[SickOfMe]

First, sorry if this thread is in wrong forum area, I'm not sure where it belongs. Moderators, please move it to correct area if necessary. Thanks.

Not sure what is wrong with me, if there is a disorder or not, unsure completely. I just wanted to spout off a little and read any sincere worthwhile replies that may give me some type of direction or something.

34 years old. Male. Occupation: Firefighter. Married, with 2 great step-children. Married for 5 years.

Childhood: very loving mother, put me through private school, worked hard, Catholic upbringing, instilled good values. Dad was Vietnam vet, then police officer. Early years were laden with alcoholism, and eventually destroyed their marriage. No physical abuse at all upon me or my younger brother by either parent. Parents divorced when I was 13. Few good years with dad immediately after that, but by age 21 I had decided I didnt need him and began to resent pain and suffering he put my mother through. And for me, I began to recall years of feeling like I was "not good enough' for him in any way, sports, etc. Spent many years as child trying to make dad proud.

Flashforward to mid to late 20's. Couple of serious relationships with females who ultimately proved to be too immature. At the time, i couldnt see it and was very distraught over break up with one of them, but in time saw for the best. Then I met woman who pined over me for months, thought I was greatest thing next to sliced bread. A notable improvement over her ex-husband (whom she had just, literally just, divorced) Because meeting her was soon after the bad breakup of mine, I struggled with notion that there was a good, loving female out there for me, so I kept this new woman at a distance. Eventually saw her not as I thought, and we stayed together and got married. I love her kids like they were my own. She changed careers after having met me and is now also a paramedic. She has much baggage of her own (verbally abusive father and ex-husband, self esteem issues, etc.)

I do for others constantly. Little things, insignificant things, big things, whatever. For all my family, especially my wife. I am a "go-to" guy. My chosen profession is even that of helping others, albeit strangers. I now have and have had a newly formed relationship with my father (past 7 years or so) Aired out the dirty laundry with him, etc. All in all, not bad.

Problem: Depressed constantly. Mood swings constantly. Have tried a few anti-depressants, some worked, some didnt. I am obsessive-compulsive with cleaning, organizing, straightening stuff out, etc. I have to be busy all the time. If I slow down, my mind "takes over" so to speak and drowns me with constant depressing thoughts. Makes the regular worries in life exponentially worse. (money, etc.) Quick to anger, and yet I feel constantly sad. Feel like I have no respect from wife and every time that I ask to talk with her because of something on my mind, I am made to feel like its not important and I should just 'man-up" and deal with it. I go out of way for everyone, and yet so unappreciated do I feel.

Theres more, but I am sure that whomever started to read all this either quit long ago, or wished they had. So I digress. I appreciate any input. Thanks.

[Pomegranate]

Have you tried marriage counseling or even just therapy for yourself? I think that might be a good place to start. If you have chronic depression and your wife doesn't, she may never understand how you feel, how hard you try. I hope you are still trying to find the right medications that will help you. And therapy or marriage counseling and lots of self help for depression: eat well, get enough and good quality sleep, stay in the present - live one day or one hour at a time, exercise a bit every day, keep stress as low as possible in your life, etc. etc.

Start taking care of yourself as much as you take care of other people. You deserve it just as much as anyone else does. Treat yourself like you would your best friend if they were feeling like you are, what advice would you give them? Take that advice to heart for yourself. Love yourself.

[Lenny]

Hello sickofme....Nobody here is sickofyou....

Outside of your profession,,being to "go to" guy,,helping the family and others...do you have something that you do for you?

A hobbie,,an interest,,an outlet?

If not get one(some)...If you do,,,do it more...

We need to feed the source or the well does run dry...

With Care,

Lenny

[Naturefreak]

(((SickOfMe)))
Good advice from Pom and Len . Wish I could help.
Take care of yourself .

[VickiesPath]

Hi SickOfMe,

We welcome you here at PsychCentral. Please know that we care very much about what's happening in your life.

You did a terrific job of laying your life out in just a few paragraphs. It was amazingly concise. What I'm going to tell you is going to be short and sweet. I'll first give you a little of my background and then tell you what impression I got when I read your post.

I am 57 years old. I have spent the better part of my life reading books, researching in the library (remember, the internet wasn't around for a while), talking to therapists, inpatient in psychiatric wards, outpatient in psychotherapy groups, reading research papers on the internet, reading medical journals and textbooks, studying psychotropic medications and talking to fellow patients and attending support groups. My diagnoses are: bipolar disorder, childhood physical abuse, post traumatic stress disorder, and adult child of alcoholic parents. Thanks to forums like this one, I have had the privilege of knowing some of the most learned patients in the world with regard to their own serious mental illnesses.

OK. What I have learned is this: both you and your wife are in high stress jobs. That and of itself creates one set of problems. Also, people who tend to gravitate toward the line of work you both are in usually have had childhood environments that were high stress, producing adrenaline dependence. Both you and your wife picked helping occupations. Your father was a police officer and an alcoholic which is a double whammy. As a child, you did not know what to expect from your father as far as his mood and were often probably nervous or frightened in anticipation of the exchange between he and your mother. This results in a form of PTSD. The effects of PTSD last a very long time unless dealt with specifically. It could easily be contributing to your current mood disorder along with the problems with your wife. She has her own scenario going on. I don't even want to get started on her issues. The communication between the two of you needs to improve and unless she becomes aware of the need to address her own issues, things will stall. Therapy at least for you would help tremendously.

