Found an origin of some of my intrusive thoughts -- is this common?

So I don't know if I'd call this a success story as much as uncovering another layer. I was taking a ride home with a friend of mine (sometimes I carpool, basically) and I kind of uncovered one layer (emphasis on "one" because I don't think it's going to magically explain everything). So basically it comes back to 2013, and that group I might have talked about earlier (I know I definitely talk about them a lot, but I think I'm just realizing the extent of the damage I got from that year. This year's been upsetting in places, but I am at least getting stuff resolved. 2013, on the other hand...). One intrusive thought I have does seem to be a stuck segment from a video from one of them I watched (basically a character in a film saying something I won't repeat there -- that was the intrusive/stuck thought), and the more I examine it, the video it was from, and what happened in 2013 in general, the more I kind of realize that group just did some awful stuff. For example, there was that one person who made fun of people with panic attacks, and someone else who



It was kind of for, if I recall correctly, some sort of handing-out-autism-badges thing. I guess it doesn't help that it's kind of a personal matter for me -- I've struggled with being on the autistic spectrum...probably since I was little, at least. So that...that definitely hit a nerve. It was one of many things, really, that made 2013 awful.

I know I probably shouldn't care as much about those people as I do (I mean, I'm away from them, thank God. And I think getting away from them was the right thing to do), but I guess finding that making links between certain things is kind of helpful. It didn't cause my OCD, because I've had that since I was little as well (I think I got it from my mom -- she has a lot of OCD traits), but I think it definitely exacerbated it. So there is that. I remember also just turning to horror movies and such as a bit of an escape from stuff going on in the real world (which is a weird choice, I know, but for me it worked), so that's another piece of how that fits in. It feels like a highlight reel, honestly, of just how-did-I-not-realize-how-screwed-up-this-is. Mom also suggested that I had sort of been in that group so long their behavior seemed almost normal.

So I found one possible root of one intrusive thought. And weirdly enough, finding the possible root kind of weakened its power a little. Which is a plus.

I'm sorry it's probably just me but I'm not making the connection between the things you talked about. What kind of group was this?

It was a fandom. I guess what was pretty devastating about it, among other things, was that I really did manage to make some pretty good friends there. So that was another effect. As for the connection...I guess it was just kind of a realization that there were people out there who thought that picking on people with anxiety and people who were on the autistic spectrum were the last acceptable targets, so to speak, and nobody was going to say anything. For all intents and purposes, I was probably the bad guy. Maybe I was. Maybe I'm really overreacting about something (it's not the first time. ). But it was definitely pretty painful, and it did kind of remind me a bit of when I was younger, so I guess that didn't exactly help any. (Someone asked if I had some sort of trauma as a kid reflecting through this, and...well, from a certain point of view, yeah. More precisely, school-related trauma. I mean, so far, in my digging, I've found a lot of stuff that links back to school-related trauma that was put behind me but not really resolved) I...hope that makes sense.

It does make sense. Except the part about you being the bad guy The rest sounds worthy of further consideration. I am capable of reflection and introspection but I've never been able to connect the intrusive/unwanted/disturbing thoughts to any particular thing. Old hostilities repressed way down deep? Or short circuits in the synaptic process? It was scary at first but I've long since realized that I won't act on those thoughts or impulses.
Bad experiences in school? I can only think of one myself that wasn't just in passing. And yet I had nightmares for years about escaping from my high school Was school tough for you?

Well, thank you. It's reassuring to know that I'm not the bad guy, at least. And yeah, knowing that you won't act on those impulses or thoughts is reassuring, but I will admit that it is still scary. I can't say for certain if that's why I have intrusive thoughts, but I can at least pinpoint where they started. Where everything popped up. And kind of making the connections of "oh, this started there" is enough to kind of alleviate the thoughts. That and finding how they can pop up from the oddest stimuli. Which...honestly, I'm wondering if there are some buried feelings that might become clearer the more reexamining I do.

And yeah, school...it had its good moments, but it also had its downright awful ones. Mostly involving me clashing with teachers and such. I think they just didn't know how to handle a kid with learning disabilities.