[winterglen]

To have good mental health, I'm supposed to accept who I am, but the person I am -- lazy, irresponsible, no control over her emotions, embarrassing, ugly, stupid -- is so unlikeable that I cannot accept her.

Throughout my childhood, people have let me know how unlikeable I was (and probably still am.) It would be a mistake to like myself for being irresponsible and annoying if I'm making other people's lives miserable with my stupidity.

I've tried changing, but it isn't working. I keep screwing up and hating myself more.

[kim_johnson]

I don't think that is the person you are... Sounds to me like you are a person who hasn't received much in the way of the gentle loving care and support that you needed. Throughout most of my childhood and teenage years and early adult hood I hated myself pretty badly. Turns out... I was mostly in an environment that was really toxic for me. Could have been perfectly fine for a different kind of kid... One with a LOT of a thicker skin... But it wasn't alright for me. Sensitive person that I was.

I know they say 'you can't change the world, so just worry about yourself' and 'I'm starting with the man in the mirror' and all that... But sometimes the solution really is to make a small, localised change in the environment. That can help you... Change... As you reflect things back to the world.

It is like how if you eat good, wholesome food then your body starts to reflect that back.

Can you make a list of things that you do like about yourself... What do you think are your nicest / best features? What things do you enjoy the most? Do you have little pockets where you feel happier?

Then think about how some of that stuff can be magnified to take over more of your life.

[emory_]

It's so so so hard to be kind to yourself when you've grown up in an environment that told you that you weren't worthy of being kind to. I am like that, too. I have a hard time with the intrusive thoughts when I'm upset, like, "You're so stupid and selfish," "All you do is take from everyone" "You're just lazy and careless and you're exaggerating". It's hard not to have those thoughts when they've been drilled into you your whole life! I don't know how to fix it, I just want you to know that there are other people who have the same issues. I do not know you personally, but I know that you are worthy of love and praise and kindness. You do not deserve unkind and disrespectful words.

The Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön teaches us that those things we most despise about ourselves are our treasure. By accepting them with compassion & lovingkindness, we can attain true peace of mind. (See my signature quotation below.)

[BLUEDOVE]

Please get this book:"Self-Compassion", by
Kristin Neff.

[nicoleflynn]

Don't allow other people to define you. You are supposed to do that, and quite frequently when people tell you who they think you are.....they are really talking about THEMSELVES; that is called projection.

[avlady]

I was in a relationship where the guy wold project on me all the time. i couldn't take it anymore, after having his son and not being married but engaged, i left. i had to because his behavior towards me was toxic. I am glad i got out when i could after a few years of total abuse by projection.