[Churchmouse]

I know what depression feels like.
I know what anxiety feels like.
What I don't know is what I am feeling right now.

It's indescribable....but I know I can't continue pretending that everything is ok...I sought help 2 weeks ago tomorrow and am seeing a psychiatric nurse until I get in to see a psychiatrist, which I found out on Thursday will be on October 12. Each day gets harder and harder, if I have even one moment of peace, the anxiety catches on and just takes over...it's like my brain is saying, why are you relaxing, life can't be easy for you, something horrible is bound to happen...I HATE living in constant fear. I am having mixed emotions about starting meds, which my nurse has told me I DO NEED....as much as they tell me it is a sickness, I can't help but feel like it is my fault, like I could have stopped this, like I am a horrible, weak, lazy, useless person....why has society made me feel this way? Why have I allowed society to make me feel this way? Or is it society at all? Just like people are afraid to admit they have cancer to themselves, to family, to friends...I am afraid to admit that I have a mental illness.

When will this get easier? Or will it ever get easier? Does it go away? Or will I be suffering and medicated for life? Is mental illness with me forever?

[Elana05]

Hi dear churchmouse,

This is not your fault.
I know what you mean about our culture (especially lately!) that seems to want to make illness like something we can control. I have read quite a few self-help books in my day, and I remember one of them where the author had the audacity to describe illness as being fundamentally tied to our thoughts (which we could control). True, with any illness it is always best to try to stay positive, but this is beyond that. Can you imagine telling someone with cancer to "tough it out?" or that some daily affirmations should be enough to replace a useful drug therapy?
There have been numerous studies that show that moderate to severe depression responds best to two major therapies when used together: psychotherapy along with antidepressants (or any other needed medication). So this is the best place to start. You are doing the very best you can by asking someone for help. None of us can do this alone. Believe me, I spent years trying: self-help books, meditation, prayer, exercise, etc. It is all good and it all helps. But were talking first about an illness, it must first be addressed as one. Good for you for seeking out help. My deepest good wishes and thoughts are with you!

Elana

Hello, Churchmouse. Do you know why you think you are the cause of the way you feel? Do you think you would feel the same way if you were afflicted with a physical ailment?

Getting better is hard work. I am glad you are getting some guidance. Improving is dependent on how committed you are. Do you walk, do some other kind of exercise?

Be well.

[Laurie1041]

Churchmouse,

Recovery and wellness are within your reach. I wish I had gone to a good therapist a few years ago instead of solely depending on medication to "make me better". Relying on meds without the benefit of an excellent therapist did not teach me any of the necessary coping skills so that I could apply them in my daily life. Pdoc's generally speaking, diagnose and prescribe - but that's about it. My pdoc has not once talked to me about whether or not I have a recovery plan.

I am now working actively (and it is a lot of work - but well worth it) on my recovery and wellness program with my new therapist. For the first time in years, I finally see and feel that recovery and wellness is possible!

May I recommend two workbooks? The Depression and Manic Depression Workbook and WRAPS or WRAPS-PLUS
(Wellness and Recovery Action Plan) by Mary Ellen Copeland. http://www.mentalhealthrecovery.com/

The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) have a ton of information and hold community support groups as well as online forums. I find DBSA to be very, very helpful. http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/Page...?pagename=home

Also it is recommended that you get a full physical (get your Vitamin D levels checked-many people are Vitamin D deficient - including myself), if you are a woman, remember hormones play a big role in our moods, make sure you are up to date on your mammogram (woman), colonoscopy (starting age 50), bone density (woman - post-menopausal), and see your dentist. So many general health issues are neglected when we are in the throes of anxiety and/or depression.

Big hugs,

[boodles]

Churchmouse, you took a great first step by making an appointment. I know it feels like forever and must be so scary for you, but please hang in there. You ask good questions and the resources you're engaging will help you figure it out.

[cheshireKat]

Originally Posted by Churchmouse

I know what depression feels like.
as much as they tell me it is a sickness, I can't help but feel like it is my fault, like I could have stopped this, like I am a horrible, weak, lazy, useless person....why has society made me feel this way? Why have I allowed society to make me feel this way? Or is it society at all? Just like people are afraid to admit they have cancer to themselves, to family, to friends...I am afraid to admit that I have a mental illness.

Mental illness is a medical condition, not a character flaw! The root causes aren't easy to determine--society, perhaps, also traumatic experiences, genetics, environmental factors, and so on...

Admitting to yourself that you have a mental illness will help you confront your problems. I think that if you have confidence in the psychiatric nurse, you should give the meds a chance. If you were diagnosed with diabetes, you probably wouldn't refuse to take insulin.

Admitting to your family and friends will help them understand what you're going through. This doesn't mean that you have to introduce yourself as, "Hi, I'm Churchmouse and I have a mental illness" to everyone you meet.

Laurie makes some great suggestions above about keeping yourself healthy and well-informed. One thing she said that I thought was particularly interesting: "My pdoc has not once talked to me about whether or not I have a recovery plan." Perhaps, as you go through your treatment, you might try to keep your own long-term recovery plan in mind? That's advice that I should take myself...

All the best to you-

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Dear Churchmouse

We know how you are feeling and we really want you to know that it does get better with treatment, whether the treatment is medication & therapy or just therapy (there are some people medication resistant).

The days do get brighter and that black pit somehow we are able to get to the edge and climb out. It does take work but it is worth it and we are sure you can do it. The difficulties you come up against aren't always there, though some are more prevalent than others.

Please be assured that you have friends here and that we will support you no matter what. It is hard to get through some days as you know, but when you have someone there for you at the click of a mouse (no pun intended), things are so much easier to handle and get through. Having someone to "talk" to makes a huge difference and it encourages us not to feel alone but to understand and realise that there are always people around to help and support in some way,

Rhiannon

[Princess_Obsidian]

Greetings,

Please remember to bring up any and all questions/concerns at your appointment. Also, take advantage of this site's, as well as, the many other great mental health resources, which help one study up upon his/her illness.

Have a good one.

[Linda Esposito]

Originally Posted by Churchmouse

I know what depression feels like.
I know what anxiety feels like.
What I don't know is what I am feeling right now.

It's indescribable....but I know I can't continue pretending that everything is ok...I sought help 2 weeks ago tomorrow and am seeing a psychiatric nurse until I get in to see a psychiatrist, which I found out on Thursday will be on October 12. Each day gets harder and harder, if I have even one moment of peace, the anxiety catches on and just takes over...it's like my brain is saying, why are you relaxing, life can't be easy for you, something horrible is bound to happen...I HATE living in constant fear. I am having mixed emotions about starting meds, which my nurse has told me I DO NEED....as much as they tell me it is a sickness, I can't help but feel like it is my fault, like I could have stopped this, like I am a horrible, weak, lazy, useless person....why has society made me feel this way? Why have I allowed society to make me feel this way? Or is it society at all? Just like people are afraid to admit they have cancer to themselves, to family, to friends...I am afraid to admit that I have a mental illness.

When will this get easier? Or will it ever get easier? Does it go away? Or will I be suffering and medicated for life? Is mental illness with me forever?

You don't have to live in constant fear; nor, do you deserve to. Also, society cannot make you feel anything without being complicit in the negative thinking.

Good for you for making the necessary appointments, and for reaching out on this forum. You've made progress already towards symptom relief.

Hang tight, and focus on breathing...