[Elysium]

I wasn't sure where the best place to put this was, so I just decided to put it here....

So...been out of work for 3 1/2 months. Was terminated due to issues surrounding my depression, C-PTSD, and DID. I was out sick a lot and didn't meet the company protocol for attendance and right before my six month trial period was up, they fired me. Even though I had filed for ADA assistance through the company, but that's a whole other issue, and I won't go there right now!!

I have barely been able to keep my head above water financially these last few months on the little bit of unemployment I am bringing in. I can pay rent, a little food, and a couple utilities, but I am not able to make my car payment, my medical and credit card bills, or pay for my T sessions and medications. (No job...no medical insurance!!)

I went to speak with an attorney today about bankruptcy. I don't want to, but it's an option I need to consider. He took in all my information, looked it over and says that the only one I qualify for would be the chapter 13, where you pay your bills back over 3-5 years on a special program, and I'm like great, I like it, but....how do I pay for it? He says, well....you need to get a job. I say...No, really!! You mean the job that I've been looking for for the last 3 months and haven't gotten yet...that job? By the way Mr. "I'm raking in the dough with all these bankruptcies" Attorney, would you happen to be hiring right now!!? So....I don't have a job which is not allowing me to pay my debts so I may need to claim bankruptcy, but I can't claim bankruptcy without a job. GOT IT!!!

Left the Lawyers office and took a walk down by the River, thinking about Chris Farley and wondering if his Van might have any vacancies. Decided that I needed to do something more to help myself so I drove back to town and went to our local DHS office to apply for food stamps and state health insurance. Filled out the paperwork...waited for an hour and a half and finally got to speak with someone who looked at the papers and said "Thank you, someone will call your name in a half an hour." Back to my broken plastic chair I go.

Now...kids are running everywhere!!!! They're screaming and it is very loud. To make it even better, most of the parents are choosing to passively discipline their children from their broken plastic chairs by screaming and threatening time outs and spankings and all it's doing is contributing to the noise. Kids STILL running amock!!

ONE HOUR LATER, I finally get called back to meet with someone. She is nice, looks like she should be retired and on food stamps and state aid herself and she takes me to her desk and says "I'm a little curious why you are here?" I said, "well, because I don't have medical insurance, I need med insurance, my med bills are $1000 dollars a month, and I can't afford food and I need food to live." She looks at me and says "Other than that you're okay, right?" I'm like "Oh, yeah...just great." She sees that I have stated I had some health issues and asks me what those are. I tell her "Depression, Complex PTSD, DID, chronic pain in back and feet, obesity (why the hell not)", and she says again "But other than that your just fine, huh?"

Anyway, she proceeds to tell me that my meager $1600.00/mos unemployment that I am getting is too much for food stamps. I ask what the cut off is and she says $1765.00/mos. I say, "but I only get $1600.00/mos" and she says "yes, but that's NET, when you look at your GROSS income it's over $2000.00/mos." OKAY....FINE...THANKS, no food stamps. (I guess I could start dumpster diving) "Now" she says, "The State isn't offerning health insurance to people between the ages of 18 and 60 years of age right now, due to economic problems except for one condition. You have to be pregnant". "I'm not pregnant." I say, and she says "Good...don't get that way."

I was just getting ready for the "okay...thank you very much...have a nice day." when she pops the next question. "Why haven't you applied for DISABILITY!!!!?" I get quiet and begin to stare at the floor. I get this narly feeling in my gut that tells me that I am becoming my mother way to early in life and I think I'm gonna cry. I look at her and I say "I'm only 32!!!" "And you don't WANT to be disabled?" she asks. Now, I'm not saying this hasn't crossed my mind before, because it has, but I have been trying to fight off the curse of disability and proove to myself that I am stronger than my Mother, who doesn't do anything but sit around on the couch all day and do nothing but wither away into nothingness. She says "You know, disability doesn't have anything to do with age. You could be disabled at birth and qualify. If your disorders are impacting your work, then you should claim disability."

