[stressmaster22]

Typing this is very difficult for me, for it means confronting some repressed memories of mine, but I desperately need help.

I'm turning 21 next month. I've always had issues in regards to my gender and sexuality and spent a long time finding myself throughout the course of my life. I'm happily nonbinary and not straight, but it took a while to come to said conclusions. I've since received a professional diagnosis of OCD and a myriad of other things.

To start off, whether or not this is related to the main subject of this post is unclear in my mind, but I feel it is worth noting. When I was very young, a neighbor child of mine did what I'm not sure was sexual assault. He wanted us to play a game, it included me taking my clothes off and getting into bed with him. I don't remember if anything happened, I don't remember how old I was at the time either. All I can clearly remember is the initiation of the game, me complying, and his mother kicking me out of the house afterwards. I was between 5 and 8 years old, that's all I know.

Now, onto the main issue. I'm not sure what it counts as, sexual assault or otherwise, but when I was either 13 or 14 years old I did something awful. My brother (4 years younger) is an awfully heavy sleeper. When our parents were out, I snuck into the room he was sleeping in (wearing only a robe) and touched my penis to his leg. I quickly fled the room, and that was that. I did this once or twice more on separate occasions, wanting to know what it felt like to have that part of my body touched. I felt disgusting afterwards. At one point, I remember kissing him on the mouth as well to see what it felt like.

These events have haunted me for years now. I always told myself I would confess to a priest one day, or something of that nature, believing I am destined to go to hell. Am I a gross person? Am I a filthy child molester? I don't know what to do with myself and the guilt is eating me alive.

Please be honest with me, what should I do?

[Skeezyks]

Hello stressmaster22: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

You know... children experiment with sex even before they understand what it's all about. What you did was simply innocent childhood exploration... nothing more. It is nothing to feel ashamed of... nothing to be haunted by... It's simply your adult mind, which looks back on these incidents through the filter of societal, & perhaps religious, morality that causes you to imagine you may be a "filthy child molester" who is going to hell. You are not... & you won't!

Please stop beating yourself up over this! But, if you simply cannot, then seek the services of a therapist with whom you can work through these emotions. Allowing them to continue to rattle around in your thoughts is simply going to cause you further heartache & desperation. Being here on PsychCentral, & continuing to post about this can help too. But many people find that reaching out for help in real life is the surest path toward healing.

I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find deep peace in your life.