[SROB1983]

The hardest part about my life with mental illness has been since I lost my nana and saw her after she passed away 7 years ago. Ever since then it's like something clicked, and whenever I have these cycles of anxiety/depression, it is linked to ruminating thoughts about my mortality and how everyone I love will die and be lifeless like my nana.

I am 33 years old, married with 2 children. I have a low-stress job. I have friends and family.

The thoughts are so obsessive, I will walk past an old person in a supermarket and think they are going to die soon. I picture myself in a nursing home.

I also have random thoughts about generations of people. If I am with my mum and my daughter, sometimes I will think about how long my mum has left to live (she's not even 60), how long I will have left and how long my kids will.

I know on an intellectual level that humans can't live forever, but the thought of not being with the ones I love is terrifying. It's like my emotional state can't accept it.

I also wonder if any of it has to do with the fact that I lost my nana 7 years ago and in that time I also lost my childhood friend to cancer. I had 2 cancer scares of my own, and I had an episode of anaesthesia awareness (where you are awake on the operating table but you can't tell the medical team). I also had a car crash and was almost killed.

Is this OCD? PTSD? How can I get help?

I find so many things are triggering for me, and it's hard for me to parent my children properly living in fear.

Thank you.

[TishaBuv]

You have had traumatic experiences and are feeling in ways that are certainly worthy of finding a good therapist to help.

[*Laurie*]

Hi SROB1983, I am so sorry for your loss.

I am having a problem that is very similar to yours. I have had an unusual number of losses (family and pets). During the past 4 years I have become fairly obsessed with thoughts of loved ones and others, even strangers, dying. For example, I have five cats that I love every much. Every time I look at them I think about them getting sick and what it will be like when they are dying or dead, and when it will happen. I do this with people, too. It's like living death, not living life. Nothing has helped me, and I also wonder...is this OCD or PTSD? I do have moderate OCD, and I have been diagnosed with PTSD, but my question still remains. I am on several meds that help me, but nothing has stopped the death-thoughts and other "dark" thoughts.

I was on a long waiting list to see a therapist in my town and I finally have an appointment with her for Friday. When in therapy, I will be focusing on the very question you and I are both asking. My general belief is that what you're describing is a combination of PTSD and OCD.

By the way, Welcome to PC

[DechanDawa]

The anaesthesia awareness alone seems terrifying. It seems like you should see a counselor. It sounds like you have PTSD. I think you could sort out the various events with your counselor.

But overall what you are experiencing seems normal, just intensified. I lost my mother at the same age you lost your nana. It took a very long time (about 7 years) for my grief to settle down. I remember every night before I went to sleep I would think of my husband and son and think, "Everyone is safe. Everyone is safely tucked in bed."

Maybe you could try something like that.

I am sure there are those people who would say what you are experiencing is "reality" and get used to it. However, some people are more sensitive.

This problem is rather complicated and I truly hope you seek out some sort of counseling that would include PTSD and grief counseling.

[SROB1983]

Thanks so much for all of the replies.