[Elysium]

I feel so transparent right now. Actually, I've been feeling transparent for my whole life. I've never felt like anyone has EVER really noticed ME. They have either seen me for what I could do for them, or what I could give/get them, or how I could make THEM appear, or they've seen me for the things that I am not; but they have NEVER really NOTICED me.

This chronic feeling of being transparent to those around me is worse than being invisible. I would rather be invisible. At least if you are invisible then people just can't see you. They don't make the conscious, or unconscious decisions to blatantly disregard you. If you are invisible, you can not be ignored. If no one can see you, then they don't know you're there...they can't possibly ignore something that CAN'T be noticed.

Everyone in my family sees right through me. My own Mother chooses to ignore who I am as a person. I am a Pagan and studying Wicca. My Mother knows this. She makes NO EFFORT to understand who I am, or how I came to be the person I am. Has she ever once called me to wish me a blessed Mabon, or Yule? No. Yet she continually invalidates who I am by asking me what I want for Christmas, and how I want to celebrate the Christmas holiday. Okay....so she doesn't get Paganism right? WRONG!! It isn't that she doesn't get it, it's that she doesn't recognize ME. It's not difficult to google Wiccan/Pagan Holidays and make an effort to learn a little about them so you can learn about who your child is and what they stand for, is it? And it's not that she is narrow minded...she's not...she's quite open minded and accepting of the differences in culture and religion and such...she just disregards me.

It's the same thing throughout my life. I'm a Nurse. Other than going to my graduation and getting me a gift, has she ever validated that I am a healthcare professional? Nope. I've been a Nurse for 10 years, and not once has she acknowledged me or sent me a card for anything like Nurse's week. She does not even acknowledge that I know anything of importance regarding Healthcare.

I'm a Lesbian. Despite the fact that she is nice to all my gay and lesbian friends and seems quite comfortable talking about sex and sexuality with them, has she ever really NOTICED me for being a lesbian? Again, no. She's never asked me about my thoughts or beliefs on homosexuality and politics/religion, or society for that matter. Never has she outwardly acknowledged important milestones for homosexuals. Never has she called me and engaged me in a conversation about DADT or about what I thought/felt about anything related to homosexuality. It's not that she doesn't agree with homosexuality, again she is open-minded, just doesn't SEE me there in front of her when I'm right in front of her face.

It hurts. It hurts a lot. And it's not just my Mother...it's my entire family. I think there are others here who understand where I am coming from, but I don't know if I am even making sense or if I'm even making the point I want to make.

I don't want to be transparent anymore!! I want to be acknowledged!! Either that or I want to be invisible. I don't think my family will ever acknowledge me for who I am...

I really don't feel like I have the words to describe how I feel inside. I have a favorite Artist named Valery Milovic. Her Art speaks to me on so many levels. It is light and it is dark, and I think it is absolute beauty. She has an on-line web site called "Broken Toyland"; it's where all the broken and forgotten toys go. If you check it out, be gentle with yourselves, her Art can be triggering.

Anyway....I wanted to share some of her Art to express how I feel....

Just follow the link....http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=167141

[splitimage]

Elysium,

I'm sorry you feel so ignored? invalidated? by your Mother.

I have a similar relationship with my brother. It's like we're living in parrallel universes. About the only conversation he feels safe having with me is about work, anything about my music, my MH, my Alcoholism, my friends & it's like this awkward silence descends. I think in my brother's case, it's that my life is so different from anything he's experienced, about the only thing we have in common is that we've both done MBA's, that he just honestly doesn't know how to relate, so he takes the easy way and doesn't ask. It still hurts but I can kind of understand it now.

Maybe your Mother is the same way-you're leading a life very different from hers (religion & sexuality) and maybe she just doesn't know what to say.

I hope someday your family is able to acknowledge you for who you are.

--splitimage

[Gus1234U]

aaah, Elysium,, i see you ~! i know you have Many Many friends on PC, and some of us are talking about starting a Chat Group for Pagans of all sorts... i hope you will keep an eye peeled and join with us. Sadly, life is not about making other people do what we want them to, as your mother is also finding out,,,, but it's about learning how to do what WE want to do,, as you are proving~! keep looking in the mirror, there is ONE person who always sees you ~~~ Best Wishes,,, Gus

[Rohag]

Elysium!
((((((( Elysium )))))))

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( Elysium ))))))))))))))

[lonegael]

((((((((((((Elysium))))))))))))) I know what you mean. If she disagreed with you, she would have to see what you stood for. If she was against your orientation, she would have to actively mobilize her emotions and her energy to meet you, even if she still loved you. This way, she simply doesn't see or connect at all.

Dear, she doesn't do this because of anything wrong with you. She does this because of her own brokeness. And you aren't alone. The difference is that we know we are broken. She hasn't realized it yet.
HUGGGGSSSSSS, and I hope that Midvinterblot (I don't know enough about Paganism to know the English term) was all you could wish it to be.