Scrupulosity

i have Scrupulosity
I keep saying to my self Jesus is coming soon over and over
My sister is due home soon but my husband is looking after my mums pet while my sister is looking after me as she cant look after my mums pets as they have fell out

Keep saying and saying rocking back and forth i know that Jesus will be here soon am waiting for him he will be here soon
am also repeating this song as well

unsure how my sister is going to react she normally dont understand my mental health and she dont know the full story of it she dont understand why i need more meds and why i cant be on my own for very long
she was scared to go this morning but my husband come back to the house to see me and has traveled 20 miles back to my mums
Am here on my own i need to pray as well

Jesus will be here soon

I think I, too, may suffer from Scrupulosity, but in a very different way.

I am adamantly atheist -- yet I can't seem to "get over" religion. I mean it's everywhere these days, all over social media and the news. And it's so horrifying! I'm terrified of zealots who kill and die for their made-up fantasy. I'm afraid of extremists who murder non-believers and apostates in cold blood and actually expect to "go to heaven" for it. I'm scared of the "Jesus freaks," the raving evangelicals and fundamentalists who will spread the "good word" by force or coercion if necessary. I think that the most likely "end of the world" scenario involves religious fanatics getting their hands on weapons of mass destruction -- it's not implausible.

I'm kept up nights worrying about religion, wondering if and how we will ever get past it as a species, trying to figure out how I could possibly contribute to a secular world. Because the world nowadays is a cluster**** of religious nonsense, with so many people killing one another in the name of their imaginary friend. There's so much violence and bigotry and hatred, all done in the name of "god." And yet, despite a total lack of evidence, the majority of humanity still believes in religion, in a "god" or "spirituality" or whatever else! That seriously blows my mind. How can so many people be so misled? How can brainwashing and indoctrination go so far? Why am I in a hated and feared minority, as an atheist?

The world has gone crazy and I'm one of the few sane people left. And that's so sad and so terrifying all at once.

I'm sorry that your sister doesn't understand. If my family didn't understand my illness to some degree it would be harder for me to function. I hope you have some relief soon. My psychiatrist just increased my antidepressant for controlling my OCD. It's helping quite a bit thankfully. Bless you

*There's likely nothing wrong with me and this post is pure narcissism but maybe the solidarity will help*

I've wondered if I've experienced bouts of a form of "secular" scrupulosity - losing sleep or being driven to recurrent anxiety over moral issues, conflicts between "I want" and "I ought." My worldview devolving to black and white, good and bad - I've been in a state of that lately and fervently exploring old-time faiths to find some kind of salvation, something that will help...

It looks really bad that this came to a peak around the same time I started exploring all kinds of weird spiritual stuff to fill an internal void, both the moral obsession and spiritual interests weaving around each other. I feel like they're mostly coinciding but after Billions' post, now I get to worry that I'm innately broken in yet another way (granted, modern out-there stuff fills the void, whereas I'm bridging the secular and orthodox worlds regarding morality...see below).

In fact, for the last couple weeks I've had a very loud, very persistent internal voice (my own, I don't hallucinate) telling me, outright, that I'm a bad person; that I'm evil despicable, the worst person on earth. My triggers range from stupid to crazy, and I can't explain rationally why I'm so awful, I just know. Every time I do something I know isn't ideal, that thought replays: "I'm awful. I'm the worst. I failed, again. I'm a failure and there's nothing I can do."

Not sure if that's relatable at all, to anyone, but there you go.

Oh no ... scrupulosity. I catch myself doing it too, when under stress. Did I do the right thing? Is this going to turn out well? Am I expecting too much? Am I being reasonable? It's like self-doubt magnified to full-blown existential dread.

I think ambiguous situations I want to turn out well activate this stuff. Desire plus doubt equals self-monitoring for anything potentially shaming. Like social anxiety, OCD and GAD put in a jar and shaken well.

i am having thought that i am trans on top of the things with my faith
i have to make up my mind if i want to follow Jesus go to church av not been to church this Sunday ...i am a mess ...self injured ,not eating
if Jesus now he'd see am a sinner

there after me putting suicidal thoughts in my head i know there doing this
they want my mind and everyone else mind so they can control us all and make them think like them
its going to be like the ****ing matrix...we are ****ed if we dont fight back