a most important study to read

I usuallly browse each phych central news letter and never fail to read something that touched my heart.

This artical in particular I want to bring to everyones attention,

http://psychcentral.com/news/2009/11...m_medium=email

I have read some of the most heart breacking stories from women who's husbands left them after they were diagnoised with cancer . Many in stage 3 and 4 .
One was for another woman.

There is no greater hurt than asking someone who you thought was a caring wonderful person to please be there for you instead turn on you and abandon you while facing this diseae

And when done cruely it can almost make you want to crawl away and die

It hurts so much .

men please learn to be better care takers so when the time comes you won't be so over whelmed .

your wives need you durring this time .
Nothing hurts worse than a man turning thier back

same goes fro a menatl illness or any illness .

And for any woman out there in the dating world .

Please say NO to any man you meet who does such an act.
Just walk away .

Patricia

How sad and tragic.

How would medical psychosocial prevention prevent a man from leaving his wife at such a difficult time?

That is very sad! What happend to the vows "in sickness and in health". I wonder if it's because men struggle with being a caregiver and nurturer since women are more naturally inclined to be that way. I'm not saying there aren't some wonderful men who are great caregivers. It could also be fear -where they just don't know how to cope, so they run away instead.

very interesting....today in the morning in the news was saying the same thing....that mostly husbands are leaving their wives if they have cancer!!!!
so sad!

this isn't quite the same situation but my mom (a widow) went thru breast cancer just this august and naturally my sister and i took care of her. my sister had been dating a new guy for a couple of months and was just gaga over him and told me she thought he was the one. my sister is in her 40s and this guy his early 50s. the guy decided he needed a break from their relationship the day before my mom started radiation treatment. then, a couple weeks later he started up the relationship again with my sis--right after my mom's treatment ended. i haven't talked to my sister about it because we aren't that close, but i keep telling my mom this guy is so not the one for my sister. i think my sis is finally seeing the light as she's started to date other guys as well.

This is really sad. I really can't figure out why a man would do this. This kind of thing really makes me angry. I really don't know what I would do if I heard of a man telling me he left his wife when she needed him the most.

Unfortunately, there is more to being there than just being there for you during times of sickness. My husband stuck with me through my depression & suicide attempts.......sadly, I would have been better off if he had left.....looking back, he was part of why I felt that way in th first place. He was a very NICE person.....but he wasn't a responsible person......I was always having to fight about being responsible throughout our marriage.......when I got sick & turned over the finances to him to handle.....he destroyed us financially.

His comment....I was never good at those kind of things...that is why I married you.......so why was it always a fight in the first place to be financially responsible? I wish he would have left as it would have been better to have no one to feel like I should have been able to depend on to take care of the financial responsibilities. If I had no one & would have known all the facts of my financial situation, I would have forced myself to handle the things that I was depending on him to handle because he knew the information. He was there....he was always there.....but he had no idea how to take care of or protect what he was then responsible for.....it all went back to his way of doing things with the money without any concept of the reality of the situation.

I wish he had walked out.....I would have been much better off. The sad thing is that when he lost his career & became depressed (the one thing he told me I should have done when I lost my career)......when I got the chance to leave....I left....now I am the bad guy for walking out on him when he got sick because he didn't walk out on me. Of course, his comment on how his situation is different than mine........he had all the right buzz words....I shouldn't have had my identity tied to my career........but it was ok for him to when it happened to him.....why? Because I have so many other things I am good at doing & involved in & he had nothing but his career....so he validated his feelings that way.

There are times when we are better off if they do leave....it does depend on the situation......I believe that most of the time it is better for the husband to be responsible & stay......there are also those times when the person is much better off without them.....just my opinion based on my experience with mental illness....not cancer.

By the time he stuck with me through my mother's cancer, I was so sick of being around him.....I still would have been better off without him......even though he took care of things around the house that I wasn't able to while being full time with my Mother & ended up getting sick from the trauma that I went through with her....he was absolutely no help with the trauma either & didn't believe what was happening rather than supporting me & helping me handle it.

