[thinkinghappy]

My boyfriend gets his daughters this weekend. they are young 3 & 7.. I am worried because everytime they are here i get really stressed. I dont know why or when I became the person who cannot tolerate children. I have always loved kids and been the person to take all my neices and nephews. Now Im horrible..I dont know if its because my son is grown and moved out or perhaps because my daughter passed away..What is my issues. I love these little girls. They are so cute but I find that I lock myself into the bedroom often to get away. Sometimes I get so stressed that I have to leave the house. My boyfriend and his girls do not deserve this. What can I do to make it better..

[FooZe]

What actually happens? What do you do, what do the kids do, what comes up for you? How would you like to respond instead, and what seems to be stopping you?

[thinkinghappy]

the kids just start fighting or refuse to listen to their dad..they throw screaming fits when they dont get their way. but nothing really happens because i run and hide. i get to stressed to deal with it. i get shakey and major headaches so running from the problems is all i know to do. i dont want to yell and scream

Have you talked to you therapist about this? I imagine your boyfriend could do a bit more. Albeit, if your friendship is to continue, you and he will have to come to an accommodation while you are working to ameliorate the stress.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by thinkinghappy

the kids just start fighting or refuse to listen to their dad..they throw screaming fits when they dont get their way.

I don't have kids of my own and don't spent much time around kids. One thing that occurs to me when I am around kids is that I want to stay out of the way of whatever their parents are teaching them. I may not like to see them stuffing their faces with junk food or hear them fighting, for instance, but unless I already have a relationship with the kid (which hasn't been the case for quite a while) I'm not going to try to talk them out of it. The way I've mostly been handling it has been not that different from yours: getting away from the kids as gracefully as possible.

Once I had a roommate who'd occasionally have her young son (about 6, I think) for a day or a weekend. He turned out to be a handful. Once while his mom was out on an errand he asked if he could borrow my scissors. Since they were the pointed, adult kind I told him no, not unless his mom okayed it. He grabbed the scissors and ran off with them. I chased him down and took the scissors back; he took his revenge on my houseplants. The incident gave me a good excuse for avoiding him for the rest of the time that roommate lived there -- only a few more months.

More recently I worked a few times at the house of a father who seemed to treat his son (about 8? I don't remember) very harshly. I didn't see any physical violence, just lots and lots of blame. That was another situation I opted to get away from as soon as I could.

i get to stressed to deal with it. i get shakey and major headaches so running from the problems is all i know to do. i dont want to yell and scream

I haven't found any need to run away but I do make a point of avoiding unnecessary stress by walking away. I figure yelling and screaming would be about the least effective thing I could do and would be pretty sure to make the situation worse.

Any idea why it's so stressful for you? It sounds to me as though you need to stay in communication with your boyfriend about the kids and your reaction to them. You'll probably find the conversation easier if you've already started working out what your stress reaction is about and have a few insights to work with (and perhaps share).

If you wanted to look at some of your kid stress issues here, you'd probably find some good support in dealing with them.

Is this the weekend? How are things going?

[thinkinghappy]

So far the weekend has not been too bad, they are here all day today so we will see. The main problems are that dad is such a softy that he does not make them listen and therefor the torture begins. They know that they can get away with about anything. I cannot do anything about it because they are not my children so the stress mounds to the point that I feel like i am going to have a panic attack. sometimes its like an episode of the nanny here. Also dad breaks my rules. I have made my computer room into an "adult only" place. here I can hide for one, and for two i keep my pictures and things i dont want ruined by the kids. well everytime i am not here he lets them in here. It is so irratating. Now..just so you all know that i am not just being petty I have to tell you the reason I do this.. The day my x hurt me he also destroyed everything I owened. If there was anything in my house that had meaning he destroyed it. He even cut the face out of all my daughters pictures who had passed away. I have recovered some pictures from family and I have made some new memories with things people have given me, I still dont have much..but I have a feirce protectiveness over things I do have. i talk to my bf about it and he has made some improvements but I fear for my health when i feel like this. I also know it confuses the children because they dont understand why i hide. Im not even sure my bf understands even though I tell him. I guess you have to have been through the traumas before understanding.

[amante]

Hey, you need to be less hard on yourself. Children of those ages, can be very stressful and that's coming from a parent of two that are high demanding, don't listen and fight over silly things. The good point is that the kids are young enough that you can have a nice impact on their lives.