Family Imput

Well, I did something that was very difficult for me to do, but I talked to my family about my concerns. It was my mother, father and another son (Joe - 21)

It wasn't difficult for me to actually talk to them, but the subject matter was hard to bring up because I felt like I was betraying Nate, or triangulating somehow to mention my concerns about him without actually talking to him.

The very first response for all three was to jump to his defense by telling the "Wow" stories that we tell about him. I know all those stories by heart, too. We all do that. When I finally, gently and respectfully let them know that I worried that I told the "Wow" stories and described Nate by using Einstein comparisons and might possibly be ignoring other problems everyone became quiet. Then one by one they voiced their concerns of how self-conscioius and standoffish Nate had become and when they began to notice it.

It was a difficult moment of truth. Of a different kind of truth. Because the "Wow" stories are truth, too. I am so thankful that I have and come from such a wonderful family of unconditional lovers.

In the meantime, each one felt that it was more anxiety related problems than anything, because the major recollections of pain or failure for Nate were around "performance" situations where he had to communicate with or perform for a stranger.

Wow! I just had an "aha" moment. The majority of the time the situations were with police officers. (This recent insodent, his driving exam) He has had very tragic and painful experiences with his father's arrests, etc.

Anyway, I at least brought the subject up, and got some feedback on it. I have a very healthy 2 year old that is extremely active and we often times compare his energy to that of Nate's when he was a little boy. Every voiced that Nate appeared very healthy and energetic and normal as a child. That was helpful, because I was beginning to wonder if maybe I had missed something when he was much littlier.

I just keep thinking of those words that he said to me when he was around 12. I think that I recalled this story to someone recently in a response, so forgive my repetativeness. But it resounds. Like a big, unanswered clue. It was shortly after the divorce. I gathered the 4 kids up for a "family meeting" (Yes, there are actually morons like me who really did this). I let them know that we were all going to go to counseling. Nate over-reacted. He yelled, "Why won't someone just tell me what is wrong with me!" and ran out slamming doors. This is the only time I can remember seeing a demonstration of anger in this way. (Maybe THATS the problem.)

I talked to him about this situation and he believed that something was "wrong" with him and that "everyone knew what it is" but that "noone would tell" him what it was. I tried to explore what it was that made him feel that way or to think that, but he didn't have specifics.

I had forgotten about this and recalling it again has been painful. I guess that openly exploring these issues with my son makes me feel like I am buying into and demonstrating behaviors that he could use to reinforce those thoughts. Only, now they appear to be true, but they did not even remotely appear true back then.

Things that make you go, "hummm".

Thanks everyone for the support and feedback while I try to figure this stuff out, and how to best approach and handle the situation.

Hi AngelEyes: Congratulations on trying to discuss these issues with your family members = that is not an easy thing to do, and I really applaud your efforts! Fondly, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>