Antisocial Son

I am at a loss. My son is 12 and has a pattern of blaming his coaches and teachers when things don't go perfectly. He's not a deliquent -- quite the contrary -- he's a perfectionist! He studies hard and is upset if he doesn't get an A but will come home if the test is hard and say "that dumb teacher gave stupid questions so I did poorly". Twice now he has gotten kicked off/dropped from sports teams in town because he was "mouthing off" to the coach or another child you didn't play as well as he thought he should -- and told him so.
This behavior has been going on for years. We tried therapy and he didn't listen to the therapist at all. The principals have spoken to him. I have spoken to him. It's like he doesn't internalize the problem. He hears it; he knows it exists. But he does NOTHING with the information -- he makes no attempt to change his behavarior. As long as things are going the way he likes he's as happy and charming and delightful as anyone you have ever met. But once something doesn't go well all hell breaks loose.
Yes, his dad is a pychopath. His dad left us about 4 years ago after an affair and a baby with the woman. He is a well known physician so I can't get into more details but it was crippling for me. I tried very hard to rise above it for the kids. I started my own business and send them off to school everyday and am here for them 100%. But their dad completely undermines all the effort I make when he sees them. He doesn't mean to and he's not always terrible but sometimes he does reinforce what my son thinks and that is very destructive.

I don't know what to do. Regular therapy didn't work. This morning I told him he was about to kicked off the tennis team because he yelled at the boy he was partnered with for not getting a few shots. And he got angry with me for "not believing him" and told me to "shut up" and that I was a "jerk". I can't believe it. I took away TV and he just doesn't care.
Help? I feel i need a different kind of therapist who can reach him. I'm told there are some pychiatrists who can role play but so far no one has been able to reach inside my son === including me.

Hi and Welcome!

Yes I think finding a good psychologist would be a step in the right direction. Maybe you could call a few and have an interview with each one-- after all you'll be paying them- you want to make sure they are the right fit for you and your son.

On the subject of perfectionism. I have to say, I've been somewhat like your son. I grew up feeling my best wasn't good enough.. thought I could only be admired and loved if I was at the top. It's very stressful!! Could it be that your son is feeling inferior and thus has to make up for it in his actions? Perhaps telling him he doesn't have to be everything and you'll still love him- would help. That it doesn't mean he's less of a person if he or anyone around him isn't perfect.

I may be way off in how he's feeling, but I do believe talking with someone that can reach him would be very helpful. I do hope you find some therapy that will help.... it's a tough place for him to be in right now, and tough for you too. Good luck- let us know, how things go.

Mandy

Thanks for the suggestions. Unfortunately he was in therapy for two years and got along great with the therapist. But he didn't really get anything from it. He didn't talk to the therapist much and in fact even fell asleep once in a session. So the therapist told me it was a waste of my time. I'm told there are therapists that act out behaviors as a form of therapy -- reenact situations so it can become realier in his mind. But I haven't been able to find one and don't know how to go about finding one.

I agree about telling him it's ok not to be perfect. But someone he's "wired" this way and no matter what I say he just doesn't get it. I need to find a male role model that he will listen to.