[Shangrala]

51 years, (ok, almost 52, but who's counting...lol)..

It hits me....I'm fundamentally inapt.
Wtf is really going on with me?
I feel like a scared little girl. Frustrated...confused as all hell for not managing the maintenance of my priorities.
I go through the motions of having the ability to keep on track.
I know of morals and values and have my own I strongly live by.
I have priorities I'm well aware of, but my struggle is...maintaining my focus of their categories...the hierarchy of importance.

This leaves me feeling so very fundamentally challenged. Why don't I know how? How can I even conduct myself as a capable adult, yet slam face first on this one dead end....every...single...time?

It's like a cycle with me....focused and working for what matters most....but then...somehow, at some point..it fizzles out (without my realizing it), to the point that it's gone completely unattended, replaced with something of such lesser significance, (until it's brought back to my attention by another, of course).

The more often this happens...or, I should say, the more often it's brought to my attention that I'm doing this, (losing sight of my priorities), the more dumb I feel and the more I can't help but to question what is REALLY wrong with me.

I'm almost a damn senior, for heavens sake..yet, if I close my eyes, I can envision this scared little girl, curled up in the corner....hiding from those laughing at her for her inabilities.

I don't understand why I can't understand why I can't remain focused on what's most important to me. I KNOW what that is. I KNOW who it is. I CAN place it all in it's proper place...but then....I struggle (and inevitably fail) to keep them there.
Time after time, after time, after time.
And I'm losing my most prized priority in this mass of inaptness of mine.

I just don't get the understanding. And from the way my conduct repeats itself, it looks as though I never will get my priority, either.
Sigh.

Shangrala

[lynn P.]

(((Shangrala))) - I just want you to know I read your post and I'm sorry you're struggling with priorities. I don't have any real solutions but I was wondering if your connection to Christian could be why you feel stuck? You don't have to answer if you're not comfortable. I hope you feel better and I'll pray for you to have clarity.

Maybe it is time to seek professional help?

((((((((shangrala))))))))

maybe whatever the priority is that you so want to focus on is a struggle because it's not something that comes naturally or easily. that sounds obvious but let me explain. i'm sure there are many things that are important to you that you have no problem focusing on and following through with. you probably had some healthy modeling and support in those areas though. this priority, the one you struggle with, you probably didn't have healthy modeling or support for thruout your life. so, it is something that is a constant battle for you. it sounds like you are pretty hard on yourself, but there is a reason why we feel like a scared little child at times. there were things that happened in life that scared her. she hasn't recovered yet. have you ever thought of doing something like adult children of alcoholics? i went for a number of years and i'm not from an alcoholic family. it really helped me to understand that my problems weren't just about me but a whole family system. i have a tendency to blame myself for everything and it really helped me to realize it's not all my fault. it's not all your fault shangrala.

[Shangrala]

Originally Posted by bloom3

((((((((shangrala))))))))

maybe whatever the priority is that you so want to focus on is a struggle because it's not something that comes naturally or easily. that sounds obvious but let me explain. i'm sure there are many things that are important to you that you have no problem focusing on and following through with. you probably had some healthy modeling and support in those areas though. this priority, the one you struggle with, you probably didn't have healthy modeling or support for thruout your life. so, it is something that is a constant battle for you. it sounds like you are pretty hard on yourself, but there is a reason why we feel like a scared little child at times. there were things that happened in life that scared her. she hasn't recovered yet. have you ever thought of doing something like adult children of alcoholics? i went for a number of years and i'm not from an alcoholic family. it really helped me to understand that my problems weren't just about me but a whole family system. i have a tendency to blame myself for everything and it really helped me to realize it's not all my fault. it's not all your fault shangrala.

WOW.
Boy, did most of this hit home..(made me cry)..how accurate most of what you've said is.
Yeah..I'm very hard on myself...alot..and I usually do take the blame for the wrong that happens, even when it's not mine to claim, (I somehow find a way to weave my sense of...responsibility into it, thus seemingly ensuring a sense of failing....when it's not even mine....gawd...how...ugh).
Thing I find myself doing tho, is...when a given situation is upon me where it doesn't turn out favorably, I initially deny it as "mine", in fact fight the fact, but later I do seem to allow it to seep into me....resulting in it somehow belonging to me. I'm not even aware that I do this until after the fact.

You mention "healthy modeling & support". Hmm. I didn't have the best of guidance regarding consistency, maybe. Although my parents did the best they could, (and I understand all that), maybe they were just spread too thin between all us kids (10 of us), and individual needs weren't exactly met.
Mom was the disciplinarian. Her methods were stern, but...not really consistent to our individual needs. They were more along the line of community rules, applied to us all in a general manner. When one of us were in need of "extra" attention or specific guidance, we were told "not to...because they said so", and that was that.
I refrain from casting "blame" on my upbringing, (after all, I'm an adult and I should be able to get over "it"), but I have to admit, that I can't help but to wonder if my inaptness is a cause of that.
The reason I say that I find myself wondering, is because even though my parents attended to all of us kids as a single unit, (same rules applied to all), for some reason, mom picked me out of the bunch and used me and my failings as an example to the rest. Meaning, she picked me apart ....alot...and offered my shortcomings to my siblings as what NOT to do. This made me feel horribly stupid and extremely.....not quite right. I felt singled out as the black sheep of the family...which didn't really end all that favorably, (I ended up leaving home at 15...just couldn't take it anymore, really).

