I was just thinking about this travesty in my past. I t bubbles up in my mind more than I'd like to admit, I always force myself to think of other things, knowing it's in the past and there's nothing I can do now, but I thought I'd share, get it off my chest so to speak. It happened to a good friend of mine. Even though, five years later we had a bad falling out, I still recall that night, thinking that I could've done something different. I had a bad feeling, but was too drunk to think quick enough I guess. We shouldn't have partied with those sketchy newly found 'friends." I should've forced myself to jump up, ran out the door after them, grabbed her hand and stopped her, convinced her to leave, catch a cab back home. I still feel guilt to this day for what happened to her. Even though ultimately I had nothing to do with it, in the after math, my actions did not help, only hurt, and our friendship would never be the same. I would go into more detail, but I'm afraid perhaps she might be on here anonymously and recognize my story and start spweing vile hatred towards me and my past grievances I caused her, real and imagined.

[(JD)]

I don't see any validation for the guilt you carry.

It appears you were not in a position to make any such decision, or, as you just shared, you would have. Obviously, she wasn't able either? Were you in charge of her, were you given authority to watch over her and keep her safe? Then, and only then, would you have been negligent to provide that safety...but became selfish by drinking and not being in control. She had her own responsibility to be in control of her actions, and if she also took herself to a point where that didn't happen, you aren't the one responsible, even if she blames you.

I'm sorry you are still suffering, and it sounds as though she is too.
We all make mistakes.
It's important that you learn from any mistake you feel you made. (The mistake not stopping her, but in drinking so much you couldn't make what you now think were wiser choices.)

Solidify your learning points from the situation. That might help you move on from it.

[shezbut]

LabLover23,

I'm sorry that you're suffering from the guilty feelings. Not fun, I know. What helps me with my guilt (valid or not) is acceptance from others of the intense emotion. I understand.

I would say that letting it out to someone (a T, friend or family, in PC) could help you begin working through the emotions. Holding the memories and thoughts inside really doesn't help you.

What if your friend does come into PC? What if they read your story, of you letting it out? Would they attack you? Your friend may be a member. Maybe they will read your story. I highly doubt that they'd attack you...but, let's say they did. You could make the best of the situation by working through those bruises you've held onto. That would be much more therapuetic than holding onto it forever, in fear of what may or may not be said. In my humble opinion, we do much more damage to ourselves than others. {As we go over and over things, in our minds, blaming ourselves for every misery in this world.}

Hugs to you...

Lab, forgive yourself. If you would feel better about yourself, ask her to forgive you.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hey there lab,

It is hard when you are taught to be responsible for things over your lifetime. It is near impossible to simply "stop" feeling responsible. JD is right, there is no reason for you to feel that you were responsible but it doesn't work that way does it?

She chose to go, she chose to leave a safe place and go somewhere that she was at risk. Being a true friend you didn't try to influence her or bully her into not doing what she wanted to do.

Do you think you feel more responsible for the fight that caused the break up but are transposing it onto something else which was not your fault at all so that you can say "what happened wasn't my fault"?

I do hope that you can let this go dear lab...you don't deserve to punish yourself this way,

Rhian

[Cyborg24]

I agree, sometimes it feels like that guilt wont go away. It will eventually. I suffer with PTSD. I lost my grandmother 2 years ago, she was like my mother. I haven't been able to go to the grave site or go to my grandfathers home . I feel so much guilt and hatred for myself because I am unable to do what I should be doing. I can't be there for my grandfather, and he's nearly 90 now. I feel guilty because He thought for a long time that, I hated him. But the true reason is I feel like I'm being completely selfish, because I don't want to cry and I don't want to grieve her. So I understand your guilt and know how it can affect close relationships. I just hope you two can come to terms eventually and you can be at peace.