[psychonaut]

I am what I consider to be an extremely intelligent person, and have always had a knack for figuring out how things work. There is one thing I can't quite figure out - and that is what's wrong with me. I would like to be helped but even with my resourceful nature I have not found anywhere to go, and even if I did I would be too afraid to go. Here is a list of personality traits and physical symptoms I've been struggling with for years: (bear with me, this list may seem like some pretty random traits but I feel in some way that these factors are all connected.) I'm 22 years old by the way.

-I have an IQ of 168. I was considered "gifted & talented" at age 4. I scored in the 99% percentile on the california achievment tests in middle school. I go to one of the top engineering colleges in the country and get decent grades. I've been told by several people on several occasions that I am the smartest person they've ever met. I study psychology, anatomy, biochemistry and pharmacology as a hobby, and I realize the inherent dangers of self-diagnosis, but I can't even begin to come up with anything if I wanted to self diagnose. I'm well read, and well cultured. I'm not bragging, I'm stating this as some background to my nature.
-I can give myself a million reasons why I'm "worthy" including a slew of artistic, musical, technical and academic talents, yet I don't feel I deserve any of them and don't feel that they do in fact give me any worth. I have a hard time following through with projects once started because I seem to have a short attention span. I can usually become good at something in a very short while, and once the challenge is gone, rather than honing my skills in a particular area to become an expert, I move on to something else that is challenging and new. I believe this tendancy is the primary cause for depressive feelings I occasionally have.
-I believe that I have an almost extrasensory intuition. I believe I can read the minds of others around me, and on occasion I even hear other's thoughts spoken in their voice, yet their lips are shut and they aren't saying anything. I can tell other people what they're thinking and they're usually pretty amazed at the fact that I'm quite often right.
-I yearn for contact and communication with others, yet I'm extremely shy and withdrawn. I enjoy social situations and being surrounded by people, but can never bring myself to talk to somebody. I never speak unless spoken to out of some inexplainable fear. If I force myself to overcome the fear it usually results in panic and anxiety; my heart beats fast, I run short on breath, my face turns red, and I have to escape from the situation. An extreme example of this is taking an "F" grade in a college course once because I accidentally registered for an incorrect course but was afraid to ask for the professor's signature to drop the course. Other fears and anxiety problems I have include eating in front of others aside from my two parents and sister, using public bathrooms, even coughing or sneezing in front of others. Even though at a cognitive level I realize these are normal functions, I somehow feel it makes me inferior to perform them in any sort of public situation or to let anybody see me. I usually become quite angry at myself after one of these episodes because I do realize how ridiculous it is, but simply cannot convince myself to behave differently.
-The only people I have become close friends with in my life are those who I feel that I can either manipulate, control their thoughts, or in other ways influence. This is similar to what I believe is called "broadcasting" in scitzophrenia. Although these relationships do not seem abnormal from a 3rd party view, they're always based on control from my perspective.
-I have difficulty speaking to people as mentioned, however I obviously have sufficient language skills and have absolutely no problem writing. I can talk through e-mail or chat online for hours with a friend, but put me face to face and I can't eek out a single word sometimes. I think it is primarily due to the fact that I'm continuously analyzing every facet of communication from body language to the vocabulary I intend on using, and I cannot keep up with the pace of casual conversation.
-I rarely make mistakes. Because of my analytical nature I am carefully calculating my every move. I've never hurt myself. Never tripped and fallen, never cut myself, never broke a bone... because I am so thoughtful and cautious about my every move.
-When I was young I suffered from several separate intense hallucinogenic experiences. The first was when I was approximately 4 years old, and I vividly remember the alarm clock going off in my room. The sound was deafening and continued to get louder and louder. (I didn't have an alarm clock in my room.) Giant blue Smurfs (remember the old cartoon?) began surrounding me from every angle and screaming. Another time I had a hallucination in my bedroom that I was in the middle of some sort of war. Men in uniforms were shooting machine guns from every angle while brightly colored cartoon flowers appeared and disappeared on the wall. I was afraid to go upstairs alone for a year or two after this episode for fear that a "sniper" or "ninja" was hiding in my closet or under my bed ready to kill me. Another time, when falling asleep, I saw the faces of several old women floating around my room, again with the same theme - they were screaming at me; it was a sound louder than anything imaginable. The past 4-5 years I have been having minor versions of this hallucination typically happening in the period where I am falling asleep. I actually open my eyes while I am partially asleep and become aware of the situation. There is the deafening noise, and I struggly to wake myself up but my body is paralyzed. I usually see hallucinations based on things my open-eyed-but-sleeping-body sees in the room - just the other day I saw some sort of purple glowing spinning jellyfish floating near the cieling - and when I fully awoke I realized it was a curtain rod.
-I have strange eating and sleeping disorders. I suffer (seemingly at random) from severe insomnia; other times I fall asleep and do not wake for 14 hours. I can go two days without eating, or sometimes I eat so uncontrollably that I make myself sick. I sometimes lose weight for no reason without changing my diet or exercise patterns, and other times I gain weight despite efforts to prevent the situation with exercise and diet. (in both instances, 10-15lbs, or about 7% of my total body weight) Its all totally random.
-I've also developed drug abuse problems. I've hidden these problems from family and most friends. A few friends are aware, but there is nobody on this planet that knows the severity of the problem. My drugs of choice are LSD and DXM. I don't want to be a "drug addict" and I know this is potentially harmful for somebody in my condition, but when I am forcing hallucinations upon myself it actually makes me feel like a normal person for that duration of time. I can take a moderate dose of LSD and function in daily activities better than I normally could - I can socialize and connect with others normal, my phears and phobias seem to melt away, and most of all I feel happy and self-worthy. I am in no way "addicted" to these things however, I can go months or even years without taking any sort of drug and do not crave them in any way, I simply abuse them when they are easily accessible.
-I've never told a single person about almost everything mentioned just now out of fear.

I can probably go on but I've probably written enough to at least give an introductory impression. Although I do have occasionally "depressive" bouts, I'm generally a happy, easy going, stress free person. I've also managed to be very successful in life, I hold down a steady well paying job, I get good grades in school, and I manage to always fufil my responsibilities. I just get the feeling that something isn't quite right and there is a whole lot of potential here if I could get these strange behavior patterns under control, not to mention I could feel more fufillment out of life. I'm open to any ideas anybody has.... I guess I'm looking for a first step to take; I don't expect to be diagnosed or cured or even helped from something like this, but it would be nice to have confirmation that these things aren't normal, and a point in the right direction. Thanks for your time

[nowheretorun]

As I was reading your description I was reminded of a website I briefly attended. Many there would describe the exact same "symptoms" you've described. The members are knowledgeable and there are several links you might go for more information. I'm sending you the link in a private message. Good luck

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius