Reading about Roger Ebert and...fear of pain and death

This is gonna be a rambling post, as I'm not having a good day.

It's late at night here and I was just looking up a movie review by Roger Ebert and ended up on the Wiki page and later a news page. It made me so anxious I decided to share it with you guys.

He looks scary now! He has lost weight and all the surgeries for his thyroid cancer have really messed him up bad.

I quote: "During his various surgeries, doctors carved bone, tissue and skin from his back, arm, and legs, and transplanted them in an attempt to reconstruct his jaw and throat, though these transplants would each be unsuccessful, and eventually removed. As a result of these procedures, his right shoulder is visibly smaller than his left, and his legs have been scarred and weakened."

Some years ago he lost the ability to speak and also can not eat or drink (he has a feeding tube). He has declined more surgery even if his cancer advances. Regarding his death, he says " I hope to be spared as much pain as possible on the approach path."

Reading that, I found myself feeling very helpless and scared in face of life's unpredictability and cruelties. I started reading about signs of thyroid cancer online, and then started to wonder what if my aging parents get that. We all die of something. I can control some things but not the rest. What if my own death is an extremely painful never-ending series of surgeries, rehabs, loneliness, and humiliation?

As I've said before I have a degree in psych, and I analyze my own fears when I have the presence of mind, so I suddenly realized that I am living what I fear the most, but in a much milder version though it also feels endless. I'll explain.

It's so strange how things like this happen. Today I was dealing with my mom who has borderline traits and I was feeling depleted enough as I get next to no support from the rest of my family. Sure they'll help me with a lot of things and I'm very thankful to them but in terms of emotional support it used to be my mom till I realized what state she was in so I have little emotional support now.

Hence, reading this thing about Ebert suddenly brought out all my fears, fear about unpredictability of life, about never-ending pain, death, afterlife, etc. What if I were in that situation? Hell, I won't even undergo chemo. I'll ask the doctors to pull the plug right away. I'm in my 30s and have already faced enough pain and I see no reason to prolong something like that if I'm in Ebert's shoes, in my 60s or 70s. My younger sister has schizophrenia and my dad is emotionally distant. Slowly, we have isolated ourselves from everybody and from each other...mental illness in the family does that sometimes. The shame, the anger, the fear...you don't want others around and others don't want to be around you.

Sometimes I feel like I have to be there for everybody and nobody is there for me. Of course perhaps that's how others in my family feel too but I'm the one who likes to share feelings and talk it out. I can't do that with my mom anymore and my dad, well, he was never interested.

Yeah I see a therapist once every two weeks but that's not enough. My family is so enmeshed, I used to obtain all I needed from them, also a reason to live. Now I have to find that elsewhere. Between the unpredictability of my mom and my sister going in and out of hospital, I think to myself there better be a Heaven after this life because this life sucks big time. Thank God I'm healthy. I am sensitive and have an anxious personality but other than that and a couple of minor physical ailments, I'm basically healthy. But imagine my mom getting cancer, and that's just gonna make her psychological issues worse. Or my sister, who already has some health problems because of the *******ed anti-psychotics. Or myself, if I get hospitalized? All these anxieties must be messing up my body little by little. Who's gonna visit me? Who's gonna care about me? And ultimately, what would my life mean? Would I and everybody I care about disappear? For some a life of joy and some pain, and for some a life of pain and bits of joy...and then nothingness?

Ebert does not seem to have problem with that: "I was perfectly content before I was born, and I think of death as the same state. "

But I can't look at it like that. I'll let the doctors know. Drug me up good and let me die into the night. This ****** life aint' worth it.

Thank you for listening...I may regret posting this tomorrow, thinking that as a psych grad I should know better and be in control of my emotions, but I have to learn to share, to give love, and to receive it.

I doubt that Roger Ebert knew how he would feel in advance of his cancer and at each point as it progressed. This is a place he has come to.
We can't know ahead of time what will happen, how we will feel about it, and what decisions we will make about it.
A round of chemo to live another 30 years? Sure, I'll take it.
A surgery that might work, might not (actually no surgery is guranteed) so that I can move on? Sure.

We keep reinventing ourselves as we move through life. Who we are at 50 is not who we were at 18. With age and experiences behind us, have different priorities, different values, different definitions of joy, and what makes life meaningful. We are complex at any stage of life.

Death is certainly the biggest unknown in our lives. There are many scenarios: sudden, lingering illness, short illness. I don't think we can know what it will be like until we are there. So, besides setting up Advance Directives and other arrangements, it is something we can't figure out ahead of time. What a relief.

