Hocd for long time has ruined my life

I’m 30 now and I have had hocd since I was 17. Ive been to therapists which haven’t heloed and been on meds which didn’t help. Right now I have no therpist and my insurance doesn’t cover ocd specialist. I’ve been suffering all these years and it’s been a nightmare. I thought my hocd was getting better but sometimes the thoughts really get to me. My groinal responses never go away. I’m very uncomfortable and to make things worse I’ve never had a boyfriend even though I’ve always wanted one. I’ve keep getting thoughts like I know I want a boyfriend but sometimes I get thoughts that I’m disgusted with the idea or guys is that normal for ocd? Also I remember when this first started there was a cute guy that liked me and i had no idea how to handle it I was used to guys turning me down I also didn’t know these thoughts were ocd at the time. I know I liked him too but by the time I realized it he disappeared. My ocd is trying to use the fact the i was afraid of being with him is cause I’m not into guys. I know this thread is all over the place but my questions are is it normal that I was afraid to be with a guy I liked? Also I’m know in my gut iIm straight but having these thought for such a long time makes me worry. Also I want to get rid of this and live a normal life but cannot get therapy. What should i do?

Anyone I am so depressed?

I'm sorry you are feeling so depressed. I'm afraid there's really nothing I can tell you about this. But I noticed no one had yet replied to your post. So I thought I would. Personally I don't think it would be unusual to be afraid of being with a guy you liked. It seems to me that's a pretty normal reaction. But, then, that's just my personal opinion. I'm not sure what I could suggest as an alternative to therapy. (I presume you've looked into any possible free or income-adjusted mental health therapy services that might be available where you live.)

I'm an old man now. But I've had a life-long struggle with gender identity disorder. And it has occurred to me, from time-to-time, that there might possibly be an OCD element to that too. I've seen a few therapists for brief periods over the years. But it never really amounted to anything. So what I have come to rely on to address my gender-identity-related thoughts, as well as other difficult memories & negative thoughts, is a practice that is referred to as "compassionate abiding". It is a technique that comes out of the Buddhist tradition. However here's a link to a mental-health-oriented description of the practice:

https://mindsetdoc.wordpress.com/201...e-abiding-101/

May it be of benefit.

Thank you for replying. I’m tired of these thoughts I’ve had them for such a long time. I get random thoughts that I’m disgusted by thought of being with a guy by I know that isn’t true. I also worry if I do find a guy my hocd is going to ruin it. I don’t know what to do