[confusedteen]

How do you tell your mom she sucks at her job?

So my mom sucks at being my mom. She has no idea that anything is wrong and no idea who I am. We fight so much and most of the time it's over the stupidest things. I'm tired of trying to be the bigger person in the relationship and tired of trying to make her happy and most of all I'm tired of trying to make a relationship with her when there is obviously nothing there to make a relationship with.

I want so badly to tell her to f*** off and leave me alone. And that I am not her baby anymore and she needs get over her empty nest syndrome and realize that while she is throwing herself a pity party because her kids do not need her as much anymore and were all leaving home and become strong independent people that she is loosing me in the process. I want to tell her that for years I have done my hardest to try and make her happy but it's the hardest things I've done in my life and I'm over it.

I want her to realize that things are hard for and take that into account when she is constantly nagging me about the stupid things and I want her to realize that those little things have and enormous effect on me. I want her to realize that she is the reason for some of my problems. I want her to realize that things have gotten so bad that I have attempted suicide before.

I want her to know that I need more help that she can give and that she can't fix me because I don't need to be "fixed" I just need someone there I can talk to without yelling at me or being judgmental. I want someone that I can trust and that isn't her. The end of my rope is coming up fast and I don't know what to do anymore because I'm lost.

I'm lost because I don't know who I am. I have spent years hiding my feeling and trying to change who I was in an attempt to make her happy but I am failing miserably. I realize that I will never be the person that she wants me to be but now I need to find help in order to find myself and become a person that I am proud to be and not be ashamed of myself. I want to be able to express my emotions and not be ridiculed for them and not have them thrown back in my face.

I honestly am just done with everything. I need to find a therapist but most therapist require your parents knowing if you are under 18 and sadly I am only 17 so what should I do now. I have talked to my school psychologist twice but It's just about the surface things and the fights with my mom and dad. Should I continue to talk to him and go more in depth about what's really going on or do I go meet with a therapist and have my parents find out but I know in reality there going to find out either way because what I would say to these people involve harming myself so they would be required to tell my parents. Joy.

Any advice?
-Lost
-Confused
-Mad/Angry
-Hurt
-Depressed
-and the list continues

Sincerely,
Morgan

[Elysium]

Hi Morgan...

I'm sorry that things are so tough for you right now. In reading your post, I can hear your anger and your pain over the fact that you feel that your Mom is not cutting the mustard as a mom at this point and you're feeling all this stuff.

First off....I don't think you need to TELL your Mom that she sucks at being a Mom. I understand the desire to do so....I REALLY do, but chances are, she's probably already aware of this anyway on some level. Rubbing it in her face will only backfire on you and cause you both more pain in the long run.

Second...let's talk a little bit about responsibility, and who is responsible for what in yours and hers relationship. As a parent, and this is my opinion, it is the job of a Mother/Father to care for their children. This entails caring for them physically; providing shelter, food, clothes, etc., and it entails caring for them emotionally; providing nurturing, support, offering and encouraging good values, morals, and hopefully some form of spiritual guidance. This is just the TIP of the ice-burg here for parents. IT IS NOT AN EASY JOB, to say the least, and not every parent is good at it, or as good as we want/need them to be. Just as your Mother is raising you and teaching you right/wrong, good/bad, either by modeling HOW to do things, or by modeling HOW NOT to do things, she is only capable of parenting to the level that she is capable of...and you alone cannot make her want to be a better parent. THAT is her responsibility as well...and, if for one reason or another, she chooses not to live up to that responsibility, that falls on others to make up for that for you.

It sounds like you don't have a lot of family support from others, like Father, Aunts/Uncles, Brothers/Sisters. It sounds like you FEEL like you are really on your own here. And that may be the case.

This being said...YOU also have responsibilities in this relationship. If your Mom is not going to be able to give you what you need, and no one else is going to be able to give that to you...YOU are going to have to be responsible for reaching out to safe people who CAN help you get your needs met. Whether that be a school teacher, mentor, school psychologist, a friends Mom or Dad, or extended family. But ULTIMATELY, you are old enough that YOU need to take responsibility for REACHING OUT to get your needs met if they are not getting met, and YOU need to realize that your Mother is NOT going to take responsibility for your previous attempt to take your life, and she is NOT responsible for that bottle of pills you have in your drawer, or whether YOU CHOOSE to take them to do yourself in.

Killing yourself is a choice. No one can make you do it...unless they literally physically force the pills down your throat.

It's not nice sweety. It's not nice at all when all you want is to be a child and be taken care of like you deserve and the ones who are supposed to be responsible either can't or won't be...for whatever reason. BUT...you are mature enough to realize that this is the situation you are facing, which tells me you are mature enough to take on the RESPONSIBILITY to reach out FURTHER for help...as opposed to doing what your Mother does which is just make things worse till they become everyone elses problem.

The chances that your Mom is going to "snap out of it" and wake up from zombie parenthood and become Mother of the Year is NOT looking good.

You're growing up...and growing up hurts...and it sucks...but I guarantee that if you MAKE the CHOICE to follow through with YOUR responsibilities of keeping yourself safe and reaching out to whoever you can...including yourself, and asking for the help that you need, you will prevail in the long run.

It may seem to get worse before it get's easier...but in the grown up world, when someone else drops the ball, it roles into someone elses court and then becomes their responsibility to pick it up and score with it.

Your Mom has dropped the ball...You have a RESPONSIBILITY to yourself to NOT DO THE SAME THING.

Keep reaching out for help from others. Make some noise if you have to....but if you take the cowards way out and kill yourself and think that you could blame that on your Mother...you're really doing no different then she is.

