[troubledmind21]

I'll make this long story short so I can get as much advise as fast as I can. If more details about my emotional past is needed by anyone to help them give better advise, just ask, and I'll answer within reason. And no, I didn't have lack of attention in my childhood. I've asked for advise somewhere else and that's the conclusion someone had come to.

I have depression and am currently only taking medication for my ADD. I'm 21 years old. A few years back I spent a summer having sex with lots of random guys I knew. I have low self esteem. I am with a man, I know for a fact that I am in love with, however, I have been having sexual relations online with two male friends of mine, one I loved very much and the other is my best friend. I find myself needing to satisfy myself and know that they are by me. It's hard for me to admit this sort of thing. I feel bad because I refuse to ever tell my boyfriend about it. I don't feel bad for doing it, just for the fact of hiding something from him. But my biggest problem is that I feel bad because I'm at this point I've been at a few times before where I've done this. I feel bad because I don't want to do this. I want to be better for my boyfriend. Is there something wrong with me? How do I fix this without telling my boyfriend?

[Stranger2]

I think even though you are having sex over the internet you are still deceiving your boyfriend.. You need to cut ties with these two guys..Thats if you truly love your boyfriend..You need to be faithfull to him.. After all he isn't cheating on you..

[Irine]

Well - yeah - you know - i remember feeling bad for sleeping with a guy form class when i was 18, i thought he was my bf and that we were going to marry. Very stupid of me. All he wanted was to ****. But still with my religious up bringing - i did feel extremely guilty. For sleeping and not marring like i always thought i would. She told me to leave him I know that your case is not similar to mine - but with all that awful guilt i felt, and i am used to feel it close to self loathing she told me
"If you feel bad for it its already good, we are already a step away form it you are not completely IN it "!
I loved that sentence and i am happy to remember it now that i read your situation

Also - i think you need to see - now if you know what makes you feel bad about it - what makes you feel good about it? i mean - what benefits (mental physical whatever) you have with it that you keep it up. What you can do is tell them if they start it themselves - that you have a bf and you are not interested in doing it any more. Stay friend but don`t do the sex talk...

[shezbut]

Hi troubledmind21,

I agree with Stranger2. By the way you worded things, I would say that you do have some guilt and shame of your "cheating" behavior. The guilt and shame that you feel comes from within ~ you.

From experience, I can tell you that the only way those emotions go away is to deal with them. They cannot be hidden from yourself, as they are a part of you. I'd therefore recommend that you stop the online sexual relationships. Maybe that's all you need to rid yourself of the shame. But, you may need to sit and talk with your boyfriend openly and honestly. Perhaps you need to go further and get professional help to work through unhealthy sexual addictions.

Only you know what you truly need and desire. Listen to that part of your mind. Be honest with yourself. See where that takes you. Best wishes to you!