[ImlostBro]

I've been depressed for at least 5 years now. I have too many things]that are making me hate my life everyday, so I think I'll make a list and hopefully somebody can give me some advice. Please i know this might be a long read, but i really need help and i DO NOT want to go see a therapist or be put on anymore medication.

1. I think the way my depression started was back when i was 9 years old
( i'm 21 now ), my sister got cancer and I had to watch her lose her hair, get sick from the chemo, and then die. Her last wish with the makeawish foundation was to visit Hawaii, and i didn't go with her and my mom because i was too afraid of flying on an airplane. When she came back she was completely different then when she had left, like she was almost braindead, so i couldnt even really communicate with her anymore. she died shortly after.

2. Excuse me for this part, it might get alittle descriptive and weird.
when i was around 11 or 12, i had my first gay experiences with one of my best friends. We preformed oral on eachother more then one time, and at the time i was just really horny and chalked up as kids experimenting. I've masturbated in front of TWO of my other friends a few years later, and at different times.
And the final time i had a gay experience was when i was 18, let me try to explain how this came about. I have a very deepseated fear of being a failure in bed with a woman, since i have a problem with premature ejaculation. I had never had sex at this point and really wanted to try it since all my friends were getting laid. So i put an ad on Craigslist bascially saying how i was still a virgin and didnt know how to have sex, i waited for about a week and the only people responding to me were guys. So i was thinking one night "maybe if i just close my eyes and imagine that the guy is a girl, i can trick myself into thinking its a girl giving me oral". I honestly was just trying to see how long i could last without prematurely ejaculating, i know thats ridiculous as hell but thats what mindstate i was in.
So i call up a guy that emailed me one night without really thinking it over enough, and tell him to meet me by my house. I get in his car and drive to the woods, and longstory short, I ended up giving HIM oral and having **** sex with him.

I know what you're thinking at this point "obviously you're gay and in denial", but i dont feel this is the case. As soon as i was done i realized what a stupid decision i had made and basically just told myself "well at least now you know youre not gay now" . I went home and took a long long shower. I think about this everyday and get ashamed and disgusted with myself. It's a major part of my depression and I dont think i'll ever live this over.

Shortly after the gay experience when i was 18, my penis literally changed color, and it felt alot different then it normally did. Ofcourse i got paranoid and started to think i had an std. I didn't want to tell my mom, because she thought i was still a virgin. eventually i got enough courage to ask her to go to the doctors, i got tested for just about everything but they didnt find any stds. My penis, 3 years later, still looks and feels the same, adding to my depression and reminding me of that stupid mistake i made 3 years ago. This has also added to my already pathetic self image and has made it hard trying to be happy and normal.

4. I hate this town i live in. When my sister died, my mom decided it was time for us to move from our town in iowa, where i lived for the first 12 years of my life and where all my friends were, to the west coast. I've pretty much hated it since i've been here, which would be about 9 years now. There's really nothing to do, all my friends want to do is get high/drunk and sit around which isnt helpful for my depression. I would get new friends, but honestly everyone i know in this town does drugs. I don't really hang out with anyone anymore because of my depression. When i'm out with friends , thoughts about my past come up and i get ashamed and instantly depressed. I know if they found out about my true past nobody would want anything to do with me.

5. I have hyperhydrosis and it makes me not want to even leave the house. Hyperhydrosis is a condition where you constantly sweat for no reason. I've only had one job because the sweating adds SO fricking much to my social anxiety. I have to wear jackets all the time to cover the sweat stains, even in summer.

6. I'm scared to get a job/go to school, because my social anxiety just feels like too much for me. Like i've said i've only had one job before and I HATED going to work everyday. Now i've got a new job coming up that i dont even want, but i feel like i should just take it since it would get me out of the house. The only problem is i'm going to have to drive like 50 miles with my boss, who i dont even know and try and make small talk. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but to me it is very big deal. I really don't like talking to people.

7.I've recently become addicted to weed because i have no will power to quit. I think to myself "your're just a loser anyways, why not buy another sack"? And it sucks also because ALL my friends deal weed and they know I have an addiction and they take advantage of it by hitting me up everyday, trying to be the first one to get me to buy a sack. I owe lots of money to these guys now. I really dont feel like i have any true friends anymore, and i havent talked to my friends back home (even though they try and get ahold of me) because I am so ashamed of who i am. I dont know if i'll ever accept myself for who i am.

8.I'm 21 and my hair is already falling out. I don't know if this is just from stress, but i have a feeling that since my dad is bald, i'm going to be too .

So i think thats basically it... i have other things that really bother me, but these are the main ones. writing this out really just makes me realize how much of a p*ssy i am. Still.... does anybody think they can help me?

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello lost,

Welcome to PC. I don't know that I can help you but I can support you. If you don't want a therapist or meds then you have to sort of work it out yourself, but we are here to support. And there are some wonderful people on here who will be able to help you in some way.

I'm not judging you as gay and it wouldn't matter to me if you were gay, you are a person who needs help and whom I'm happy to support, if that helps then I'm glad, please don't feel alone and don't hate yourself.

There are some people who don't figure out their sexuality until they are in their 40's or 50's, some even later so please stop judging yourself and accept that you may be somewhat confused and afraid of who you are.

I honestly feel that you would benefit from at least a vacation to your old town and a visit to your longer term friends. You may find a level of comfort there, or you may find that you are better off there than living in a town where the only passtime is smoking drugs; though I don't condemn M smokers I wonder at its ability to help anything other than chronic pain because it is a depressant which leads to dependency and phsycosis (from all research read and from personal experience with sister and her loser bf).

I really wish the best for you and I really hope you do benefit from being here with us,

Rhiannon

[barleysmile]

Hey, whether or not you are gay (I don't really think you are) you shouldn't judge yourself for you sexual experiences. That's harsh. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate regarding the depression. We are all here to support each other. Sorry I don't have anything helpful to say except that we're here for you. I will tell you that this site has helped me a lot. For example, I was deep in despair (curled up on my bed just minutes ago) I hit this site. I feel better. All I've done is respond to other's posts. Don't give up. It was a well written post, detailed. You will do well here.

Good luck. Stay with us.

PS Sounds like you need a change of diet. I found out late in life that I have a sensitivity to wheat, limes, lemon, and rice. These foods were causing me all kinds of problems (including depression, skin problems, cysts, nutrient deficiencies, etc) and I had no idea. I never would have known if my twin sister hadn't had a blood test to identify food allergies. I've found eating more fruit (some days only fruit) eases my depression. Sometimes I'll eat one kind of fruit til I'm full for a meal.

[Princess_Obsidian]

Greetings,

Only you can pull yourself out of the darkness, which consumes you. Especially since this darkness seems to be promoted by your lack of self-esteem.

Find yourself, accept yourself, and most importantly, love yourself.

Have a good one.

[lonegael]

((((((((Imlostbro)))))))) Since all the others here have already said most of what I would say, here's a few hugs and welcome! It's a good place to talk!

[Popskid]

Greetings,

Reading your story, it sounds as though coming here is a positive step for you. Having other people to support you can really be helpful. I, certainly, do not feel any need to judge or label you as gay. I hope that you can, eventually, let go of the shame you feel about your sexual experiences and live by whatever values are important to you in the future. Good Luck and congrats on reaching out for support!

Welcome to the Community, ImlostBro. I wish you well.

[Mrhomercat]