I am doing okay

Oh.... I should mention. We have a really long gardening season. Spring bulbs will start coming up in March and last harvest can happen into November. On the coast you can see bedding plants.... pansies, primroses, geraniums etc.... surviving in city planters all year round. Paradise. lol.

Link to the pics of the garden in late April that I posted on my profile here. http://forums.psychcentral.com/album.php?albumid=840

I've noticed that when I play any game with an element of chance in it, I soon start taking it personally. If I make the right moves or guess the right answer I feel clever; if I happen to look in all the wrong places first, I feel dumb. Chess (which I seldom play) is supposed to be all skill and logic but I may find myself with an easy opponent or a tough one and feel "lucky" or "unlucky" accordingly. Sudoku is the same way but when I play it online, individual puzzles can be easier or harder than the "level" they're rated at. If I happen to hit several easy ones in a row, I must be having a good day; several hard ones, and I must be doing something wrong. I'm sure playing something for money would make me a lot crazier about that.

When I was playing chess competitively in high school, I once found myself facing a kid from another school who started out by insulting me. Then, not very far into our game, he proceeded to make a truly egregious mistake which I managed to take good advantage of (and win easily). To me this seemed like poetic justice, "the way it should be," and I was always disappointed afterwards when something else would refuse to work like that.

I'm glad to see you're already a member of the Gardening Club social group. I was about to invite you over.

Hi Fool Zero.... thanks for thinking of me for the Garden Group. I noticed you there when I went over to see what was happening. I had forgotten about it until Theo got me thinking about sharing garden pics.

I can relate to some of what you are saying about taking game play personally. I never could figure out how to play Chess but I hooked onto Suduko about a year ago. I know exactly what you mean about measuring my cleverness depending on how easily I do the puzzles.

Now that you mention it the gambling on the slots did get kind of personal. Each time they would hook me I would be thinking all the time that I must not be lucky today if I was loosing. Or I didn't have the right 'touch'. Then if I started to win I would think I was lucky or if I just pushed the button a certain way.... and then I just needed to keep playing to see if my luck or magic tough would hold. If I wasn't lucky I would think myself undeserving or wonder what I did wrong that day to deserve such bad luck. Yes... you are right... very personal.

Gee I never really thought about how that kind of thinking was going on until you mentioned it. I just remember saying to myself.... please please I need to win. I need the money. Come on... help me out here. I remember too judging myself against those I saw win. I would wonder what they had that I didn't that let them win and made me lose. Once I had let myself gamble away next month's mortgage payment and then some man or man did I beat myself up big time. I felt so stupid and manipulated by my own greed until it was desperation to somehow redeem myself. Sadly it didn't stop me. I seemed to need to keep putting money in to try to redeem myself. To prove myself worthy too somehow I guess. By this time I just needed to get my money back and save face somehow.

Of course it didn't happen. I just sunk more and more until I felt so humiliated I could barely stand myself. I avoided looking in a mirror most of the trip. Everytime I saw my reflection it made me cry. The self loathing really got carried away. I felt so dirty and ugly. It was horrible how it impacted me.

Sadly I was not alone in the group. Several got caught in the same trap of playing themselves into a really deep hole. Not a good thing. I feel bad for them. It really put a damper on the good work we did in the meetings.

For years I avoided casinos even though my ex was a regular visitor (and winner) and he would always ask me to come along but I would always decline. My first time ever at a casino with him I dropped a couple of hundred dollars in a matter of minutes and that was enough to keep me away after that. I was just lucky I didn't loose more that night because when I went to the debete machine to take out more money for some reason it said I had reached my daily withdrawal limit even though I had only withdrawn the 200 all day. It was the only luck I had that night. lol.

Somehow all that resolve to stay away from casinos went out the window in Vegas. Never again. Hope I stick to that declaration this time. If a client every suggests a casino resort for a working retreat I hope I have better luck changing thier mind next time.

Thanks again for your support and encouragement when I was having a rough time coping those couple of days down there. It helped.

(((((Saintyseeker)))))--garden is beautiful---yes, I ought to get over to the gardening forum...just, right now, out here, it's sort of depressing.

I sooo miss my old seed catalogues which came in January. No point in them here.

I'll be on my way, prayerfully, soon to greener places...

Gambling--ugh--it's like a hangover--I know how you feel. I have to cash my checks at the Casinos, on the way out I put 3 dollars in Megabucks--lose---
and, these days walk out.

I have to force myself to realize that I won't win...but I can take the off-chance.

Fool Zero--in 6th grade, our teacher was out for the whole term.

So we all brought our chess boards into school, and played all day---I think I learned more from that than I would have doing the regular cirriculum..love Chess...

Helps with the thinking process--- thanks all!

Thanks Theo. It was a great day in the garden today. Cut the grass and cleaned up all the cedar tree needles off the back patio area. Hoping for some rain tonight because everything is looking a little thirsty. Had to spot water a few that looked particularly needy.

I just watched 60 Minutes and Andy Rooney was talking about Vegas and gambling. Too funny the timing. Here's a link..... http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?...ain;contentAux

oh.... gotta go.... Survivor is starting. Hope Russell wins but I think it will be Sandra.

Later....

Glad you had a great day.

Thanks Byz... nice to be reminded of a good day. Monday hit and the reality of my fianancial crisis slapped me in the face and the last two days have been really hard. I wrapped up the report from the meeting and made some calls to clients hoping someone would have some work for me. No luck. Searched for jobs. Nothing. The strain is exhausting. I have no idea how to get myself out of this fix. I end up needing to lay down before I fall down. I escape here posting and reading but the minute I stop I am overwhelmed with my own reality again.

Been raining here all day. Garden will be happy. Sun trying to break through now so will go escape into it for a while. What else can I do. Just wonder how long bfore they coe for my house. Life was not suppose to go this way for me. I am so ashamed and so scared.

(((((((sanityseeker))))))---I hold you in my prayers.

We all make mistakes; you are not alone in that. You have learned much.

Envision your rock formations and your flowers--breathe, and be mindful in your meditations...it will work out, believe it will work out.
And, it will--------------------------wishing all good things coming your way--theo