Something to think about: http://www.americanthinker.com/print..._in_ameri.html

I've always said that I wasn't afraid of dying, but that I was afraid of the way I may die. I want my death to be sudden, no lingering, no worrying my kids or husband. I've come to realize that I can't always control life and that I may come up against illnesses or cancers that will take me down. So how do I prepare myself for the inevitable? I speak to my two sons and let them know the things that I would prefer to be done. I don't know if it's just me but I don't want to be a burden and I don't want them filled with regrets after I pass. I had a rough time with my mother before she died because of her mental illness and it wreaks havoc on everyone involved. I'm not sure how long it will take me to get rid of the guilt but I do know that I don't want to put my children through this. I know that it's a possibility that my mental illness will become full blown as I age and start losing some of the stability that I have been able to secure for myself. I have asked my sons to let me remain in my home as long as possible and given them permission to hire someone to help me if they feel I shouldn't be alone. I've also told them to put me in a nursing home if things get out of control. I read the article that TheByzantine linked us to and it's true that we in America don't honor our elderly as we should. But how to change that? In time, for us? Sometimes I agree with you, infpman, on the rotten life, just let me go. But most times, I'm not ready to give up. I still see the beauty and grace in this world; I still love the dirt on my farm; I still know that I'm not done yet. Know that you are not alone in how you feel and know that the fleeting moments of peace are worth living for. Keep the faith, infpman.

I'm getting up on 60 years old and people being ill/dying in their 60's is beginning to affect me. One of my interests is genealogy and I've been looking at age and cause of death of my ancestors and looking at their lives, interests, problems, etc.

I'm kind of going the opposite direction, looking for ways to improve my health and life so I'll feel better and live longer as a result of my fears. I'm obese and don't exercise enough so I'm working on that now, it's a priority. I go to the doctor quarterly for checkups (have a couple chronic illnesses) and am deliberately focusing on positive things I can do to to improve my quality of life now and in the future.

I've often thought that I want to die the way my Dad died. He'd just come home from a vacation in the Bahama's, stopped in Toronto on his way home to see me, and we had a nice short visit. He ate a good dinner and then said he was feeling a bit week so he went to bed early. Got up to get a drink of water and keeled over dead instantly from a massive coronary. Of course that was hard on my step Mom. But that's what I'd like, good last few days, now warning, then boom, no lingering suffering.

Of course I have no idea of what's in store for me. I've really never paid any attention to my health, being alcoholic for years, one tends not to, but now I'm in my 40's, I'm overweight and have high cholesterol, so I've decided to start exercising and change my diet, to get healthier, even though it won't be any fun.

I think it's important to have a living will / advance directive - so that if I ever do wind up in hospital, the Dr's will know that I don't want my life prolonged by machines. Just dope me up with pain killers and let me die naturally.

--spliitmage

infpman, I hear in your post a desire to have a different life than you do today. To have people that you love and that love you. I hope you can maintain hope and pursue this with all of your energy! You are worth it.

Being a psych grad doesn't mean you should not share your thoughts with others or express your feelings. As a psych grad you will know how important these things are.

I wish you well on your journey to attain these very worthy goals. I'm glad you have a therapist to help you along the way.

I re-heard a song the other day 'everybody's free to wear sunscreen' and I find the lyrics inspiring. Just thought I would quote --

"Don't worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum."

Basically, your worrying about it now doesn't change anything. It's making you anxious right now but it's not changing the fact that you either will, or won't, someday develop an illness. If you can, distract yourself from those thoughts, they serve you no purpose and give you no joy.

I do understand your fear, though. I think about those things too but it is important to try not to and to enjoy now, right now.
x

Thank you guys for your posts, your wisdom and your sympathy. I am already feeling better.

I'm trying to stay in the day. Whilst I do tend to waste time trying to prevent my death by obsessively thinking about it, I forget to just take the day as it is, who knows I may make it to the end or the day or a big frozen fish may fall out of the sky and curtail my tomorrow

Hi, Ifnpman...I'm right there with you in your fears, and also your response to Roger Ebert. It's hard to watch him, knowing what a vital human being his has been and IS!
One thing I've thought of as I read your post is that you are young. I'm much older and am facing the prospect of being alone in my retirement years and the ensuing aging and infirmity. Yes, I have fears, from having witnessed both my parents with their lingering cancer and deaths. In dealing with this, I've come to the conclusion that dwelling on it while I am functional and relatively healthy, it is better to take each day as it comes... and be grateful for that good day. There are things I actually enjoy and look forward to doing, and I focus on those.

I'm very impressed by your educational background and your understanding of psychological issues. You are well ahead of the game in that respect, having insights into your own thoughts.

Patty

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