[Junerain]

I was feeling consumed in inner anger at the thought of how my bipolar had relentlessly ruined my twenties, how my mind was a little 'off' and could not find a career or a husband or friends all throughout my twenties, just getting into things in my thirties and feelign scared to have my life back in order....me? I was always the running joke always shunned always the punch line......I had been diving into bad relations with men, diving full force, I was trying to FEEL something other than anger, anything at all...

I told my therapist I had been thinking of getting back into reading, he shared he used to read a lot in diners, reading was a way of life for him, I felt understood by him, he even shared some of his struggles with me.

I ordered the book "Getting a Grip," the autobiography of Monica Seles. I had been reading all the mental illness biographies up till that point, and wanted a change, wanted to get out of introspection and emotional toil.

Monica is refreshing! She struggled with emotional upheaval/finding herself, too, with a new lot on life, beyond tennis.

I just feel like this book is saving my life, getting me out of Junerain and into and appreciating life just as it is, that it would be lived by anyone, that I could write my own biography and it wouldnt even be that different in heart, than Monica's.

I was so wrapped up in my issues, and when I get wrapped up in another life, I feel validated, understood, and real, like a real person living!

I still have a long ways to go in becoming more oragnized and less emotional...but it's a start!!

[ECHOES]

Good to hear, Junerain! I love it when a book has a positive impact on me too.

Your thread title caught my eye because yesterday I borrowed from the library a biography/autobiograpy (both) of Helen Keller. It is a 'revised Classic' that I believe I read in my youth and was meaningful to me. I hope my experience is positive like yours!

I found rachel riland's book "get me out of here" very helpful to me in my journey.

[VickiesPath]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Good to hear, Junerain! I love it when a book has a positive impact on me too.

Your thread title caught my eye because yesterday I borrowed from the library a biography/autobiograpy (both) of Helen Keller. It is a 'revised Classic' that I believe I read in my youth and was meaningful to me. I hope my experience is positive like yours!

Excellent principle, Junerain, I've just discovered it myself, the same time as you. And Hellen Keller's autobiography is a really wonderful book, Echoes. Can you imagine someone with more to deal with.

God has been whispering to me my whole life. Sometimes I didn't listen. I simply shooed it away like a buzzing fly. But now i'm listening. Suddenly it became clear to me that my time was wasted focusing on what I DIDN'T HAVE as a result of my illness. I needed to be focusing on what I DID HAVE. Everything has changed as a result.

I am so happy for you both.

[catrules]

Hi, interesting thread. I have been really on a down swing all week. And I found a newspaper (which I generally don't pay attention to), and found an article about a brave lady from my town who I was socially acquainted with. She is a below the knee amputee, and has always dealt with it very well. Three years ago, she decided to begin running competitively, and has broken most records for distance runners who are also amputees. She has also blown away the competition in races against non-amputees. Her time qualified for a place in the last summer olympics, but when she and a fellow amputee petitioned to get in, they were denied as having an "advantage". Never did make much sense to me. I could be running with a rocket pack, and would still come in last.

Anyway, I was reminded of her struggles and her triumphs while I have been mourning my losses. And I was also let in to her work with children under similar circumstances. It did not really make me feel a lot better if I am being honest, but I did find it interesting and gave me something to think about.

I googled her and found her website and blog if you are looking for a great life story.

http://www.seeamyrun.com

[VickiesPath]

Hello catrules,

I guess for me, my life took a turn. I had a beautiful baby boy late in life. Wasn't supposed to be able to have children but he was my blessing and I love him so much. His father and I divorced when he was three. He and I moved to Arizona and I remarried. At age 14, he decided to move back to Kansas to live with his father and go to high school there because he has two half siblings who live there and he's very close to his half-sister and her husband. He is an excellent student and is a wonderful young man. His brother-in-law is like a combination big brother and father figure to him because his own father is not very skilled as a parent.

So, I found myself in an early empty nest situation with a husband who is preparing to retire. I had lots of time on my hands to bemoan all the things that my illness had cost me (and it was plenty) and in all honesty, it did benefit me to work out some of the issues. But I finally came to the realization that what is past, is past and I cannot do a thing about it.

So, I decided to take stock of what I am and who I am and what I can do. When I got truly honest about it, I was surprised. So now, I am looking forward to some projects I have planned for the future including speaking as an advocate for the mentally ill and mostly, I am looking forward to entertaining in nursing homes with my guitar as I was once a "professional" entertainer (put myself through college singing and playing guitar and banjo). This I will do for free. I have always enjoyed seniors and being with them.

[catrules]

Interesting your thoughts about being an advocate for the mentally ill. In my other life, I was working for child protective services. I used to get so frustrated with some of the families I worked with. Going through this myself has given me new insight and has been humbling. Thought I had all the answers. Obviously, I did not.

I was thinking just today about volunteering to go back to my workplace, and speaking to my former colleagues about my own experience in order to give them some of the same insight. I hope I soon have the strength to do that. Thank you for your response

[lou99pop]

The book that I had read 'rachel riland, get me out', have helped me to start a new journey and keep walking without stopping or get help if I can. Good luck to your new book!