I've been through this myself. I support you...but it doesn't matter how much anyone supports you if you're not going to support yourself.

I'm here if you need to talk!!

Much love...and be safe!!

[confusedteen]

Eylsium,
Thank you so much for telling everything that I really needed to hear. I heard what you said loud and clear and it makes so much sense to me. I completely understand that being a mom is one of the hardest jobs out there and in no way shape or form is it easy.

What you have said above about responsibility really hit me and I do realize that I shouldn't be blaming my mom for the problems in my life. I know that that's the easy way out and I need to start to change that.

I understand all the things I should be doing. But saying those things is so much easier than to doing them and I just need get the courage somewhere inside me and be like hey things are really bad right now and I am the only one that can change them and if that means reaching out to someone then that is something I am going to have to do because there is no other way. For me its either be miserable or find help and I don't want to be miserable the rest of my life so I need to find help.

I like what you said about the "grown up world" and when someone else drops the ball it goes into someone else's court and you have to pick up the ball and try and make the shot. I feel like it makes sense to me and its something that I can understand.

With all of this said I do not plan on telling her that she sucks at my mom because I am really not trying to hurt her and I know saying that would kill her and make things so much worse. I am just so frustrated. What I need to do now is find someone I can truly trust and talk about everything going on and that's gone on.

Thanks you so much
~Morgan~

[sabby]

((((((((((( confusedteen & Elysium ))))))))))))))))))

I was going to post on this thread but Elysium pretty much summed up everything I would have said and she did it very eloquently.

confusedteen, you have just shown how wonderful and mature you really are with your response to Elysium. I so remember how my life was at 17 and how frustrated I became with my parents as well. It seemed the only way to let things out was to yell and scream and to say nasty things (even though I didn't mean them). It's so hurtful to do that and you can't take the words back after they've left your mouth. I only wish I had a place like this and more mental health availability when I was your age, as it may have helped make a huge difference in my life as I moved forward.

I think you are extremely brave and you have so much going for you right now. Don't forget too, many times teens don't quite "see" the whole picture about adult lives and difficulties. It's one of those things that you discover as you age and mature and begin to live an adult life Many times, that's where the difficulties in communication come into play with parents and children.

I wish you well hon.....and I believe with the attitude you are taking now, you are going to be just fine!

Be well!

[ECHOES]

Being a teen is hard, for sure. Being a mom is too.
But I see nothing wrong with having someone to talk to, like a therapist, as you try to separate from your parents and become your own person.

[Elysium]

Morgan...

I know I PM'd you already...but I just wanted to also say that I am proud of you for reaching out here the way you did.

Like I said...I've been in a similar position...and having these feelings towards your parents and their behaviors is natural and understandable and your feelings are not wrong.You're entitled to them completely.

An important thing I've learned along my path is that there is a difference between reacting and responding. When you react to something...it's typically a quick, reflex-type of action and not always well thought out. When you choose to respond to something, it typically requires a little more time and thought process. In difficult situations, it seems to work best if you can learn to respond (stop/think) first, and once you learn this skill, when life calls for an on the toes reaction, you have trained yourself to make the wiser decisions faster and there can be less collateral damage that way. One of the challenges is to figure out what the most appropriate responses to life's challenges will be. Most people have difficulty figuring this out...at many different points throughout their lives. So don't feel singled out in life by that.

And NEVER hesitate to seek support or guidance if you're not sure.

[bebop]

being 17 is very hard. please understand though that no matter how old you are you will always be your parents baby girl. I am 52 and I am still my Dad's little girl. yes he still tries to get in my business and I don't live with him.

[sunrise]

confusedteen, would it be OK to see a therapist and have your parents know that you are? You don't have to tell your mom that a big reason you want to see a therapist is because of her. You can tell them that you are really unhappy and feel depressed and you would like to see a therapist. You could also tell this to your family doctor the next time you see him/her, or you could make an appointment to see your family doc just for this purpose. The family doc can talk about next steps and maybe help ease the conversation with your parents about seeing a therapist. You can also ask the school psychologist for help with this, or a school counselor. They could call in your parents and you for a meeting and with the counselor's support your parents could be told that you need to see a therapist.

Hang in there. Life is hard but you are almost an adult and then will have more say in controlling your life. Sometimes at that age (young adult) it is really helpful to get away from home and put some space beween you and your parents. It can relieve a lot of the tension and stress.

[starrina]

I wish my daughter would read all of the
above sadly our relationship is gone and at this
point I do not see things ever getting better

Never fear "True Love Never Dies"
so my heart and arms are going to stay open
to her always and forever,and maybe one day
she will understand like you have confused.

[Rmdctc]

I do understand how hard it can be to be a teenager (believe me it was not that long ago that my mom and I were going through the same things) I do want to share a story with you though. When I was 17 my mom had her first heart attack. She was in the hospital for 3 weeks and almost died twice. Since then I have taken care of her more then shes taken care of me. The most important thing to me though is that she is still here with me. I realized that day that moms are human too and make mistakes. But I can also tell you that no one will believe in you like your mom or be in your corner like your mom. I hope you can maybe learn to look at the situation from your moms point of view some and understand that she makes mistakes like everyone else. Good luck with it all.

[enots1558]

I, too, was going to post a response but do not believe it could be better put than elysium stated. Hang in there, growing up is terribly hard and letting your child go as they grow is equally hard. Just keep yourself safe, talk to someone you trust be it your school counselor, a friend, or a therapist. And talk here in the forum, people care and are very good listeners here from what I have read