The space between me and myself.......

I feel tearful and as if life's meaning is slipping away from me slowly, just when I was at the moment where it mattered more to me than just a 'dream' I have been getting more and more in touch with reality; I can testify to its beauty; I can live less in the 'everything has to be meaningful deep human contact at every living second; phase...the down times exist....I can handle them better & better..

I found myslef skipping class tonight, where everyone told me to go when I reached out to friends saying I had a deep need to question life as a time period, as a growth period, and as a subject matter close to my heart...they said if I am so nervous about becoming a teacher why would I purposely miss class just to ponder that point? But I can feel the most profound desire to ponder, to delve, to feel and feel from intuition and to feel from my inner gut..

Can I put my delusional, manic, personality that has always been 'off' according to employers aside and maintain the disciplined way of a commander of a class? I love children more than words can express...but can I maintain classroom management? Can I provide all the details, the minute details, of a lesson and a lesson plan?

I have substitute taught when I was more ill than I am now and received complaints..but again, I am so much more in balance now...or so I thought..

I have gotten word lately in a teacher's room that I helped so much that I would be a great teacher, that i tended to each individual need, that I did keep the class under control.

I am more balanced, but I will always want to focus on the big picture, hear more about the student's week-end lives than whether they did their homework, I feel.

They say more and more teachers are being hired that are more broad thinkers lately...so far i have found my education courses fascinating, and my professors adore me..

I do love the sweetness of an elementary class; the little roles like lione leader, caboose...their innocence..

I guess I have always just earned minimum wage and am terrified of having a true career now it is mind boggling, I cannot even imagine what big paycheck looks like..

I have a lot of anger in me at the employers who fired me for 'seeming to have something strange about me' nothing outward ever, fired 58 times for small arbitrary things....

I feel so screwed up as if I have no place in this society at all, like society itself personally LOATHES me..

Many DO like me and i have a good base of friends that care...but little in common with my judgemental family..

I have to set a new teacher mindframe in order for me to teach, and I if I write about the changes that need to take place, I feel I can...

A lot of loneliness..that is what all this boils down to..

I thought I had forgiven those employers who found small faults in me and exploded at me for them, but obviously this keeps coming up..

Thoughts?

Hi,

I have a few thoughts if you don't mind me posting them for you to read.

I trained as a teacher. I happened to get another job and never actually worked as a teacher in public schools full time. However, I have a friend who teaches kindergarten in Scottsdale.

I'm not sure what age you are interested in teaching. Working with children can be one of the most rewarding jobs you ever could have. The difficulty is not the teaching or even controlling the class.

The difficult part is working with the administrations and the other teachers. Also, dealing with the parents is a challenge. Parents nowdays can give the teachers a lot of grief. They can be very difficult to handle if they feel the teacher is not being fair to their child. In most schools, it's the principal's job to handle the politics between the parent and the school but it eventually comes down to the teacher.

On the other hand, if you are inspired, you can really make a difference in the lives of the kids. When I was a student at university, one of my dearest friends was a student who was from Germany. He was a math and physics major and uber smart. He decided to go for a teaching block for job security. He and I carpooled to the high school every day our last semester of school to do our practicum. He was one of the best teachers I ever met. It was because he made it fun. The kids really, really liked him. He would entertain while he taught math and physics. It was almost like he was doing a magic show each time he went to the board to teach a complex formula. All eyes were on him.

I have no doubt, Junerain, that you would be a wonderful teacher. It's the non-teaching stuff that can cause headaches. So, if you think that won't be a problem, then go for it!

Junerain,

I wish you the best. I know you have the type of personality that children fall in love with. You are the kind of person that can draw all a child has to offer. I think you're a natural! I also believe you can do anything you want. You're caring, supportive, upbeat and a lot of other things. Hang in there.

The name of your thread is awesome. I think I'll include it as one of the phrases I keep on my bulletin board, by my computer. So true, so true. Thank you.