[Wants2Fly]

SUPPORTIVENESS

To be supportive is to dance on a high wire suspended between the poles of Honesty and Empathy. Beneath is the yawning pit of rejection, littered with the sharp edges of broken relationships.

The supportive friend, family member, teacher, mentor, therapist, counselor, physician wonders how much of the truth to tell and how to tell it. Cultural ideas about how much truth is appropriate change. Not so long ago – for a few decades no longer seems like a such a long time to me -- some physicians believed that a prognosis of impending death might be too much for the patient to bear. An honest report might be delivered to close family members or shared only in veiled terms. Few physicians today believe that withholding this vital information is supportive.

Hugs, well-wishes conveyed as email or cards or phone calls or gifts, are readily recognized expressions of support. Being present for a friend who needs to cry or rage or be silent without being alone may be supportive gestures. Knowing when to shut the door and leave a friend who needs to be alone may be supportive.

Being supportive seems more art than a science. We want to be authentic in supportive relationships, fulfilling our deepest needs for personal integrity and compassion. Finding the right mix is not always so easy.

I envy those whose empathy and compassion is so finely-tuned that they always seem to have the right word, the right touch at the right moment. They give virtuoso performances on the tightrope line of supportiveness.

Others of us struggle with relationships and inner battles, our journey across the high wire of life forever threatening to end in a disastrous fall. Sometimes we do fall from the grace of a friend, relative, boss, employee, beloved mate. We struggle with our inner mental battles as we gingerly proceed with our relationships, hoping for the right mix of tact and comfort.

Some of us are more prickly than others, wearing spike shoes that make the journey across the tightrope even more treacherous. Others of us come equipped with slippers that seem to glide effortlessly between the poles of Honesty and Empathy.

I was asked to write something about Supportiveness for General quite a while ago, and I’ve been mulling over it ever since. I’ve struggled to find words for it because, like so many wonderful things in life, supportiveness is ineffable. Supportiveness exists in the context of situation, in the crucible of personalities, in a blend of virtues and flaws, in the moment. It is action, it is process; it is never a fixed material item that one can pick up in one’s hand, touch, and catalogue the features in a tidy report.

Supportiveness lives in the moment and is gone in the next, ephemeral as the flick of a butterfly’s wings. It is free, and it can’t be bought for any price. It is all the more valuable and valued for that. Marianne Williamson has written that commitment means that both people agree that no one leaves the room when the argument starts. That is the challenging part of supportiveness – to stay when things get rough, to stick around after the unpleasantness starts.

Supportiveness is voluntarily standing side-by-side with another as that individual faces loss, disappointment, pain, tragedy, terror, confusion, the end of life itself, the grieving over the passing of another.

Supportiveness can be practical – the food that is routinely brought to the bereaved and new people in the neighborhood. Supportiveness can be honest – repeating over and over that the battered woman doesn’t deserve this treatment and showing her where there is help.

Supportiveness can be thankless – letting a friend know that a marriage partner has been having unsafe sex with others. Supportiveness can be fun – taking a friend’s mind off surgery with funny movies and comfort food.

Supportiveness is so broad and so deep that it defies summing up in a few words. We all need it, we all want to give it, we all want to be validated as providing it. We all dance the tightrope. I find it challenging to sum up supportiveness in a list, but that is what I was asked to do, and here is my list.

10 Qualities of Supportiveness

1. Supportiveness is compassionate. It feels the world with another’s heart and offers one’s own to share the pain or the fear.
2. Supportiveness is volunteered. It cannot be coerced from someone, obtained by make another feel guilty, or as a bargain. It is not an emotional “deal.”
3. Supportiveness is open-minded. It doesn’t judge the other for grieving too long, not finding a solution soon enough, being too slow to make progress, having problems that aren’t serious enough, or any the other myriad ways we find to create division between ourselves and others.
4. Supportiveness is honest. It doesn’t honey-coat, avoid, evade, or deny the truth. At the core of the honesty is the giver’s integrity that recognizes personal limits, strives for wholeness, and draws appropriate boundaries. It is not giving and giving until one is depleted; that is co-dependency.
5. Supportiveness is patient. It allows the other to feel and work through feelings and issues. Grieving people often comment that most friends fade away long before grieving is over, finding the sadness unbearable. The supportive friend is the one who stays.
6. Supportiveness is courageous. The supportive person visits the sick room of the dying and stares down death. Supportiveness witnesses the shrinking body, the antiseptic smells of the hospital room. It stays through job loss and homelessness, and it offers a few bucks to help and maybe a room.
7. Supportiveness is strong. It is the walking stick that another may use on the journey of life.
8. Supportiveness bears witness to the truth of another’s feelings and experiences. Those who built the Holocaust Museum present it as a monument that “bears witness” to the pain of that slaughter. Perhaps the most important quality of support is “bearing witness” to the other’s feelings. Perhaps it explains the wonderful popularity of the Psych Central Forums. The quality of bearing witness seems to prove that those also serve who only stand and wait.
9. Supportiveness is consistent. Even while drawing boundaries, the supportive person lets the other know that “I am here.” To offer and withdraw one’s support eccentrically creates confusion, rejection, and more pain.
10. Supportiveness is faith-full. It never loses faith that best is yet to come, that each person can reach his or her full potential, and that miracles happen every day.

And the lagniappe -- Supportiveness is a gift freely given, to be received with gratitude.

I received a lot of support at Psych Central, and I hope I gave back at least a little. I hope those who are new will find as much as healing and help as I did here.

Peace and blessings, Wants2 reincarnated as _fly

[h0kie]

Wow! What a wonderful post. So glad you posted it. There are so many wonderful insights in this post. You are a wonderful supporter...three cheers for you.

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((((((((wants2)))))))))))))))))))))))

i adore you and have been missing you. needed to get a hug in there

[__zh]

thank you for sharing your interpretations and ideals of supportiveness with this board.

tc _fly.

__zh

girl, your heart and mind give me a warm feeling, deep in my soul. thank you so much......xoxox pat

[wisewoman]

I am deeply touched by your post. I could not have said it nearly as well. I particularly like your Bearing Witness anoalogy. Strong feelings evoked from reading this. Beautiful. Thank you.

[Myzen]

Hi Fly,

That was an awesome post: gentle, understanding and helpful.

A pleasure to read.

Cheers, Myzen

[Fuzzybear]

Thank you for this great post _fly,

with much respect,
Fuzzy

Clap-clap-clap!

Applause for a job well done.

My favorite,

Supportiveness is voluntarily standing side-by-side with another as that individual faces loss, disappointment, pain, tragedy, terror, confusion, the end of life itself, the grieving over the passing of another.

Thank you so much for sharing.

Petunia

[TheOrganicAngel]

Bravo!!


~Alexiel