[Yoda]

I am so confused right now. I feel terrible and know not how to fix myself. A week ago I emailed my psychiatrist and told him I needed help. I have been having episodes of aphasia at night with lower body weakness and also times when my neck feels too weak to support my head and my head flops like a bobble head doll. So he said I needed to go to the psych ward. When I told the admitting nurse my symptoms she asked me why I was not admitted to a medical hospital since my problems seemed to her (and me) to be neuro related rather than psych. I don't understand either. I do what I am told.

I had numerous tests while there. My doctor said everything was normal. He told me the day before I was discharged that I had sludge in my brain. Seriously. So how in the h*** am I supposed to get this so called sludge out of my brain? Normal? snafu, maybe.

I am feeling quite depressed now. I thought I had dealt with the abuse I suffered that led to me killing my boyfriend as well as I could. I was trying to move on with my life but when I was in the hospital this week they kept asking me in group therapy to talk about the abuse and shooting. I told them group therapy was a stressor for me. I don't understand the need to go over and over what I cannot change.

When the nurse was admitting me she asked if I had ever been sexually abused. Yes. She asked me to describe what happened. Why I don't know. She offered no therapy nor did anyone else and that had nothing to do with my admission so again it was pulling up the bad **** from my past for no apparent therapeutic reason.

When my doctor saw that my drug screen was negative (used to smoke weed) he said it was because of my asthma that I was not smoking it now and gave me no credit for choosing to change.

Recently I had been feeling stronger and motivated to make positive change in my life. I wanted to work part time again in nursing. I wanted to start teaching and then perhaps working in ICU again. I aspired to go back to grad school. I know I am bright enough for grad school but not sure if my energy is sufficient for full time student work. I had gone to the medical library recently and started studying again and started working on my CEUs to renew my RN license. I order a book to study for my GRE and a textbook of anesthesia to see how easily I could grasp the CRNA program. It seemed within my grasp. But in the hospital when I talked about my goals my doctor said I was all talk. Not so very therapeutic. I have been struggling financially and thought working part time would give me a little extra money. The day before my admission I got a letter from the IRS saying I owed taxes. I had taken money from my retirement to pay off my mortgage, put a new roof on my house and buy a used car. I had called social security to ask how that would affect my benefits and asked Fidelity questions but I was misinformed. Now it appears I am going to need to work to pay those taxes.

At this point I want to crawl into a hole and die. The only reason I have to stay alive now is because my disabilty benefits feeds my child and pays the utilities and without me he would have nobody. My son will turn 21 this year and this is his last chance to get his high school degree. He has a learning disability and I don't know what is going to happen to him. I am scared for both of us.

I don't know where this thread belongs. When I posted that I was going to the hospital the mod moved it to psychotherapy. I don't understand why it belongs there. Move it, delete it, whatever.

[(JD)]

Unfortunately it sounds like your doctor needs some therapy himself. (You know, they do become burned out too.)

Find a different doctor if you can... maybe even the looking for one will help you feel better.

None of that sounds like real support if you ask me. I'm glad you are able to rise above it as best you can, and keep on keeping on!

Hang in there. Just because that doctor isn't supportive doesn't mean you don't deserve help and good support, and doesn't mean you won't find a doctor who will help you in the future.

[AAAAA]

I'm so sorry that you didn't get the help you needed. Some days it's just an acomplishment to make it through the day. I think Sky had a good suggestion, it sounds like a new doctor is in order.

[Rmdctc]

I hope things get better for you soon. I know it can be so hard to get where you want to be. Good luck with everything and know that we are always here to talk if you need any of us.

[DocClyde]

Sorry to hear about all that is going on

[Catherine2]

Yoda,
I'm so very sorry that so much has happened to you.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are, ok?
We Care
I Care

Catherine

[*freak*]

I'm so sorry you had to go through so much...

Just one thing I wanted to suggest... When people ask you about stuff you don't want to talk about, you don't have to tell them anything if it makes you uncomfortable or upsets you. When someone asks me about something that's too hurtful for me to tell, if it has no relevance and no therapeutic reason, I just say I can't/don't want to talk about it. You have no obligation to satisfy people's curiosity. It took me years to realize this and when I did it was extremely freeing. I'm sure you know this already, just wanted to provide a little support by sharing my personal experience

I wish you all the best

[kebsfroggy]

Oh yoda, you have been through so much. My goes out to you.

I agree with _sky, that pdoc needs some therapy of his own.

*freak* is right too. You do not have to talk or answer questions if you don't want too. Just remember you have the right to say "no".

my pdoc is great when I spoke with him about a dr/treatment I was receiving. He said "get a second opinion and if that isn't good then get a third, a fourth." "It's better to be informed when you need to make choices."

I know about that taking funds out early and having to pay taxes. I got caught with that right after I had to go on disability. Like you, I took the money to pay off all the bills except for car and mortgage. Remember thinking "stupid I won't do that again" Of course not! But when the IRS wants its money it wants its money.

I'm very impressed by all you are doing for yourself. It must feel terrible when you pour your heart out to keep up with you field and then get snubbed like that. Don't give up.

I know you're feeling pretty bruised and beat up at the moment but you can make it. Yes you can.

I'm just a frog of little brain but

kebs

[VickiesPath]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Yoda}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}



I am so sorry you are having a rough time at it. I agree with the others that you might want to seek out more supportive medical care. I'm having a bit of a time with mine right now. I have had dozens the past 24 years in two different states. My current one rates right down there in the lower 10%. It is sooooooooooo maddening.

Did you know that 50% of all doctors graduated in the lower 50% of their class? I always keep that in mind when doctor shopping.



Seriously, sweetheart, I feel for you. What is it they say, when you're at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on? We who suffer with these illnesses do that a lot, right?

OK, no more stupid sayings. Please don't give up. Take a deep breath and make a plan. You will find someone who isn't a nitwit and then you'll get real help and feel better. We are all here for you.

[Yoda]

You all are right. Thank you so much for your support.

As Sky said simply looking for a new doctor can make me feel better. I emailed the partial program asking where the doctor I met there had gone and now I know that if I decide to fire my current doctor I have somebody lined up that I like.

I have dug myself out of my hole and have a better attitude now. Tomorrow I have an appt with my psychiatrist and I am going to confront him on a few things and ask him if he is burned out. I really, really want to go back to work and need his support to renew my nursing license. I think I am taking too many meds and have been stable for quite a long time so I would like to reduce my meds. Perhaps it is the meds that are keeping me stable but if so then we can always resume them if needed, right?

I am going to take the GRE and if I score crappy I will forget about school. If I score high I will keep thinking about it and see how much energy I have after returning to work. I am in no hurry. I still have a bit of mothering to do before my son is ready to be kicked from the nest. He will have to be self sufficient before I can go to school full time.