OCD havoc! Finding it exhausting.

Hi guys. Really could do with a bit of advice and support at the moment, or maybe just to get this off my chest. I know I post a lot about social anxiety and identity which are my other anxieties and problems, so I do apologise that this seems something so different.

As well as these other problems I also suffer from contamination ocd and what I think is possibly trichotillomania (undiagnosed but will explain!). I'm going through a particularly bad patch of this at the moment and my anxiety is through the roof with coping with it.

My contamination ocd is based on catching either HIV or hepatitis C. Not from the usual, risky routes normally but from just casually going about my day, being around people, touching things they've touched etc. My obsessions centre around these thoughts of what if someone bled on that? I know that hiv does not survive well in the environment, and that both are not really passed on through the ways I'm most worried about.

My compulsions are: hand washing, rumination, asking for reassurance, checking and dreaded Dr Google mainly. They take up so much time and stop me from enjoying my day for what it is. I can't remember an hour gone by, let alone a day, where one of these thoughts hasn't preoccupied my mind.

I also have this thing about picking at my scalp. I do it all the time but especially when I'm stressed. I don't pick it until it bleeds, however have accidentally caused it to bleed before. This actually makes the worry about catching something worse as I worry it will get into my body through me picking my scalp! But I can't seem to stop. It doesn't help that my head is so itchyat the moment from the chlorine in the pool once I've touched my scalp even to scratch it, that's it, I start picking.

At the moment I am on holiday and I think it's the new environment that has gradually taken it's toll. Everywhere I go there are crowds of people, I'm at disney world so everytime I go on a ride hundreds of people will have touched the same seat, the seatbelt, etc. Then there's the debacle of using a public toilet which again has been sat on by hundreds of women that day alone. I try to use the seat covers but they get stuck to me which causes even more trauma. Also being in crowds in general is worrying me. I'm terrified someone will touch me who has an open cut on them. To me every person is a risk and I can't even let them come near me, disney world is very very busy. There's no way I can get through one day without a couple of strangers touching me.

I felt better when my other half was here. Seeing him interact with the environment so care freely made me feel like I could do the same. I know a lot of my worries come from a lack of self esteem and I worry that if I catch something like this then my other half will just leave me, he might even think I cheated on him! At the same time I'm scared I'll give him something too, and I'm constantly looking out for him getting symptoms.

Each day at the moment is mentally exhausting and I'm performing my rituals constantly, particularly checking (i.e. the toilet seats and everything I touch) and using hand sanitiser on my hands all the time, coming home and googling about if it was possible that I caught hepatitis etc. Honestly, id have so much extra time if I didn't have all these rituals to do.

It doesn't help that my dad is not understanding at all. He doesn't get it. He says it's not logical, I won't get anything. He even said its the one thing about me that annoys him and I need to snap out of it. I tell him, how do you think I feel? It annoys me having it! I'd give anything to get rid of it.

When I'm not worried about things happening that day I'm worried about past exposures instead. I went out with someone who had a bit of an iffy past and I was worried for a while about catching both of these diseases from him, even though we were careful and didn't have much intimacy. I've been tested for both diseases and the tests came back negative. However I find myself googling about the tests, how accurate they are, windowperiods etc. Atm my main worry is that my hepatitis c test won't have picked up an infection. Many sites say you need to wait 6 months, others say 3, my test was about 4 months after (I think!) My exposure was low risk as technically it isn't an STI... I don't know, maybe I'm seeking reassurance here as that is what I'm obsessing about at the moment.

I don't know, I'm just so tired of it. I'm waiting for therapy at the moment. The waiting list was a year long. Really I know what I need to do which is to try and reduce my compulsions but I find it so hard and have no support at home. Maybe my partner would help but don't want to burden him

Any advice?? Anyone in the same boat??

Thanks for reading!

I don't fully have all that, but I do think about things that have been touched by thousands of people, and I totally get what you mean about toilet seat covers sticking to you. It's super stressful.

Thank you for replying. In the UK we don't really have toilet seat covers, so I'm not very good at using them! It sounds gross but it's because it's so hot here they just get stuck, or if I've been on a water ride!

I just find it so tiring! I wish I could just stay in and not go out sometimes!

I think it's just sweat on one's legs that make them stick, plus pee that holds it on your bottom sometimes.

As someone who suffered from severe OCD, I feel for you. I know that you probably understand what you need to do (intellectually) to reduce your compulsions but you can't seem to do it. It's not for lack of wanting to be rid of the time consuming rituals either. I get it.

My best advice is to find yourself a professional who specializes in the treatment of OCD. The international OCD foundation has a database of certified practioners on their website. I would start there. The problem with OCD is that many therapists say that they treat the condition but in truth do not have the extensive training required to truly understand the disorder. There is no shame about getting professional help. In fact, it's a disorder that can very easily get out of control and from personal experience, is very hard to treat on your own. Having the understanding, support, and knowledge of someone who knows the condition inside and out is invaluable in the recovery process.

You probably know this but the most effective treatment for OCD is a combination of medication and cognitive behavioral therapy (specifically a therapy called exposure response prevention -ERP). It basically consists of gradually exposing yourself to the trigger (i.e. first think about something "contaminated", then touching something "contaminated" and waiting five minutes before using hand sanitizer, then touching something "contaminated" and waiting ten minutes before using hand sanitizer, etc.) until the trigger no longer causes the compulsion. It's difficult and feels horrible and you feel worse before it gets better.

I went to Rogers Memorial Hospital in WI for the treatment of my severe OCD. They have both a residential and an outpatient OCD program and it worked wonders. When I went in, I was obsessing and doing rituals every waking minute. When I left, I was 95% OCD free. I know that hospitalization sounds a bit extreme but for some, it's the intensive support and reliable structure that they need to really beat this disorder. Just wanted to throw that out there.

I have primarily contamination OCD and I hate it. My main anxiety is coldsores; I'm terrified of getting one and spreading it around. I'm also freaked out about bathroom stuff too, so I hear you on that. The little cover things suck. I usually use layers of toilet paper arranged around the seat instead.

I hope that the people around you can be supportive and that you get through this tough time. I've got a single white bump on my inner lip the size of a pinhead that my wife is certain is not a coldsore but I'm in freak out mode myself right now

Thanks both of you. I'm having a terrible evening with it tonight and have had to try and stop myself crying over something that happened a few weeks ago. I am convinced now I've got hepatitis and am beside myself.

Can't stop googling and stuff like that. Usually Google provides some relief but for this there has been people saying a hepatitis test is warrented. So I've scared myself silly. I feel terrible and not sure what to do. I'm so scared that I'll contract something awful and my partner will Not want to be with me anymore.

My parents think I'm ridiculous. Especially my dad. I just can't handle the anxiety really need some help.

I have had cbt and erp before and it worked really well. I am hoping that I manage to get some more soon. I was on citalopram which was quite good but ironically I then worry about the health side effects of taking that, especially due to the birth control I'm taking as well. I don't know if the birth control I'm taking is making the anxiety worse to be honest.

It's like I know what I have to do but can't bring myself to do it. I feel so anxious. I don't think the ocd has been this bad for ages!

Have you ever been on something like clonazepam? My psychiatrist gave me a script for some "PRN" (take as needed). When I'm really freaking out taking one or two really helps. If I take two I'm a bit zoned out but I'm much less anxious.

No I haven't. I've been on proproponol (not sure if that's how you spell it!) A long time ago, which was for stress and anxiety I think. I know my mum had diazepam which she took when she needed ...

I'm not a dermatologist, but it might just be a whitehead or milium. Very minor. Look on YouTube for "sandra lee" and "whitehead" and/or "milia".