[sanityseeker]

Looks like I didn't get the job. Disappointed and relieved all at the same time. I think more disappointed though. Fed by those ugly feelings of being a failure. I just don't seem to have what it takes anymore, says my self pity talk. The old me never failed to get a job when she went after it. Not once did I not win a competition for a job until my issues brought me to my knees a half dozen years or so ago. Plus I just don't like to loose or for someone else to beat me. But that's not very rational or useful to think that way.

Rather I suppose I shall believe that it wasn't meant for me. That something else awaits me. Something better for me. I still have lots to give and something will open up. I just need it to open up soon because living on credit can only go on for so long before it just gets me deep in trouble.

I have applied for a couple of other jobs but I have a feeling they will follow the same path. I may need to put my entrepreneurial cap back on and see what I can do for myself.

I am not defeated yet. I really am relieved the wait is over. I am now just hanging on the belief that somehow a path will show itself. I will keep my head up so I can see it when it appears.

Thank you to all who have put up with me and encouraged me this past week or so. I know I can be a real drain with my flip flopping from hopeful to hopeless. I appreciate you hanging with me through it all.

[notz]

((((((((((sanity seeker)))))))))))))))

[ECHOES]

It is a much tougher job market these days. Competition can be fierce.
I am sorry the phone didn't ring
But I am still impressed by your courage and assertiveness in going for it. You gained recent interview experience and explored many feelings about how applying, interviewing, and waiting feel for you.
Give yourself much credit for your efforts!

[perpetuallysad]

I'm proud of you for trying as well. You have so much courage. And right now jobs are scarce and competition is fierce! I know in my area, jobs you ordinarily seen teens taking (fast food jobs and the like) are filled by adults who have no other choices. It is a very frustration inducing situation, I think its wonderful that you are able to maintain such a positive attitude.

Love yourself, my friend.

[sanityseeker]

Thanks again every. Had some tough times yesterday and this morning keeping myself from obsessing over thinking I made a fool of myself at the interview. Temptation to self harm are very strong but so far I have resisted. What with not even being able to remember my former bosses name. Who does that? and... geesh. Enough already. Not going to rant about all those thoughts. Time to move on and let my pride and self criticism go. I am not who I was and as much as I miss her like Byz said I need to love myself for who I am today.

Thanks again everyone for the support and positive words. I appreciate it more than you can know. I have someone coming over to possibly lay claim on a kitten from the new litter of cuties that popped out of mamma cat almost 2 weeks ago. The sun is getting ready to show itself over the cliff and soon the garden will be calling my name. I'll retreat to it when the house chores are done. Keeping busy is a good thing.

[lynn P.]

((((Sanityseeker)))) - sorry you didn't get the job, but I'm wondering if it's too premature to some to this conclusion - trying to think optimistically. I agree with the others - stick with the feeling you had, after you did the interview. Just because you didn't get the job, doesn't reflect badly on you. Don't take it personal - I think you did great and stick with that. It a tough job market out there and even super educated people are struggling. Be kind to yourself friend.

[sanityseeker]

I hear you Lynn but I can't help but wonder if I wasn't/aren't being unrealistic to think I can take on a management job like I used to have given my apparent and real deficiencies. I think I need to be real about my declining skill sets. I don't mean in a negative way so much, though it is painful to consider but in a practical sense maybe I don't have the right skills anymore. I mean it is real that I don't think as clearly as I used to. I can fade in and out and loose my train of thought. I don't have the energy or stamina anymore. Lots of skills and capacities that were once my strengths aren't so obvious anymore. I know my years of management experience are invaluable on one level. I know as much about managing and developing an organization as anyone and in an advisory role I can still be valuable. Clients still call for free advise about how to deal with one situation or another. How to advance this project or this idea or another. How to rally support and how to present a new initiative. It is all like second nature to me to problemsolve or strategize a given situtaion. Just not sure I can prove myself to anyone new or maintain that value on a day to day basis as an employee again. I don't know what is a realistic acknowledgement of limitations and what is just plain self doubt. My friends and family want me to try to get a small job. One that won't be so demanding and so stressful. One that is just a pay cheque and won't require me to invest too much of myself into. I cringe at the thought of just ticking off the hours somewhere doing some mundane thing. Yet I understand their logic. I can promise myself I won't over invest but I have never kept that promise in the past. I always over invested and almost always burned out. Perhaps avoiding jobs that I am familiar with is the only way I can avoid another job burnout. I just don't know.

