Am I wrong?

I am just so confused right now about whether I am right to feel the way I do about something. Well see my cousin SA me and well it is not easy for me to see him. Well so my family knows this and my aunt, his mom, actually promised me that he would just not be allowed to come home for family functions and that I wouldn't have to see him. Well this last Thanksgiving she asked me beforehand if he could spend Thanksgiving with our family. So I felt like I shouldn't keep him from his family, since they are his family too, so I said ok and spent Thanksgiving elsewhere. Well my family ended up getting together 4 times then without me, always with him. This did a big emotional number on me and my family is aware of this. I was actually in the hospital shortly after partly due to my feeling bad about this. Well see the same thing is happening again for Easter. I feel so abandoned and cast out by my family. I feel they are choosing him over me. My parents are ok with it all too. Of course my parents are not the greatest people to me. But am I wrong to not want to go? Am I wrong for feeling the way I do? What do I do?

Jennifer

You do what you need so to care for yourself. Your family is wrong. Tell them yet again how it feels. You will not be there and this is why and it seems like you are choosing him over me. Remember what he did to me.

I don't think so Jennifer...

But at some point you must try to move away from feeling like a complicit victim...This was NOT your fault...Guilt is a tireless horse,,,it trots to deep sorrow and then to profound despair...This despair is what can take us down...

Please try to accept that you have no need to carry any shame. He is the guilty here and though some folks are using denial to move around what they don't wish to face,,,it is up to you what you will do with the Truth.

Please be kind to yourself Jennifer...

Lenny

Thank you so much, I am trying to do what I need to do to take care for myself. I am actually thinking I am going to move into the assisted living facility again where I lived before. I have come to a point in my life where I am going to need some extra help. I have so much going on right now in my life and I am really really afraid about this May coming up so fast. I mean, I was assaulted last May and it has been so difficult since. I almost died from the incident and the thought of all this makes me cringe in terror. I don't know what to do really. Well and besides that, the guy really got nothing when it went through the jusitice system. I don't know though really I am just 21 and I have been a victim pretty much all of my life. I have been abused by several people and then my parents and family haven't treated me the greatest, then I was assaulted. It seems like all I have known is trauma, that means all I know is being a victim. I am in the proccess of changing all of this. I am going to get better.

Jennifer

Jennifer,

Be strong and realize that you are the important one - you are the one that matters. Get support where you can find it and hold on to it and allow that support to hold you through the rough times.

I was abused by a cousin at a young age and no one believed me (I have not seen my cousin in almost 30 years - I did see a picture of him recently and it sent me into a downward spiral), my family life wasn't the best. I also was assualted at the age of 19 and the court system failed me. There seems to be some similarity in our lives, but there is one advantage that you have... You are 21 years old and I am 46 - and am just now dealing with the issues of my past. It's not easy but be strong and get the help you need while you are young and don't let it set inside of you for years and years.

As you are, I am also in the process of changing and I am also having a hard time. But we can do it...

Be strong... If you need someone to talk with - I'm here...

KS

Thank you for your reply. I am working on trying to get through all of this. Yeah and my mom tells me this morning that my cousin left and so I don't need to worry about it. I don't know what to do. I made some other plans and so I don't know if I should go be with my family or what. I don't know really, it just seems like my family likes to play with my emotions and likes to try and make me feel bad. But maybe that's just what I see. I don't know I am just kind of tired of it.

I am in the process of writing some letters to some of the people who were involved in my case. I don't know, I think it will help. I have talked to my Ts about this and they seem to be ok with it. I also am going to be moving into assisted living again, I have not been doing so well.

Jennifer

(((((((Jennifer))))))))

Your feelings aren't wrong at all.

Sounds like your family is setting up unsafe situations for you, that is not okay.

I'm glad that you are taking good care of yourself.

Thank you cedars. I am actually kind of upset with my family. But I feel like I can't express that. I dont' know what to do really. I am just trying to make it through at this point. My aunt guilt tripped me into going to my family's easter thing yesterday. Even though I told my family I was busy and had plans, they just plain don't care.Well I am going to moving in the assisted living and I am ready to be in a more stable environment.

Jennifer

Personally, I think it is fine for you to not like what your family is doing.

Writing my feelings down in a journal helps me sometimes, especially when trying to talk with the people actually involved isn't all that safe.

Maybe you can take a break of sorts from your family and continue to focus on your safety and well being. They may very well try to pull on you and drag you back into all that stuff, but you are doing the right thing by focusing on you.

All the best ((((Jennifer)))

I agree, time for a break so you can sort things out.