I don't understand myself

My life has been going great, I have been SO STABLE for SO LONG.

When the choice came that I had to switch because of insurance and cost, there was even the thought of stopping therapy. That's how stable I've been.

But in the past little week or two, I've gone and messed it all up again.

What is wrong with me?

Why can't I handle this?

Why can't I just stay stable FOR GOOD??

Due to a change in insurance, I have to leave my psychiatric nurse practitioner who has been doing both meds and therapy for me for over 2 years. I guess it's really effecting me. And the way the insurance company has been treating me has NOT been pleasant. Millions of phone calls, so much red tape just to get pre-certified. It's a nightmare.

Pile on that with some recent little fights with my husband over money. I'm trying to come up with a better system of handling things but everything I think of just gets shot to heck. I'm the one screwing things up, not him.

And I was on a team raising money for a charity with some coworkers, and a major event we had planned just blew up in our face days before the event, and it was because of something I had done. I felt responsible. Sure, the business owner is the one who messed it up, but I should have followed through more.

And I'm losing weight, but not enough. I can't stop eating, I'm not exercising, I'll never make this a lifetsytle change. I'm still over 200 pounds.

My husband hasn't had sex with me in 6 months. But I should be used to that by now....we've been in a sexless marriage/relationship for going on 8 years. I don't know what to do about it anymore. Who would want to have sex with a 200 pound crazy depressed fat a&& who spends all his money anyways?

And the worst part is, I don't know who to call. Thursday I met my new therapist, Friday I met my new psychiatrist, but I really don't know either of them that well yet. And my former psychiatrist nurse is now too expensive. I know she'd talk to me on the phone for free, but of course, it's the weekend, and I really don't feel THAT urgent. I actually have a final appointment with her on Thursday just to say goodbye, but I wanted that to be a happy appointment, not drudge up a lot of crap.

I called in sick to work one full day this week, and then left work in the middle of the day twice. So basically two full sick days. NOT GOOD. I can not afford to lose this job. My husband found out about the last half sick day and was livid. I'm costing us so much money (I have no more paid sick leave, this is unpaid), and I could cost me my job again. I lost my last job from too much sick leave. I was unemployed for 9 months. We could not handle that again. Bankruptcy for sure. We currently have over $75,000 in debt, all thanks to me.

Why do I screw things up, every time it gets good?

You're not alone. I am a 35 year old father of a 3 year old. My wife and I are in debt also. She won't say but I think it is because of me. I had a good construction job and I decided to start my own company. It went well for a while but my depression made it hard to goto work. When you're on your own its real easy to not go. I drove the company into the ground. With no money coming in the debt began. I don't even know how deep we are. My wife wants another kid and it scares the sh#t out of me. We can't afford another child. Don't blame your self for your problems. Depression can control you in strange ways. I have suffered for 20+ years. I have tried most of the drugs out there. Your situation is not uncommon at all. Take it day by day. It's not you screwing things up.

Martina, you've got major stressors going on! That's not "good", I think just about anyone would crack under that, not just you.

Some of the old things that have happened; the fund raiser that blew up, you have to let go of if they've already happened. You have too much that's going on in current time to worry about the already happened old stuff.

You haven't lost your job yet. Figure out ways to help yourself at work so you don't have to leave. I use to take favorite books and read half a page or so every now and then. Don't take any money or more food than you "need" to work; plan what you're going to take/eat and have no way to get more. I'm well over 200 pounds so sounds like you're doing well (don't know how tall you are, I'm 5'6"). I named the snack machine at work, "Huge Harold" and gave it a nasty personality so I didn't want to go near it (very large, dripping nose, bad smell, etc. :-) and extended it to the soda machine too and actually managed to make myself a bit afraid of them when I was in the snack room by myself, LOL.

Martina,

Stop, centre and breathe focus on something positive that you have achieved and then plan the next step. Your illness is not your fault.

Control and handle what you can and understand that change in therapists is a major event in the lives of people like us. In some cases it's like losing a parent or a best friend.

You've made huge inroads so pat yourself of the back for that, and take one day at a time from now not yesterday,

Rhi