[tyranover]

Ok, so before I start please know that I have a hard time talking about this; It's something I've kept hidden for all my life and for good reason.

Recently I've been having some issues with conflicting identities.

There's no gentle way to say this so I'll just throw it out there: I am an infantalist. I have an attraction and desire to be a baby or toddler. This includes everything that comes with it. This includes all paraphernalia. Diapers, pacifiers, etc. It's important to note at this point that a) This is not a sexual thing, otherwise I would have put this in the sexual subforum, and b) I did not choose to be like this. Believe me, I have spent years trying to figure out why the hell I'm this way.

With that out of the way, this brings me to my main point. I have been having some conflict of identity; One one hand, I am the youngest of my family and I have ALWAYS had the desire to not be seen as the baby of the family. I do have the desire to be the adult that I am. On the other hand, I have this desire to be seen as a baby. Involving my family in this is a repulsive thought.

Whenever I have indulged in infantalist activities, I've felt this incredible guilt and invariably it haunts me for days after, however after the guilt fades, I have this incredible longing to go back to those activities. I know that this is something that is abnormal and I have the desire to just stop doing it, but I don't feel like I ever can, because I also have the desire to continue. How do I reconcile these parts of my identity? Am I going to be doomed to go back and forth between guilt and longing forever? I want to fix myself here. I want to balance out these parts of my life, but I don't know if I ever can. I would appreciate any advice or insight.

[Maven]

I won't say I fully understand it, but I have seen documentaries that included it. I personally feel if no one's getting hurt and we're talking consensual adults, be who you are and do your own thing. ☺

[Sunflower123]

I agree with Maven. If it's not hurting anyone then accept that part of yourself and try not to feel guilty about it. Best wishes

Thanks for sharing this. I usually don't give "advice" on this site but because you so bravely shared your experience, I will share mine.

From time to time I use a pacifier and children's coloring books. If I had more money, I'd buy sippy cups and baby clothes that fit me. I suspect everyone's "reason" (if there is one) is different.

I understood your post as saying that your guilt and longing stems from not being comfortable with indulging, but also not wanting to quit the infantalistic activities. If that's right, I think that balance will come from not feeling guilty about the infantalism. Don't be revulsed by your younger side. That's like being repulsed by a child. Be kind to yourself.

Everyone's experience is different. And I'm not sure exactly what you mean by infantilism because I think the word has so many connotations and meanings because I don't think it's fully researched and understood. Do you feel young? Is there any body dysphoria when you see your adult body but want to be seen as a baby? (Seen by who?) How often do you want to be young? etc.

What do you mean by involving your family?

If it helps you, I can share some of my own experience... I've always felt like there is space for me to regress. It is also a stress reliever, because it makes me feel more innocent / less guilty about my childhood. It also helps me be kind to myself, etc. But, I'm also a functioning adult (and want to be), and am pretty ambitious in the career department. You can be both, and in fact, I think it may be crucial to your adult self to be nurtured in this way. Your adult self feels guilty but your younger self longs to be nurtured. Does that resonate with you? Now this is my own theory, but if you give your baby self what they need, you might feel less guilty because you will be nurtured.

From my perspective, I don't think it's abnormal.

I hope this helped. I might be totally off topic, who knows.

[tyranover]

emptynightmare, thanks for sharing. You've hit the nail on the head in several ways.

I think there is some sort of dysphoria occurring when I indulge. When I'm in adult mode I constantly want to be young and feel that my physical form doesn't match; when I'm in child mode, I'm not so much repulsed from that part of me, instead I'm repulsed from how I feel after.

I think you're correct in that my younger side needs to be nurtured, however I don't feel like indulging that side of me is going to make me feel less guilty; It's when I'm indulging that side that I feel guilty in the first place.

What I mean by involving my family is having them know about this at all. I've taken great efforts in the past to distance myself from anything childish in hopes that I won't be connected with those things in their view.

It's nice to know, however, that there are other people out there like me who aren't fetishists, and that at least you don't think it's super abnormal.

Also if anything doesn't make sense in this post, sorry. That's just how I get when I get self analytical

[A Hobbit]

You are not alone. I too am an infantilist (though I don't like that word) and do not consider myself a fetishist. It is a comfort thing for me.

If you have never read the article "What Is True Infantilism?" By Kathi Stringer please Google it. It really resonates with me. I read it often. It may resonate with you as well.

[tyranover]

Thanks for suggesting that article. I had read it before, but not very thoroughly.

Something that piqued my interest was in the conclusion:

"After one can accept self, then the forces are not so relentless......it brings a feeling of.....I am okay....I am a unique individual and it is okay to be me."

That is exactly what I'm striving for. A self actualization I suppose.

Something else I saw that was interesting:

"A healthy balance is to be encouraged to help an individual from completely giving in to regressive behaviors. Introduce exercises to limit the fantasies to diminish pervasive regressive behavior since engulfment may create a larger abyss that is not grounded in reality."

This is kinda a frustrating paragraph to me. I appreciate what it's saying, but I'm not sure how to go about achieving this. How do I balance it out?

[A Hobbit]

I don't know. I'm still (after decades!) working on this myself.

[tyranover]

So, I was thinking, as there are apparently a few of us on this site, why not create a group? I'm just going to drop this link here for anyone who finds this thread and is interested

https://forums.psychcentral.com/grou...fantalism.html