[Typo]

I was talking the other day with my best friend, she was home for the night gathering artwork for her painting class and we were talking about what I like to call "constants" as in things that never change, or the firm belief and trust in things.

I don't have it, I can't believe in it, the only constant I believe in is my best friend. I am always pariond and plagued with thoughts and sneaky doubts that people are going to abandon me, abuse me, hurt me, etc. etc.

I don't know how to make it stop, it's like this never ending pariona, I'm always looking behind my shoulder, always waiting for the worst of everything, even when looking to the future I expect some disaster, or the worst outcome imaginable (and if you have my imagination things can get a bit gruesome) , it's like I just can't believe that good things do happen, and that they can happen to me

It's like this defense mechanism "If I don't let myself get happy, if I don't let myself get excited over this, then I can't be disappointed and hurt when it goes wrong because I was expecting it the whole time""

I don't want to live my life like that, it's very draining, this constant throwing up of walls, and always expecting the worst, always planning for an attack, looking for an exit route, always on guard and alert...I want to look foreword to things, I want to trust, and be able to interact with people without the whispering pariona and suspicions playing in the background of my mind.

I would like to be able to not in my mind play out the "worst case scenario" and how I would deal with that, or escape from it, or sit down somewhere like a restaurant and feel the need to make note of all the exit signs and escape exits. I"m always, almost always on high alert, I want it to stop, I want my life back....

and after my "secrets, secrets, secrets" thread, and having torn down that wall of secrecy with one person, I"m feeling like maybe it's time to do a bit more "deconstruction" and I"m starting to see how negatively my "guard dog" mode affects my life, all my life has been about "I have to keep myself safe, if I can keep myself safe then I have survived another day" I wake up almost every morning with that mantra, and I take it to the extreme sometimes, anything that leaves me vulnerable, anything that puts me in the position of emotional pain I run, I run far far away from it, as I said to T the other day "I"m skiddish" , she said I'm MUCH better than I use to be, but I still see myself as this skiddish puppy dog cowering in the corner and I'll bolt if you get too close....

[steck]

Hi,
I hear you! I put up the caution sign, because that has how I have survived thus far.
I can appreciate you being tired of living your life this way, as I am too.
I have PTSD, along with other dx., and the hypervigilance and lack of trust are our defense mechanisms.
The more awareness we have around our issues, the more likely we will be able to learn different coping mechanisms, and develop more of a sense of trust in ourselves first, that we are stronger than we think, and we don't have to snarl at the whole wide world in order to be present in it and comfortable in it.
Try to take some risks in relationships. Share more of your real self and you may find that others are really safe--you just have to take the first step and risk. I am slowly making progress with my trust issues in my life, it is hard work but worth it! I'll be praying that you break your leash and stop your growling. You have it in you to do so, and to be feeling safe within and without yourself. steck

[loveregardless]

((( Typo )))

For me, understanding that this "guard dog" thinking is there to do just that, protect you, but isn't YOU, has been the most important realization. You can recognize those feelings, and imo, understanding "the worst that can happen" and coming to terms with how you would feel/deal with it, if it did, can actually be helpful, because then you can accept that "biggest fear", allow yourself to play it through, and then try to let it go. Many times, it's deconstructing the "biggest fear" that makes things a little easier for me. The worst possible outcome usually isn't as terrible as it is before we give it form in our mind. When it's just blanket fear with no definition, imo, it's much worse.

I understand not wanting to be let down, disappointed, or hurt, because it IS hard to trust people. Just like it's hard to trust a wild animal. BUT... what I've come to I understand is that people do not mean to be so broken. Even the "worst of the worst", the most "villainous" human beings on this planet, are just shattered, scared, confused, and in many cases, so much worse off than we are.

That being said, anxiety sucks. I don't honestly know how to make it stop when I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack over something that rationally seems so trivial.

So what if the girl who came to visit me yesterday was bored? So what if she never wants to hang out again? Am I going to be alright? Of course I am. Is my family going to suffer in any way? No. Is the world going to end? Of course it isn't. And what if it does? What if the whole friggin world ends because of it? Well... then the world ends? Oh well. I KNOW this, but how do I tell my nervous system that??

I think you're doing darn good job Typo. Life is all about building walls and breaking them down. Fight vs. Flight. At the end of the day, we are still animals who have to deal with the depth of our emotions and intelligence ON TOP of our biological and instinctual experience. The reason that Momma bear knows to keep her babies safe from predators is because she has those necessary instincts. Her vigilance and anxiety is what keeps her species ALIVE. And in many cases, so does our own.

But she also has the ability to trust, just the same as we have the ability to trust other people. After they have EARNED that trust. It takes time. It's ok if our first reaction is defense. It's how we move past that tightness in our chest, that shortness of breathe, and that desire to growl that makes us who we are.

There is a new song that my husband has been playing non-stop lately that has this one line in it that I just love :

"This world is hopeless, but I love it anyway. That's why their giving out the good love for free."
- Mellow Mood by. Slightly Stoopid

For many years, my theory of life was if I sat on the floor, I could not fall down. Of course, I did not get anywhere either. Even so, I kept a tight grip on the status quo despite how much I detested my existence because I knew I could handle the misery. I did not know if I could accommodate the reality of a life I on occasion envisioned.

When I at last understand how ridiculous I was being, I made an effort to take a chance on living. The process of undoing the mindset I had created was very difficult, having been inculcated into my very being. Little by little I ventured outside of my (dis)comfort zone. I am happier now.

I am so happy for you, Typo. Taking risks may be scary, but the rewards are great too.

Good luck.

[1flagwriter]

Typo,

Maybe you should print your original thread above and take it to a/your therapist! Did well explaining your inner thoughts. But unfortunately, only a professional can help you...Just remember, we are always here for you and to listen!

[Typo]

Thank you all for your kind responses,

I am consdiering taking this thread to T, and I've been reflecting on this the past few days, and how good it felt to tear down that wall with my best friend.

I've let my hyperviglince and pariona control me my whole life, I've let it destroy my relationship almost, and I've let it keep me away from people that care very much about me.

It's in this past year and a half I've been slowly learning to trust, to let that scared little girl and her guard dog step down and be set free, for years I let the truama I endured as a child keep me from bonding with my parents (there are seperate issues there, but that is another story all together) I've let PTSD control me a lot of my life, how long I've had it is unclear, I wasn't "offically" diagnoised with it till I was 15 after a traumatic car accident, but sometimes I wonder if I've lived with it my whole life...

I get angry sometimes, at myself, at what happend to me as a child, and that anger grows and consumes me, I fall into guard dog mode, to waiting for the world to end, a lot of my life has been focused on the negatives, or putting myself down...

I don't want to live like that, and I won't, it's hard, it's big and scarey, my mind is trained to believe I will be hurt, and yes there will be hurt in my life, but I wil grow with it, learn from it, it won't be the end of my world unless I allow it to be.

I am so greatful for PC, I feel it has been a huge tool in my learning, in my growing, from the support, to the people, to the amazing friends I have made here.

Slowly but surely I am finding my wings, a little more each day, and who knows maybe I'll learn to try and fly sometimes soon..and see that big open sky as blue and clear instead of full of storm clouds.. it's already looking a bit sunnier

Good luck, Typo.

[Junerain]

Your 'guard dog' sounds like cognitive distortions, which are very unhealthy, I know, I have them too...I am striving to understand them better, and how they limit who I can truly BE

As they limit who YOU can truly be!!!

Perhaps if you see them spelled out and are able to recoginze them, you can recognize what to get rid of, in order to move on with your precious life

Here are the top ten cognitive distortions:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=108173