[amante]

Junerain,
This is my story and my letter to Oprah, that I think sums up my journey so far in life, it might be an encouraging read for you too.
I wanted to share it with the hopes that it can encourage and inspire someone that might be feeling low and like giving up. I never sent the letter to Oprah, but that's another story.

Dear Oprah:
Can I tell you that my favorite movie line is "This kind of certainty comes but once in a lifetime", it is from the movie The Bridges of Madison County and it is with overwelming certainty in my heart that I share with you my inspiring story of the endurance of the human spirit. I am a survivor, not of Breast Cancer or Leukemia or another terrible illness but I am a warrior who has journeyed through four epic life-changing events that have shown me the true meaning of the depth and courage of my existence. I survived domestic violence, the immigration to America to build a brand new life, the heartbreak of infertility and the pain and suffering of a medical malpractice mistake. I have endured two decades of pushing the very limits of my courage and bravery, my hopes and dreams and the amazing barriers that the human heart and mind can break through.
After 3 years of physical and mental abuse, I knew that I would be dead or in intensive care so I found the strenght and inner courage to leave my abuser. Leaving my violent relationship came with a price, to accomplish this I had to leave behind my entire family to immigrate to the United States for my safety. I travelled solo and arrived at Newark Airport with just one suitcase and a few dollars. I knew no-one in this country but slowly built up friendships and contacts and made a life for myself far away from my folks back home. I found the courage to trust again and finally married my husband. Our life was golden, I had the picket fence, the perfect husband and the excitement of starting a family of my own. Yet that excitement was taken from me when I was faced with infertility and learned that the only way for me to carry a child was by the method of Invitro Fertilization. I cried many tears and asked "Why Me, hadn't I endured enough hurt, pain and humiliation?". Though I was certain of one thing, I knew I would walk through fire to have the miracle of a child. So once more my human spirit pushed me through the unfamiliar territory of needles and infertility drugs and we were blessed with two healthy pregnancys. I gave birth to two very special miracle boys. My life felt complete and I finally experienced true happiness and even though I paid an steep price for the freedom of domestic violence there would always be the emotional void that my immediate family were so far away. Becoming a mother after yearning for so many years helped me to realize the sacrifices I had made were meant to be. The certainty I felt surrounded by the love of my husband and children was truly the kind that comes but once in a lifetime, just like the movie line and I wanted to be paused in this moment for all eternity.
Sadly the happiness was lost just months after the birth of my youngest son, and during a routine hernia repair surgery I was the victim of a medical malpractice mistake. It was without a doubt the most hardest experience of my life. It's ironic, I came from another country as a battered woman and now in my land of promise at the hands of a doctor, I was once more a battered woman. The mistake left me disabled and we are now in the middle of a very intense legal lawsuit, where this nightmare remains fresh and raw each day and our broken lives seem impossible to rebuild. I reflect and realise that I have lived half of my life with the feeling of being damaged yet deep within my soul, I felt a compelling drive to fight for what I know in my heart and spirit was right. A drive so strong that I left behind loved ones, a drive to mend a damaged heart, a drive to rebuild a shattered life, a drive to find justice and a drive to heal from the inside out. I often question what is it within the human spirit that gives us the inspiration and desire to warrior through our darkest days, I know my faith and trust in God is present, and I know an inner force shines through.
In my darkest moments I know that I have come through this for a reason, I know with certainty that God must hand pick those with the unbreakable core, those that can be strong enough to endure the pain and suffering. I was chosen to live this life and found myself proud of what I have been through and survived. When you glance at someone from a distance, do you know their inner pain, their inner demons - are they damaged beyond repair? I write to your show with the hopes that I can inspire at least one person, to share with someone in the middle of domestic violence that there is a way out, to grieve with someone that is infertile and share their lost dreams of parenthood, to tell someone that a new life is waiting for them, to remind someone that it wasn't their fault and to cry with someone who feels broken and destroyed. Your show inspires me each day when the day has beaten me down. Perhaps you'll have a show topic like mine one day where women can talk about multiple tests of their courage and fight and determination. My path may continue to be mapped out with trials and tribulations, it could be the part of a higher plan, perhaps I am yet to endure the biggest challenge that my spirit will conquer. I hope and dream that the next fourty years are quiet and settled, with the joys of normalcy, just watching our children growing up and giving us weddings and grandchildren to prepare for. When my children scatter my ashes or bury my soul, both they and I will know that they were loved intensely, cherished and wanted and needed. I think they'll remember Mommy as a woman of herculean strenght, whose inner spirit battled like a warrior and never gave up.
I would love to be a part of your show, in any form or any way. Maybe I could benefit from a make over, I sure have plenty of battle scars. But most of all, I would love to be blessed and hugged by you and to share my story to inspire others and perhaps benefits from some of your wise words of wisdom and therapy. I hope you and your staff enjoyed reading my letter. Amanda