side effect for the drug on the drugs official side effect list. It also started literally when I started the medication. I mean the habit started exactly when I first started taking the medication. It felt weird to me that suddenly I was finding myself doing a completely new and unusual habit for hours a day. I have read numerous posts from people who have behavior like this on drugs like adderall. Where they just start picking for hours and lose all time. When I say it caused it, I mean if I had never taken that medication I know it wouldn't be the issue it is today. So people can debate all they want whether it can be proven as a cause but I know that if I had never taken those meds I would never have developed a habit this out of control. I wouldn't have had all the anxiety and done that habit for so long. When I didn't take meds I didn't pick for hours but when I did I would spend hours picking at my face, hands or scalp usually when it was wearing off. I couldn't stop. Adhd drugs can cause tics as side effects and the tics do not go away when the med stops for many people. There are many cases where drugs the FDA says is okay ends up causing irreversible side effects and damage. There are drugs that are recalled all the time. Just cause a drug has been out for 10 years, I don't necessarily believe it is safe. Do we know what it does long-term to the brain? The answer to that is no. We absolutely do not know. We have no way of knowing right now.

It is worse if your brain is developing on a drug. That was the case with me. They tell us all the time in school we should not take drugs or drink cause our brains are still growing and developing but what about all these drugs they put kids on? long term use of adhd meds in childhood is linked to depression. I was invited to a national study that was to see if long term use of adhd medication caused brain damage. They said they believed I was in the threshold for having possible brain damage. Why are we just now looking into whether or not these drugs cause long term damage? They have been on the market for like 50 plus years. I don't mean to go on such a long rant but I really don't believe that pharmacitals are as safe as they say. So while the medication is not causing me to pick at my skin right now. Years of taking the medication that made me feel compelled to do that specific behavior has started a pattern that I can't stop so in my opinion the on going issue is still related to the drug. I don't want to support the pharmacitical industry in any way. I don't mean to rant so much but I seriously think people need to research these things and know about what they are taking. How it effects people and what it does long term. If the drug has a lot of long term research I will consider taking it but I have yet to find many drugs that have been researched enough for me to feel comfortable taking them.

[davidshq]

I agree with you that ADHD medications can cause tics, etc. I take Adderall currently (XR 20 mg) and it causes vocal tics for me. I've decided that the benefits I receive from the medication outweigh significantly the detriments - so I keep taking them...
I agree we need to be careful with what medications we take and that the medications aren't always as safe as they say. I just encourage everyone to consider whether the potential dangers of the drug outweigh the potential positive effects. For me, I'd rather lose three years of my life at the end and be able to live better now, than to struggle now and struggle for those three years at the end...It comes down to math for me. I understand if the math doesn't add up in your situation.
Dave

[twister744]

Originally Posted by davidshq

I agree with you that ADHD medications can cause tics, etc. I take Adderall currently (XR 20 mg) and it causes vocal tics for me. I've decided that the benefits I receive from the medication outweigh significantly the detriments - so I keep taking them...
I agree we need to be careful with what medications we take and that the medications aren't always as safe as they say. I just encourage everyone to consider whether the potential dangers of the drug outweigh the potential positive effects. For me, I'd rather lose three years of my life at the end and be able to live better now, than to struggle now and struggle for those three years at the end...It comes down to math for me. I understand if the math doesn't add up in your situation.
Dave

That makes sense. I am considering trying medication. I just worry about it working well for a year or a couple years and then not working anymore and ultimately feeling worse without the medication after a couple years of use than I do now and being left right where I am now. Or it messing with the way I feel and not being able to go back to what it was like before. These are probably not legitimate concerns. I'm not sure. I've never taken medications for anxiety of depression long term. I often feel as though my problems with adhd are much worse than they used to be before medication and like after a few years it felt like it wasn't working that well but I felt dependent on it and it would be stressful when it wasn't working. I know they are different drugs and the situation would be different but it's hard to change these feelings.

[lorax177]

I've been there buddy. I believe in you, you deserve to have a good life, and you'll get there someday. If you ever need to talk, just PM me. Also telling your family about this might be a good plan.

As for the derma, try wearing gloves or wrapping your hands in medical tape, and invest in some stim toys. If you use your teeth to pick, a chewey toy might help, or even gum, because it gives your mouth a distraction from picking. Also, things like putty or handheld stim toys could keep your hands occupied so you'll be less likley to pick them. Stimtastic Chewable Jewelry, Stim Toys and Fidgets this site is really good, you can also find other sites that have similar stuff. Other key words to search for are "fidget toys" and "sensory toys". There are lots of different kinds and they're all really cool bc you can play with them to keep your hands or mouth occupied and it actually improves focus for people with adhd, anxiety, autism, sensory processing disorder, etc. You can also find cheaper ones on Amazon.

[Nimitri]

I send you my hugs and I understand you. I'm passing through something similar and I had a rebound of my OCD along with Depression and Anxiety. It's hard controlling your thoughts and your feelings. What I'm doing and what my therapist (who does CBT) is mindfulness, a breathing exercise of living in the now, the now and what is happening. About work I concur with you, one of my greatest fears is having to work 14 hours a day, living poor without able to pay my medicine and having somebody to take care of. The sheer stress and suffering it would entail and the image of me breaking my back and crying impotent to the world made me want to vomit. For that, I'm also doing exercise and I working in writing all this thoughts and fears the moment they came to relax.

I do three hearing prayers to calm myself, to battle depression, anxiety and OCD:

Silva Method, you can find it in youtube. They allow me to take out my stress.

Compassionate Abiding: to not hurt oneself, to let the pain (or in your case, the desire of hurting yourself) be so you can forgive them and heal them.

Ho'oponopono. I honestly don't know what mp3 recommend you since I use mp3, but this helped me to maintain my workload (you know, it took me 10 years to finish my career because problems never seemed to end, paperwork lost, I had troubles with my groups and became addicted to the internet) and to allow me to feel control of my life and of my morality.

I truly hope something I had said will help you. Take care and may you grow stronger and healthier. See ya.