Feeling defeated I ask "Can I do that here?" and she tells me to go to the Social Security office. "KThanxBi", and out to my car I go where I proceed to break down in a puddle of frustration and failure.

So, basically it comes down to this. There is NO HELP!! If I get a job in my career field, which my mind doesn't mind doing (and I'm still applying for work), I will be dealing with the same exacerbations from my mental health disorders and my chronic pain issues, which will then threaten that job by their mere existence. (I've already been down that road 3 times) But if I claim disability, I will get more money to survive on and could possibly get retrained in another field of work where I can eventually make my own income instead of getting paid to be disabled.

I'm only 32!! (I don't mean to offend anyone) I feel like I will have failed myself if I claim disability. Like I will be giving up. Throwing in the towel. I feel ashamed of myself!!

I don't know what to do...!

Anyone...someone, please offer me some words of wisdom. Or Vodka, vodka would be nice too!!

[Elysium]

WOW!!

I apologize for the whining!!!

[sabby]

((((((((((( Elysium )))))))))))))

I so understand where you are coming from here. It's a rotten place to have to be that's for sure...and I'm sorry it's happening to you.

I think sometimes we have to look at our lives and decide what we need to do for ourselves right this moment. While we don't want to be dependent or lazy or just plain existing, sometimes we have to accept what help there is in order to become stable enough to work towards our goals in the future. Just because you apply for disability doesn't mean you will be like your mother. There are other things you can do while on disability to help yourself in the future.

The needs of the present may very well outweigh the wants of the future. And that's ok....it's a fork in the road, a different path to take, but it doesn't mean you can't end up in the place you wanted to head towards to begin with. Be willing to keep your eyes open and ears listening for opportunities that my cross your path in the mean time.

You are an intelligent human bean that I have no doubt can and will be successful in so many aspects of your life. Be kind to yourself along the way on those bumps that throw you off......

Wishing you well!

sabby

[Elysium]

Sabby...

Thank you soooo much!!! I really needed to hear that from someone and I really appreciate it!! I've been thinking about it all night, and I am realizing that I do need to do what is best for my health now, and that it is just a new path to travel down. I can still work towards goals and find fulfillment. Sometimes it just gets so cloudy in my head!!

I did want to say, that I especially loved one thing you said in particular which I have left in quotes for you to see below.

LOL!! I was wondering if it would be okay to add a piece of your quote to my signature line. It gave me the biggest smile!!

Thanks again for the support and the smile!!

Originally Posted by _sabby_

((((((((((( Elysium )))))))))))))

You are an intelligent human bean that I have no doubt can and will be successful in so many aspects of your life.

Wishing you well!

sabby

[AAAAA]

Disability is out there for you to survive, how you choose to use it is up to you. It is very frustrating that the very people that this program would help the most are the least likely to use it. Set your mind to it and head to the Social Security Building, don't let the process get you down.

[thelionkinglives]

Play away on your violin all you want....your entitled...this country is f'ed up right now...I don't have any words of wisdom at the moment but I will ponder the abyss of me lil' brain & see what I can come up with....

I would also say if you can get disability...take it! Your not doing anything wrong, that's what it's there for.

I say we all just throw away material carrots being dangled in front of us, redefine what the social perception of a productive life is, p!ss on this contrived marketed goal of middle classness & social class climbing &
create a new society where we can just smile our way through life & search for *goosebumps*

LK

[artie]

I know what you mean about feeling bad about yourself if you go on disability, it affects some people and not others.

I'm bi-polar, I attended an artists studio/workshop for crazy people for several years, it was better than sitting(or lying in bed) at home, it helped me, it may have saved my life but it also made me feel cut off from the real world and inferior, it almost got to the point where I was asking the staff "what's this for?" "oh that's paint, you paint with it" because I felt like a helpless freak I became one, to an extent.

The thing is it was a stepping stone, it was far better than doing nothing or being self destructive but not as good as a normal healthy life.

I think you should see disability as a temporary stepping stone, a better place than where you were without it but not as good as where you're headed.

It's good you want to be healthy, best to have faith you will be, even if it may take time.