Parent may have mental disorder-please help

I'm trying to determine if my Mother has a mental disorder. I hate to air my dirty laundry for the all the world but I have noone to ask who can relate.

The issues go futher back but my mother moved 11 years ago to get away from a 2nd failed marrrage and loss of friends. She moved and then found another man in other state and re-married 5 years later. I really like this man and have always noticed him as incredibly patient and tolerant of my mothers demands and moods. My mother and I have never been able to get along and I really have to be careful not to disagree with her or go against her feelings or ideals especially if she has been drinking. I have different values than she does and I find her to be incredibly pushy on her will, demanding and manipulative. However, she shows lots of love and empathy for me, her pets and her grandson. I remember as a kid she would come home from work in horrible moods and lock herself in her bedroom for up to 2 days. She traveled alot so she was gone most of my childhood. I know she suffers from depression and always talks about percription drugs. How they cure this and that or how I need to try that...I've never been into drugs or alcohol. My mother has was fired from her job and has since retired from working at age 60. Their house is paid off (the step dad owned it from before the marrage) I figure they are going to be ok into old age.

I had recently had my first child last summer. My wife and I have a great marrage and wonderful life. I never thought I'd be this happy. Ever since, my mother had been trying to talk her husband in to getting a second house closer to us or moving. Her husband entertained the idea but I knew he loved the city he lived in and was not going to go with the plan. I also know they do not earn or have enough retirement saved to afford a second home as my mother has blown through more than 70k of inheritance money with nothing to show for it.

So to shorten the story, my mother is getting another divorce and trying to move back here. She is trying to claim spousal abuse and physical violence and has the whole neiborhood involved in this so I hear. I know this is false as this man is not the violent type and swears to me its not true. I have seen him do some very nice things for her and have spent time travelling with him. She has pushed this type of senario before. I have told her that I know what she is doing and will not accept it. But time goes by, mothers day cards arrive and birthdays come and go, everything is ok to her after this so she ignores my dissapproval. Now my step-dad is in fear of the police as she has involved them. However there are no charges or alligations against him. I am told all of her friends will not talk to her anymore as she cannot get along with them now. I believe she is mounting a false case for the divorce court to get her way back to my town. I am also told she is chasing mood altering drugs with alcohol and closing the local bar, wondering home and pulling into different peoples driveways.

Here are the drugs she is currently using:

Alprazolam .25 mg 1 pill three times a day
Hydrocodone/apap 750 mg 1every 4-6 hr
Ambien cr 12.5 mg 1 @ bedtime
Gabapentin 1 x 2 DAY
Cymbalta 1x 2 a day

I absolutely cannot have her living close to me or my family. What can I do? What do you think she is suffering from?

Hi Fizzak!!

Sorry to hear about your trouble with your family. Unfortunately, no one here can really offer you a diagnosis for your mother. There are several things that could be going on. The one thing being most evident is her drinking, on top of the medications she is on, is not helping her situation. It is VERY possible your mother is dealing with Alcoholism.

There may be some underlying mental disorder and my best suggestion is to help get her into therapy so they may evaluate her, and they can also help her get into treatment for any alcohol problems.

As far as her wanting to move closer to you. I would suggest talking to her about this. Tell her how you feel and share with her that you think you two being so geographically close might put more strain on your relationship and that you don't want to do that. Most likely, this will upset her and won't get you anywhere, but at least you made the effort.

Ultimately, if she does move back close to you, it will be up to you to set clear boundaries with her, and stick to them too. If you give her an inch, she'll take a mile!!

The most important thing is keeping you and your family healthy, happy, and secure.

Good luck to you, and keep us updated on how things go. We're here if you need us!!

Wellllllllllllll there is one way to stop her moving near you ! Get in touch with your step dads lawyer and say you will speak on his behalf !

It really doesn't matter whether she does or does not have a mental disorder. Your feelings are obviously strong, and your reasons sound perfectly legitimate for feeling as you do. Elysium's right only a professional can tell whether she has a mental disorder and what it might be.

But, fwiw, her med list looks frankly dangerous to me - particularly for an alcoholic. That's an overdose waiting to happen. I can't imagine one doctor is prescribing all that knowingly.

No one can tell you what exactly you should do... but I have an -out of the box- suggestion:Write her now and share how you won't be making time to see her, or for her to spend time with the kiddo. You might say it softly, or if you know she won't get the point that way, say it closer to the above. Softly would be more of how you think she's probably wanting to spend more time with you and her grandchild... and then share how you spend the day and how busy you are and that while it's a nice thought if she's thinking of moving close-by, it isn't going to work out that way....

Speak truth, but not all the truth as that might just hurt her needlessly. If you think she's married to a good guy, encourage her to stay and enjoy what she has.

I mean, even if she gets angry, it's better for her to be where she's at rather than in town, right?

Regarding the meds, I wonder how you know what she's taking...and if you can find out the doses for the last two, and if they are all from the same doctor.


Here are the drugs she is currently using:

Alprazolam .25 mg 1 pill three times a day
Hydrocodone/apap 750 mg 1every 4-6 hr
Ambien cr 12.5 mg 1 @ bedtime
Gabapentin 1 x 2 DAY
Cymbalta 1x 2 a day
alprazolam is a short acting anxiety medicine
ambien is a short acting night time med, and the CR is time release to stay asleep
Gabapentin was originally for seizures, but is used for treatment resistant mood disorders and for MS type pain such as neuropathy (Neurontin.)
Cymbalta is also used for MS patients, and those with neuropathy,anxiety and depression (I think also off label.)
The hydrocodone is of greatest concern, imo, if she drinks much at all (as you suggest.) She may have begun this synthetic narcotic through her dentist (Lortab)... or she may be in real body pain.

Are you sure she still drinks? She may have been drinking all that time trying to self medicate, not knowing what was wrong with her. From what you say, she really does need some stability in her life, and treatment. Good wishes on the tough love.

Actually not the hydrocodone per se, it's the combination of downers that made my hair stand up. A benzo, Ambien (which is benzo-like), a narcotic and alcohol is a scary mix. Plus the ad and gabapentin which might enhance the effects too. You could stop breathing - and like I say I have a very hard time imagining the doc who prescribed all that together.

Hydrocodone alone is worrisome because of addictive effects. Benzos are addictive too. Ambien can be. Obviously alcohol is. But before I'd worry about addiction, I'd worry about the person going to sleep and never waking up.

Wonderful answer! I absolutely agree that Fizzax that you need to talk with your mother, to express your concerns not only about her mental health but perhaps more importantly how you feel about all of this, especially her moving near you. That really is the issue as you have set up a wonderful family life and do not want to have that impacted by your mother's issues, or obligations you might feel if she lived there. You can't make her (or anyone) do anything about getting treatment or stopping drinking until they are ready but you can set the boundaries to protect your family life as well as your own emotional state.

It doesn't have to be hurtful but as an adult now, you have the right to express your feelings, thoughts, and concerns, and to be able to set boundaries so you may want to think about those before you talk with her -- figure out what you need and what your family needs, etc.

Family dynamics are never easy are they? Good luck!