I hope this at least helps a little.

[Michah]

Hi Sickofme.....and welcome!

I wonder......is it spiritual fatigue? Are you desperately missing something you cannot put your finger on?

I have gone through a very similar time in my life.......after 15 years of therapy and meds and hospital, I hit 30. And the last 6 years have been a bit of a ride.......finding and loving who I am......and accepting loss, embracing change and "growing up".

I also wonder if a good therapist may be able to help you navigate the way......to help yourself......to find yourself......to provide a compass through this wild and confusing terrain......have no fear.......would I sound contrite if I said that this is a good thing? That you wish for more in your life? That you question the status quo? I think you are very brave......keep going......for greatness always follows rebirth......

We would never learn......if we did not question......

Take good care......I look forward to hearing more from you.

May your day move with stillness.......and a quiet smile

Michah

[theotterone]

Originally Posted by Vickie in Phoenix

Hi SickOfMe,

We welcome you here at PsychCentral. Please know that we care very much about what's happening in your life.

You did a terrific job of laying your life out in just a few paragraphs. It was amazingly concise. What I'm going to tell you is going to be short and sweet. I'll first give you a little of my background and then tell you what impression I got when I read your post.

I am 57 years old. I have spent the better part of my life reading books, researching in the library (remember, the internet wasn't around for a while), talking to therapists, inpatient in psychiatric wards, outpatient in psychotherapy groups, reading research papers on the internet, reading medical journals and textbooks, studying psychotropic medications and talking to fellow patients and attending support groups. My diagnoses are: bipolar disorder, childhood physical abuse, post traumatic stress disorder, and adult child of alcoholic parents. Thanks to forums like this one, I have had the privilege of knowing some of the most learned patients in the world with regard to their own serious mental illnesses.

OK. What I have learned is this: both you and your wife are in high stress jobs. That and of itself creates one set of problems. Also, people who tend to gravitate toward the line of work you both are in usually have had childhood environments that were high stress, producing adrenaline dependence. Both you and your wife picked helping occupations. Your father was a police officer and an alcoholic which is a double whammy. As a child, you did not know what to expect from your father as far as his mood and were often probably nervous or frightened in anticipation of the exchange between he and your mother. This results in a form of PTSD. The effects of PTSD last a very long time unless dealt with specifically. It could easily be contributing to your current mood disorder along with the problems with your wife. She has her own scenario going on. I don't even want to get started on her issues. The communication between the two of you needs to improve and unless she becomes aware of the need to address her own issues, things will stall. Therapy at least for you would help tremendously.

I hope this at least helps a little.

I echo Vicki, but as you hang around here, you will find I usually do.

I would suggest you not only see a marriage therapist, but an individual one too. It wouldn't hurt be re-evaluated by a pdoc (PC short-hand for psychiatrist) since some anti-depressants helped (so suggests the gal who had taken 3 MMPI's by the time she was 25...) Even if you get back on medication, therapy will help. (Most people are most successfull with a combination of meds and therapy). Also look into meditation classes, relaxation techniques and remember to take time for yourself! As Vicki said, you two are in high stress careers!

Look into hobbies. Think of things you LIKE to do, not compelled to do. I understand as when I am off (usually medication adjustments) I get a "touch" OCD. Maybe look into something that isn't helping others. You do this EVERYWHERE else in your life, be a little "selfish". I know it's hard, I am only now getting to the point where I am recognizing when I need to take care of me. (I am also a "caregiver" type, I call it "Mom syndrome", where I can't just mother my children).

It sounds like you have a really good handle on your self-awareness and of those around you. Just keep in mind you are worth your help too! Hope this helps!

[Rmdctc]

Sounds like you need some individual and couples counseling. I would also suggest you set aside at least an hour a day to do things for yourself and only yourself. Sounds like you maybe burnt out from helping people too much and not taking care of yourself enough. I know it can be hard but you need to take care of yourself first before you can help others.

[googley]

Hello and welcome.

Another thing to mention along with all the wonderful advice above is that sleep is a really important part of staying healthy. Especially with issues like depression. I am assuming since you are a firefighter you do 12 on 12 off or 24 on 24 off or some other schedule that is not the normal 9-5 (I could be wrong). I'm a student and I know when I have to stay up for tests or writing papers, just a couple of nights can really throw me for a loop. If you see a therapist or Pdoc you might want to look into ways of making the most of the sleep that you do get. Also one of the biggest things that I have learned to do (and I still have to work at it) is saying no to people. This includes my family. I can't always be at their beck and call when they need me. It is hard but necessary. It seems like you might need some practice also in using the word 'no' and feeling comfortable about it. When I started using it, I would first use, "let me think about it" instead of a direct 'no'. This let me think about if it was something I wanted/needed to do before answering. It took practice for me to still say 'no'. But it was easier than starting off saying no to everything.

Good luck.

[possum220]

Welcome to PC.

Ever tried saying the words No to others and Yes to you?

[starrina]

Time Love and Tenderness

I am sorry for what brings you to our family
but pull up a chair,and make yourself at home

I am in no postion to give relationship advice
at all but I do think the advise given is the best
for you and yours please take care og the
most important person you know YOU