[little*rhino]

i feel like i am unraveling - but as scary as it feels, the trick is that i need to tell myself that all that is truly coming apart are the maladaptive and problematic mechanisms and perspectives that have created a velvet prison for me. It's familiar to the point of being almost comfortable, safe. But it does not give me the life i want and i find myself on my knees in sadness for what could have been if life had been different. i don't want the fake security and such anymore.

so in my determination to find the core parts of me that have been imprisoned elsewhere in this dungeon, i must endure this torturous psychological unnerving.

it sometimes feels as though i will vanish or go insane... but it is the pressure placed on my sense of how things are by the work i am doing in therapy.

i am looking very hard and straight-on at things that have both frightened and defined me my whole life. If i did not have my therapist i don't think that i could do this.

i've been fighting to hold onto the positives i had gained, but it's bugger-hard to do in the face of such powerful anxieties. My whole world is changing, inside and out... and right now, both feel like chaos.

tonight i took the time to draw for a while... and i'll read before bed. i let myself have some cookies as a treat and i spent time with my dogs.

life feels terrifying, but i remember how T has told me so many times that my feelings aren't always reflective of reality. There are real things i can put hope in now, so i need to figure out how to let go of worry and spend that energy on hope.

i am not religious.. but if i were i would pray to be the person my T has helped me catch glimpses of. i'd pray that the world really does work how he has related it, and not in the way i have always believed. i want to take up residence in the same reality that he lives in. i don't mean in his personal world, i mean in the world governed by the things he says are truths. i still feel as though life is on the other side of the aquarium glass from me... and i want so badly for what i see to be real and to step over into that better place.

[sanityseeker]

I know what you mean. I am fortunate enough to be in that place of light and hope for a time after too many months to count in the darkness.

You may not be religious but you prayed just the same and I am standing with you as you allow your T to guide to into the reality you crave. Hang in there. Your hopes can come true. Here's to residing in that better place.

The therapist that helped me the most would ask me periodically, "Do you believe you can get better?" I often would answer I do not have any empirical evidence to support such a belief. He would look at me like he was trying to find out if I was being obstreperous. Then he would say, "Wrong answer."

hmmmmm...

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by little*rhino

i am not religious.. but if i were i would pray to be the person my T has helped me catch glimpses of. i'd pray that the world really does work how he has related it, and not in the way i have always believed. i want to take up residence in the same reality that he lives in. i don't mean in his personal world, i mean in the world governed by the things he says are truths. i still feel as though life is on the other side of the aquarium glass from me... and i want so badly for what i see to be real and to step over into that better place.

Some of the world can be like that -- and you can make it so.

(((little*rhino)))

you are working so hard to make a good life for yourself. it takes time. it takes hard work. it takes diligence. it takes risk. it takes faith in yourself. it sounds like your paradigm is shifting. to me that always feels like chaos. it's difficult moving forward and it's difficult turning back, but hold on. you are smart. you are talented. you are capable. you can do this.

it's hard to change perspectives and beliefs that you've had all your life. it's hard to trust new things. you have a wonderful T that would not misguide you.

take a deep breath. break things down to manageable tasks. be patient with yourself. you will get used to this new place and many new places after this one. you are moving in the right direction.

i wish you peace.

little*rhino, you are gaining. Well done.

[little*rhino]

thanks guys... i am gaining, i guess. Life is not linear, so why should any progress i make be? Today i was stronger than yesterday, steadier... that's something.

i am just so shaken by trying to figure out specific things about myself. My fragile sense of self has been rattled and i find the needs and wants of others in the place where my own compass should be. Trying to do the simple self-examining exercises T gave me triggers intense anxiety and emotions that i don't know the labels for.

i'm trying to get back into handling even half of the mountain of daily obligations i was working on prior to surgery and it's just been so very difficult. A lot of pressure and hard times.

i listened to a recording of a session from a few months ago and i was blown away with how confident i sounded - where is that me now???

but all in all... i am grateful. i truly do have the most wonderful T. He has been solid for me through so much. He lives what he believes... he truly does. He isn't one of those who teaches but does not do... and you can sense it. He has this calmness that is more than just a surface thing or training... it's like the Chinese symbol of strength - the willow. The willow bends and twists and can withstand immense pressure without breaking. i don't think i would have gotten this far with many.

thanks for responding guys

[sanityseeker]

Wishing you continued self discovery. Your strength is showing. No rush.

Resilience:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/resilience