I told my son yesterday that I think I will apply at the local donut coffee shop. He laughed at me. I told him to quit being a snob. He reminded me of all the lectures I would give him about where he would end up if he didn't get an education. "You see that drive through... that's where you will be if you don't graduate."

I told him well now I am older and that's where people who semi-retire end up too. I have done my stint in the high pressure jobs and they made me sick. Unfortunately I also lost my retirement pension. This isn't how I had planned for it to be. I was suppose to be sitting pretty by the time I was old enough to retire. But it didn't work out that way and I need an income. We are not poor but we are broke. I need a job. Any job right now will do. Don't be a snob. I said I was having enough trouble of my own not being a snob about working at a donut job. What if people from the college saw me. blah blah blah.

The really crazy thing is though. I don't think I can secure a job at the donut shop. I have nothing on my resume to suggest I know how to serve coffee or handle a cash register or stand for 8 hours at a time dealing with customer. Oh good!! My son has told me some of his horror stories when he worked a fast food joint. That is a whole other kind of workplace stress that I can't imagine coping with.

Round and round I go wonder what the heck I am to do. I go into my sewing room and try to think about what can I sew to sell and laugh about how many shirts I would need to make and how much time it would take to get enough money to buy the groceries we need for the week. Let alone pay the mortgage. I think about workshops I could market but it will take time I don't have to make happen.

After overthinking and going round in circles I just can't take thinking about any of it anymore and retreat to the garden and hope that something will land at my feet. I know that's just as delusional as anything else but its easier than trying to rack my brain for solutions I don't have. I didn't even get called in on the other 2 jobs I applied for so back to square one. Only difference is before I thought I didn't have a job because I didn't want one. Now I know I don't have a job because I can't get one. Ouch.

[lynn P.]

This might be a silly idea - but since you love gardening - could you find a job related to that. I know this is below your capabilities but at least you would be doing something you enjoy.

[lonegael]

((((((sanity seeker))))))

[sanityseeker]

I have thought of that too Lynn but I live in a really small community and there aren't any jobs at the 2 family owned seasonal nurseries other than those that are pretty hard labour jobs. My back is not up to that kind of work anymore.

I thought about marketing myself as a private gardener but I was talking with one guy in town who does that with his wife and they don't get enough jobs to do it full time. I also spoke to some people at the garden club and they didn't think there would be many takers either. I actually see people advertising themselves on bulletin boards around town too and I don't often see the phone numbers torn off. I thought about selling plants from my yard but usually I give those away to local schools and charities when they are doing fundraisers and if people pay they want a gaurentee and yada yada yada.

I appreciate the thought. It would be a good one if I lived in a larger community where those jobs might exist. I can only afford to commute to the larger town 40 minutes away if the pay is sufficient to cover the high cost of travel these days. My vehicle is old and has become a bit of a gas guzzler with age so it becomes a factor. The job I interviewed for would have afforded me the opportunity to buy a newer car. A lower income wouldn't.

I was watching a tv show about a woman who started blogging about gardening and eventually wrote some books about gardening and she now even takes people on tours around the world to visit gardens. That sounds like a great career. Combines my love of gardening with my love of travel.

Maybe I should sell my house and live off the money while I build a business or write a book. Not sure that is a risk anyone would support but it sure appeals to me about now. If I can hang on somehow for another couple of years while my son finishes school and is ready to move out on his own or follows up with his plans to join the military (eeks) that is honestly what I am thinking about doing. Something really radical.

Trust me to reach for the stars.

[Belle1979]

Sanity Seeker

The right job is just waiting for you this just wasn't it

Warm hugs xxx

[sanityseeker]

I will keep all the positive thoughts and helpful encourage close to me as I move forward. Thanks everyone.

I'm also sorry you didn't get the job. But think how much more disappointed you would be in yourself if you hadn't tried. Without discouragement or hesitation you immediately are putting in for additional jobs, that's great. Overall this was a postive experience and is moving you forward. Good Luck!