Do you want to get better?

thine,

you are here. you are sharing. you are honest and open. that means a lot.

teenage depression is extremely difficult. especially as a girl. (not implying that it's easy as a boy) it always made me angry when people would constantly mention "my hormones", but looking back it is so very true and such a huge factor in how you are feeling and how hard it is to see outside of it at times.

things will change as life goes on. sometimes it will seem good, other times bad, and sometimes it will seem like nothing has changed at all.

you are obviously very intelligent. and that often makes things even more frustrating from the teenage perspective, because no matter how smart you are, you still feel so trapped sometimes.

this is just where you are right NOW. it's ok to feel this way. I promise.

I understand the attention pay back factor. There is some comfort in getting support that I might otherwise not get if I were well. I know I have worn out its attention grabbing effect in real life however. No one in my family or of those who might be called a friend wants to hear or know about the state my 'mental or emotional problems'. To say recovery would suggest there was a real problem and no one in my world wants to acknowledge that. Its all in my head don't you know. If I wanted to be well I would be well. Black and white to them. They want and expect the 'fake me' to be present in their midst but don't allude to the fact that I am faking it. It is what it is and when I am not in avoidance mode I accommodate them. I sometimes think that they might be right and I am just making all of this up to accommodate some sick excuse for not measuring up. Now that is sick. Hey... either way I am sick. lol

I failed to get attention in the right ways. I was "less than" athletically, professionally, personally and in any other measurable way that matters in my world so maybe if I make myself sick they will feel sorry for me and love me anyways. Maybe this is all just a sick game I am playing on myself to punish myself for being a failure. After all anything wrong with me has to be my fault, my choice.

So I come to PC and get some validation for being 'sick'. It that why I am here? Does that mean I allow myself to adopt a sickness as a way to find people to fill the void real people don't or won't fill?

I am confused as always. Opps sounds like a pity party in the making here. Around and round we go and where we stops only I know. I choose the behaviour I choose the consequences. Its all in my hands. Back to square one again. I am not sick I am just sick of this or that or the other thing and its easier to blame something besides me. If I just did this that or the other thing to improve my situation things would get better. And yes that works to some extent and yes it makes the days go by with less pain and suffering. And yes sometimes there are enough successes born from the effort of 'doing the work' that I even think I could find my way off this merry-go-round. Then I wake up and all he11 has broken loose and I can't think straight for the life of me. So kick in the self care into over drive. Do the work. Do the work. Do the work. Make the right choices.

Sorry for the rant..... well sort of.... NOT! I think I get the intention of the OP with this question and I don't disagree with the premise because yes, it can sometimes feel better to just give up the fight and decide I am too sick to get better so I don't even care. In fact, let me be sick and let me die so I don't have to do the damb work all the time. I am tired of it after a lifetime of ups and downs and all arounds. Some days I cope, somedays I have hope and some days I don't even remember breathing. Do I want to get better? Sure but do I have the will to work it to death ever minute of every hour to feel better for a mystery amount of time? Not so sure.

Today is one of those bad days that came from no where and has paralyzed me from doing the work. I will make my way through the day and hope for a better tomorrow.

Sometimes recovery is about making the right choices and sometimes it is about surviving long enough to recover at all. On a good day I would embrace the question and feel empowered by the concept that I have control. A day like today.... not so sure. The only power I have today is to not give up completely.

regarding Psychcentral specifically, I'm not sure people come here with the intent of staying "ill". I think the majority of the posters come here seeking recognition that the road to recovery is hard.

And to realize it does not have to be a solitary journey.

We come here in a stages of recovery. Some are just starting, some are in the middle of the road, some are close to completion. Some are here to send up flares for help, while others come to leave guideposts along the way.

Undoubtedly there are those who are comfortable in their present state, and by that I mean where they are is all they have ever known.

It's hard to break out of that comfort zone - pathological and damaging as it may be, as for many the "world of well" brings about as much, if not more stress, than the "world of unwell".

I have a lot of experience in rescuing animals from some horrid situations. I've learned a lot from them about recovery from abuse.

One, for instance, was kept in a dark basement it's whole life. It hated (read - was petrified by) the light when introduced to it for the first time. It took years for this creature to accept this simple thing that so many take for granted.

Another large animal was kept in a tiny crate. When introduced to a large, comfortable enclosure the animal stopped eating. It was only when the tiny crate was re-introduced into the enclosure that his health improved. He had to spend time in his crate, then gradually move and accept the improved, but completely unfamiliar surroundings.

Some animals take to their new and better life like ducks to water; while others require accommodation and adjustment.

It's hard from the outside looking in to understand why in the world anything would chose to stay in the dark, or chose to stay confined.

What one has to do is look, not from the outside in, but from the inside out for understanding.

Now obviously humans aren't animals, but one cannot underestimate the power of instinct and fear when considering human behaviour.

It's not for us to judge when or how someone will step out into the light or out of the box.

((((Lovely Little*Rhino))))), this post really made me think. Its all about letting the past go and making yourself better instead of being stuck, very hard to do...

Ah, but isn't this the point of certain types of therapy....to give that validation, recognition, and nourishment that has been missing?

No, we can't go back and redo the past. But good therapy can and does meet many of those needs, and gives us the strength, ability and desire to move forward.

There is nothing wrong with validation, recognition, emotional nourishment, or attention. I am grateful that my T gives me those things without judgement, so that I am able to "grow up" emotionally and finally feel able to spread my wings....

Wow! That was a very long post...but thank you for sharing...(pondering)