[Muser]

I looked and looked and I don't see a thread on anger management. Help me find one please. I really need it right now!!!

There is an issue in my life and I just can't get past it. I know that I am giving this person way too much control by my reaction but I don't know how to make it stop. I just want it out of my life and out of my head!!! It doesn't belong there!!!

[Perna]

You have to figure out where the anger is coming from in your own head/heart, what is triggered in you by what the person says or does.

I had a boss who humiliated me in public. The problem was he was technically "right" in what he said (I have trouble communicating clearly) but it wasn't something I could "fix" right that moment. However, I was working on it in therapy as hard as I could and should have been proud of myself. What I realized though was that I had been trying to help him, unasked, and this was the "thanks" I got, that I was helping, poorly. So I used my anger, my emotion, my information about how I was feeling about the world, myself, and how this one person in my world perceived me, to come up with a plan to stop the humiliation (not the anger!). I decided I would not offer to help this person, would not have any contact with him unless he initiated it (I'm a helpful sort of person and like to jump in and help if I see I can but this person was not someone I wanted to do that with any longer). Further, the next time he criticized me, in public (different if he'd taken the time to take me aside and discuss my shortcomings) I would call him out, in public, let him know in no uncertain terms he could not talk to me in that manner and that if he did it again, I would quit, on the spot (it was a part-time job and I could have gotten another/did not need to work at that period of time). I would set a personal boundary and penalty for crossing it.

So, when you find you are angry (or now, when you can remember a situation) take the time to back off and figure out just what button it is pushing in you and why. Then figure out an action, not to match whatever is hurting you with nose punching :-) but with self-awareness and by using your anger to fuel your resolve to "get ahead" personally in some way so you can "get away" from that person.

Sometimes (actually, a lot of times) it is possible that we misunderstand the other person. Other people may not be very savvy at reading us or know us well enough to know our buttons and might accidentally push them or, we might think they pushed a button but they were meaning something completely different by their remark. That's when first, calmly asking them for clarification or confirmation of what they said matters as in "I think you just called me a 'jackasset'; did you mean that?"

If it's a case of name calling and you don't like the person in the first place, I'd shrug and laugh. What do you care if a person you don't know well or like says your mother wears combat boots when they don't know you or your mother and your mother doesn't wear combat boots? They're not really humiliating you or your mother because they obviously don't know you or your mother AND, they're limited mentally if they can only come up with clichés to fight you, not speak in their own voice with their own words/expressions? It's the old, refusing to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person :-) Not a bad thing to say in a situation like that where someone obnoxious is just name calling, "I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person" then turn, and walk away.

However, if they say something that feels "true" about you and stings or are your parent/sibling/friend/former friend/boss, etc. you can appear to "agree" with them ("You're nothing but a lazy bum!" gets the humorous answer, "Yup, I love hard work, I can sit and watch it for hours!") and then you go off alone to lick your wounds or, you can decide how YOU want your life to be different. "You're nothing but an ignorant hick who won't mount to a hill of beans!" might get you to think of going off to college for that degree and better job you've been wanting in your life?

Anger is a feeling, an emotion, not the "action". You have to decide what sort of action you want to apply; a "meaningless" counter-hurtful one of name calling or physical pain? Or one that furthers your life and well-being?

[Muser]

Perna-Perna-Perna Thank you so very much You gave me a lot to think about. And as usual your wisdom reins supreme!!

I know exactly what angers me about this person. I know exactly who, what, where, and when. (I would have to PM to explain in depth) The thing I need the most help with is how to let go of the anger. I keep my mouth shut. I avoid confrontation. I avoid this person. Because of my work I have intermittent contact. I've been rude just short of openly belligerent. It upsets me because that is not my normal behavior...nor do I want it to become my norm. I have just today asked my boss today to remove me from the encounters with this person. Thank goodness he was fine with that. The only problem with that is I don't feel like I have accomplished anything. I'm still avoiding. Maybe that is the answer...avoiding...I don't know. At some point I would like to encounter this person and not have my blood boil.

I will think on what you said. "Anger is a feeling, an emotion, not the "action". You have to decide what sort of action you want to apply; a "meaningless" counter-hurtful one of name calling or physical pain? Or one that furthers your life and well-being?"

Thank you

[Princess_Obsidian]

Greetings,

If your anger is truly serious and/or capable of becoming so, please seek out a medical professionals help. I have no doubt, there are local anger mangement support groups, where you live. Of course, no matter what advice/medication/etc., one can give you, please remember that only you can change yourself.

Have a good one.

[Perna]

This is my favorite book on dealing with anger: http://www.amazon.com/Anger-Workbook.../dp/1568380542

She had a co-worker or some-time boss she couldn't get along with and it ended with her going to grad school and getting "above" that person/leaving them behind

[Muser]

I will definitely check that out, thanks Perna

When you have a traumatic experience and even if you get past it....if there is a person, place, or thing that is a trigger do you confront it or avoid it?

[Muser]

PS...

Ordered $4.00...can't beat Amazon!

tks

[Perna]

I don't pay attention to who pulled my trigger, especially if I don't like them. I figure out how to disarm the trigger so they can pull all they want and get nowhere; frustrating for them

[la doctora]

My T gave this to me. It really helped me. I hope it helps you too.

CONFRONTING THE PROVOCATION
Stay calm. Just continue to relax.
As long as you keep cool, you're in control.
Don't take it personally.
Don't get all bent out of shape, just think of what to do here.
You don't need to prove yourself.
There is no point in yelling.
You're not going to let them get to you.
Don't assume the worst or jump to conclusions.
Look for the positives.
It's really a shame this person is acting the way they are.
For a person to be that irritable, they must be really unhappy.
There is no need to doubt yourself, what they say doesn't matter.

Your muscles are getting so tight, it's time to slow things down and relax.
Getting upset won't help.
It's just not worth getting so angry.
You'll let them make a fool of themselves.
It's reasonable to get annoyed, but let's keep a lid on it.
Time to take a deep breath.
Your anger is a signal of what you need to do.

[Muser]

Very good la doctora....I like it. I'll print that and read it when the situation comes up again. Maybe I'll get lucky and it won't. I think I might need to confront this one at some point instead of avoiding like I have been, I just don't feel ready yet.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

For all the years and all the different methods, my grandmothers "Stop and count to 20" I told her "I thought it was 10" and by that time I'd forgotten about it....

[Muser]

Originally Posted by Princess_Obsidian

Greetings,

If your anger is truly serious and/or capable of becoming so, please seek out a medical professionals help. I have no doubt, there are local anger mangement support groups, where you live. Of course, no matter what advice/medication/etc., one can give you, please remember that only you can change yourself.

Have a good one.

It's only serious for me. I am so timid when it comes to telling someone I'm upset and why. I always hold it in and it's the inner turmoil that bothers me. I can compliment someone all day long but it's like pulling teeth for me to say " I am upset with you because...."

Just thinking about it now I find myself ringing my hands