[GreyGoose]

I was raised in a VERY strict Baptist home and what's more, I have OCD (and I think, scruptulosity as well). Let me explain...

As a young adult, I did all the things any "wild child" might do. Life was all about "having fun". I never thought about morals, ethics, sin, chastity, heaven, hell, right, wrong, etc. I got drunk, ate out a lot, partied with friends, traveled, went to the beach, had lots of sex (although I was'nt promiscuous or unsafe), had all kinds of exciting jobs and hobbies and generally had a fun and exciting life.

However, somewhere during the last 2-3 years (and it has gotten worse) I have become very repressed and inhibited over the years so that almost anything I do, I am afraid God will punish me. It might be an "unclean" thought involving sex, saying a curse word or just not giving reverence whenever I see the word "God" or "Jesus" somewhere.

Over time and because of my fears, I have more and more limited my activities so that I am now in sort of a religeous "straightjacket" and am no longer permitted to "have fun" lest I commit a sin. I feel like a whipped, abused animal. When I first started getting these feelings, I thought nothing of them but then someone told me that punishment or "bad things" happening in your life was one way God had of "getting your attention" and that if you sinned too much, God may even kill you. This scared the crap out of me and has made me afraid to do almost anything and so my life is devoid of many forms of pleasure. My father who was an abuser (and is in denial) told me the part about God punishing or even killing a person although he did'nt use those exact words.

I'll give you a good example. I grabbed a condom about three weeks ago, put it in my pocket and walked out the door with the intent of going to a neighbor's house for sex. I am not married but the sex would have been out of wedlock and therefore a "sin". I got about 500 yards when a bat flew about 25 fet over my head. My first thought was to get out of there fast so I ran like crazy back home - all the while feeling like God had sent the bat to come after me and so I obediently "turned from my sin" and ran home. Since in my mind bats always equal rabies (even though it did'nt even come near me) I was terrified and had panic attacks for weeks afterward - all because I intended to "sin" and swore this was punishment. To this day, I can't even ACCIDENTALLY look at naked flesh for fear of punishment (sounds silly but I'm being very serious).

But it does'nt stop there. I also had a huge argument with my father (the first one in 25 years) that lasted for a whole week and all but destroyed the relationship between me and my parents. Then, I practically cut my finger off and had to have surgery (a nightmare in itself) and shortly after that, I developed a painful condition called prostatitis for no apparent reason at all. Then my pet goat started losing hair and would'nt eat and it's just been a month of pure hell with no end in sight.

Is this God punishing me or what?. I feel like the mighty Pharo in the Bible whom God set the plagues upon because he would'nt repent only with me, I HAVE repented and changed but the "plagues" just keep coming non-stop. Is this God or am I just having one of the unluckiest months of my life?. Incidentally, when I look back, it seems like God has been punishing me a LOT because everytime something good happens, something BAD happens right behind it or if I have an unpure thought or something and then bump my head 10 minutes later, I attribute this to punishment from God and so over time, I have basically limited myself to sitting on a prayer mat eating bread and water so I won't I sin (not that bad but close!).

Anyone else familar with what I'm going through?. I've had other bad things happen this month as well but this is turning into a book. - Thank's.

[nothemama8]

Sweetie God is a loving being, not a vengeful one, he put us on the earth , your past abuse has made you see things as punishment, we all have bad periods of time, and like the saying goes, your an accident looking for a place to happen , this will pass.
Enjoy life hun, don't be afraid of it
Angie

God is not a punishing God........our Higher Powers, whatever they may be, aren't beating up on us because we're "bad"........xoxox pat

[nothemama8]

In reality we are the only power that punishes, so stop punishing yourself, YOU ARE SOMEBODY WONDERFUL
Angie

[Kalamity]

In a way I can relate. I do not restrict my behavior because I'm afraid of being punished, rather I believe, off and on, that my life is my punishment or hell.

[jmo531]

(((((((((((GG))))))))))))))

I suffer from the "good and "evil" syndrome (I call it). I have always thought in some way shape or form that GOD was punishing me things I had done as a child. Like you, I was a wild child, drugs, drinking, sex and whatever else I felt like doing. I was free as a bird and didnt care what happened. After I experienced panic attacks, OCD (intrusive thoughts) religious doubts and stuff it sent me right into a depression where I just knew that GOD was punishing me for all the bad I had done in my life.
It took time for me to realize that life deals us a hand and sometimes its good and sometimes its bad. Its all how you play the hand. GOD is not punishing you and he is not punishing me either. He watches over us always. He loves us. I still to this day watch everything I do or say because I am afraid I am not living a "worthy" life. I think it always sticks in the back of my head. But as a fellow OCDer I know you understand that there is religiously oriented OCD. I have a site you can check out. It gives you the ins and outs. Maybe it will help you. It certainly gave me great insight to what and why my mind would move in the direction that it was. Take care GG. Please let me know if there is anything I can to for you. K?

http://www.homestead.com/westsuffolkpsych/sin.html

[wisewoman]

It sounds a lot like my daughter's OCD. I agree, check out special sites on OCD and fight back. As kids we want to feel that we have power so we believe that if we did this or that differently then it would be okay so the bad things are our fault and they wouldn't happen if we were good enough. Well, let me tell you it's a hard thing to get past but it just ain't so. You are not respnsible and you sound like the OCD is giving you a run. Good luck.

[GreyGoose]

Thank's for the comforting words:-). So true when you really look at it logically. I mean, if God really wanted to do you in, he could make you suffer in unimaginable ways (because he's God). I sort of see the whole God/human relationship in much the same way I see the relationship between humans and animals. Sure, we could punish our animals all the time but we LOVE them and would'nt even think of doing such a thing but instead we give them lots of love, show much patience and reward them when they are good. I guess it's sort of the same thing...kinda...sorta...Meds are hitting me again.

[vacantangel]

I don't have any words of wisdom to add that haven't already been so eloquently said by others, just want to send you some hugs.

(((((((((((( greygoose )))))))))))