OCD is sending me crazy

Hi everyone.

I have had OCD starting when I was about 16-years-old but I have always had low mood issues and depression. Recently my ocd has become almost un-manageable and I am getting to the point where I am not doing anything. I avoid a lot of things especially if I’m having a tough day.

My ocd revolves around my relationship and I find it difficult to see past my ocd. So today I thought I saw something and when I looked nothing was there and it wasn’t like a oh I thought I saw something it was like a I definitely saw something (which I thought was my phone first off)

So I have massive worries about a certain picture which I printed off when I was about 16 of myself in underwear which was for my boyfriend, who I’m still with today! However, although we are adults now, I’m so fearful of that picture getting “out”. So basically I printed more than one copy before I gave one to my boyfriend - the other copies were on normal paper and the one I gave was on photo paper. I’m so worried that the copies I didn’t give to him are still somewhere in the house (in one place I literally won’t go in or touch or in possible other places) as I can’t remember what I did with them - my worry is that they will end up getting lost when I’m out of the house and someone I know (I know a lot of people in my neighbourhood which isn’t a good neighbourhood) will find it and say that I gave it to them and my boyfriend will break up with me. We have had a few problems in the past where we have split up (the last time we split up was at 15 years old!!!!) and he didn’t use to trust me at all, so if he thought I had given it to someone else when I was with him he would 100% not trust me again and leave me. I worry about this because of how things are in my neighbourhood and a lot of people would probably like to get “one over” on my boyfriend if they could.
In addition to this I owe my boyfriend about £4000 because I have a really bad spending habit which I’m trying to stop - which he’s been really fine about and I feel so out of order about that as well, I’m so worried if we broke up I wouldn’t be able to pay the money back (what he would do) as well as loosing the love of my life.
This worry has got to the point where I won’t go to certain places - I won’t go out in my neighbourhood at all not even for a walk down the road I will always go from my doorstep to my car and drive out of my neighbourhood to do anything. I won’t drive past certain places either because I’m so worried the picture may be in the car. I also check obsessively every time I go out I check my hair and clothes and shoes before I go out then I video record or take pictures when leaving my house to make sure nothing has dropped off of me and sometimes this takes several minutes - I then also have to have the doors locked and windows shut on my car - I check where ever I go out to repeatedly walking back on myself - taking pictures and videos - I can’t leave things which I have picked up in a shop, if I’ve picked up two items of something 8/10 times I will buy the two things 10/10 times if it’s in a supermarket or a shop near where I live. I buy things to try to make myself feel better leaving myself in a lot of debt. I always have suicidal thoughts which are a result of my worries!! I also have other ocd compulsions and worries but this is definitely the worst as it occurs no matter where I am or what I’m doing. I won’t wear certain clothing and if someone comes to my house I usually have to check where they have walked when they leave. I can’t attend university either.

Sorry this is so long and I appreciate anyone who reads this and has any replies or advice as I’m really struggling and am starting to self harm much more often. In addition to this I now don’t want to leave the house or my room because I thought I saw something on the bed which I’m so sure was the picture and now it’s gone - I’m terrified it’ll be on an item of clothing which is in my room hanging next to my bed or in my hair or on my dog etc - and will get lost. Help!!! I can’t live like this any more it’s literally making me ill.

Thanks again

I'm sorry you are struggling with all of this. I'm afraid I don't really have anything specific to offer. However here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of treating OCD. Perhaps some of the information in these articles can be of some help:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/ocd-and...t-experiences/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/erp-the...-treating-ocd/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/treatme...sive-disorder/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/when-to...tment-for-ocd/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/relationship-ocd/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/avoidan...er-the-answer/

I wish you well...