That was my determining factor in my leaving was that there was never a time in our marriage that he would ever help me handle anything even though he was there physically, he was never there emotionally......there is a huge difference.....& when the person isn't there emotionally even though they are physically there, it may very well be that we would be better off if they actually left.

Sadly, in his case, he thought by being there physically, he was being there emotionally for me....as he had no idea what it really meant.

Just my personal experience,
Debbie

thanks for this Aurora.... it might be good placed in relationships too... its sad (more than sad) when couples break over health issues.. in the end we will all need some help and its too bad they didnt see it coming ahead of time... its kinda late when we are already alone...

What would be telling is if he is there for your sister and asks about your mother NOW catching up on what he missed while he was taking a breack. Or if he just focues or cares about anything else. but her illness.
That would be a red flag .



Patricia

From the opposite side of the spectrum, my wife left me when she found out I had paranoid schizophrenia. Just when I needed her the most in my life. I know I have put her through hell because of my odd behaviour, but it called Til Death Due Us Part. At least I thought.

(((((sardean))))

A broken vow, it kills me that when you needed her most she was not there.....let us at PC be there now, not the same, but life has a funny way of changing and opening a door where a window closes...

HUGS!

Junerain said it beautifully. And I too feel your pain.

And LynnP brought up the Vowes

And I was thinking about how the vowes still taken are no longer truth. I belive they were made for a reason that to safeguarde the two becoming one that being the children the family. .

And though the untightening of them was due to abusive situations It opened the door for much lesser outs.

Patricia

This prompted me to google and i found the Times In the UK had already made an artical a month ago and it it gives a real life story thats sad.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/lif...cle6875081.ece

I think your right Nowheretorun . It would fit well in the relationship forum .

Eskie ,

After My mother died my relationship with my brother showed that Money is thicker than blood.
This was true in my family because I was abandodned when I needed help the most . In stead I was physically abused more .
And how this efected me was .

Cancer is one of the more costly diagnosises .

Neglect makes it difficult to be there for the neglecter when they need it the most. Its asking alot of a family member to be there for someone and they have been abused . by them.

My brother has abused me since childhood and he got the final blow .

What concerns me about the woman who are left because they have cancer , Is that they have probabaly been abandoned neglected and abused all along.

and whats difficult for me right now is not taking the treatment I have been getting lately and thinking I deserve it .

Patricia

I do have a mental illness & my husband has stuck w/me through my darkest times (suicide attempts) & my confusing times when I didn't know why I felt so badly so blamed him. He really is a saint, but at a certain point I can understand the spouse leaving. If he/she is being beaten down every day from the person w/the metal illness & tried everything in his capacity to help & still the marriage is pure hell (like screaming fights & mother doing rash things--affairs, trying to get run over by cars, etc. as my mother did), I just figure if you've done your best & it isn't working you should not be destined to live in this hell. You didn't sign up for a lifelong life of turmoil & chaos.

Each person deserves SOME JOY in his life.

I don't blame those who have been put through the wringer due to the spouse's mental illness & there is not bright future in sight. Who deserves a life like that?

Thank you for your Thoughts trying and caring,

This thread is specifiaclly about male spouses leaving wives after being diagnosised with Cancer or MS .

and there is not much joy in those diseaaeses in thier latter stages,

I am well aware of what you speack of though .

And for me right now . I was diagnosised with a rare cancer . I had a friend I gave my heart to .

and it was the wrong Joe but I loved him . And if I meet no one else he wil be the last one..

Patricia

Men leaving their wives at such difficult times as cancer do not deserve the title of "man" and "husband". Such selfishness demands that these people should be excluded from society and humanity!

This behaviour results in:
the demise of a relationship of husband and wife
the breach of trust among the two partners for life
the loss of faith of the woman on all other people especially men
the feeling of being untoucable or unbearable or unwanted or no more required
and most importantly bereavement of the urge and desire to live!!!

I personally feel the men abandoning their wives just becuase of some disease or illness should be charged with murder.

And one last thing: The research tagline reads: Men more likely to abandon partner during illness... so this is something women are also doing but likelihood of this among men is higher, but still women are also the same thing, with a lesser percentage certainly. The other side is not brighter as well.

Regards
ZILCH HOUR