I learned the basics of morals and values from my upbringing. I've developed my own sense of values and principles, as well, through my shortcomings and (thousands) of mistakes made. the "simple" things (routines), I have no problem with maintaining...it's the long-term that I fall short of ever obtaining, or, so it seems, anyway.
This one priority I speak of. It is of great importance to me. In fact, it's become the only thing that I find myself having invested my heart into...(I've never felt such...a longing for anything as much as I want this). Despite that, though, I STILL find myself eventually distracted from it..until it's brought back to my attention.
Its as though....I'm this lil child..seeing what I desire most in front of me, yet....easily distracted by something else of such little importance, immediately diverting me from my initial direction...(though eventually realizing that I had allowed myself to stray, again), and then desperately seeking my way back to my original goal.
Sigh...I think that's what it is, anyway.

All I want is this one thing....which, for most wouldn't be such a huge deal to obtain, (I don't think), yet...

Adult children of alcoholics? It was never a consideration as I never knew there was a possible outlet for me to that. I have, however, considered seeking some kind of counselling...though not certain what to look for.

(I agree, Byz....Time to seek some kind of help).

Thanks for replies...

Shangrala

oh, i didn't mean to make you cry. even though it sounds as if we've had different life experiences i've always related to your posts and your personality that comes through. i wouldn't be surprised if we have similar temperaments so i thought you probably responded to things similarly. be gentle with yourself shangrala.

[Shangrala]

Originally Posted by bloom3

oh, i didn't mean to make you cry. even though it sounds as if we've had different life experiences i've always related to your posts and your personality that comes through. i wouldn't be surprised if we have similar temperaments so i thought you probably responded to things similarly. be gentle with yourself shangrala.

No worries, bloom. Crying is good therapy. It's just what you said did hit home some..sorta tugged on a few realities that I tend to try to ignore, is all.

All's good....
Thank you for your kindness...

Shangrala

We have the will to battle on, and we shall.

Have a wonderful day.

[VickiesPath]

Mary,
I met my child self. I took her in my arms and cradled her and rocked her and told her no one would ever hurt her and no one would ever throw her away and I would always take care of her and she could stay with me forever. I met her during a guided imagery session while listening to some tapes by a noted psychologist. She was so frighted, feeling abandoned, alone, shaking, wanting love that she had never received and parenting she had never known. So I became her parent. I re-parented myself. I learned to love that little girl and take care of her. Up until that time, I didn't know what anyone meant when they said, "Goodbye now, take care of yourself!" After that experience, suddenly, I knew! Instinctively, I knew it was that little girl I was supposed to care for. She was the root cause of all the pain and anger and fear I was still experiencing as an adult.

After that experience, (I was 38), I decided it might possibly be an OK thing to have a real child of my own. Before that, I saw no value in children. So, when I was 41, I became a mom. It was the happiest day of my life. He still is my greatest joy.

How are you doing, Shangrala?

[Naturefreak]

I still think the world of you no matter how you feel.
Take care of you Mama Kanga

[Perna]

We are more than just our minds (which is where mental focus and priorities comes from). Our bodies and "spirits" and many other "parts" have priorities that may be/are different from what we think/"decide" are our priorities. We're not "in charge" :-)

Life is what it is. One works toward goals but not every single minute. I was working hard on a forum last year and ended up on Facebook all summer, playing games. In the Fall, I decided it was not a good use of my time and I went back to the previous forum, working there. Our priorities change and that's okay! Nothing is wasted! It's ALL our Life and there's no knowing what is going to happen in the future, not 10 minutes from now, much less 10 days, months, or years!

Yes, what we do now can influence what happens then but none of that is "control". I matriculated in college in 1968 as a history major and got my history degree in 2007 :-) That's okay! That's my Life. I cannot "control" myself or my experiences because I cannot know the future. All I can do is what I think appropriate right now, this moment. Right now this moment, I am writing this post to you, Shangrala. "Should" I be doing something else? I can't answer that because I'm not doing something else.

We're never doing "nothing" and even when we sleep we are resting our minds and bodies and dreaming dreams that might be of help or comfort to us, etc. It's an adventure, stay present wherever you are and you'll probably get to where you "should" get to.

[Shangrala]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

How are you doing, Shangrala?

How am I doing?...Hmmm...I think I'll elaborate on that when the house is clear and I can focus on that answer, (don't like to show sorrow around here..I get asked too many questions that I don't wan't to include him in with the answers).

As for now, all's good, though, (even if it really isn't).
Thanks, Byz, for asking...

Shangrala

[Shangrala]

Originally Posted by Babysteps

I still think the world of you no matter how you feel.
Take care of you Mama Kanga

Thankies, Chris...
Joo the bomb...
(Gawd, what made me say that is beyond me....roflmao...Sooo not me. Just felt right,tho).

Huggles...