[hayward]

Ok, this is my 3rd post in 20 minutes.
I am falling apart here, and just want to complain about one more thing. I HATE when I can't just be miserable and fall apart in peace.. I hate having to hide my tears, and I hate having to pretend.
My 2 older kids are here now for the holidays and I am reminded of the pressure I feel to be okay. I don't even do it very well. I understand that I don't need to pretend that I am wonderful if I'm not, and they know I have issues, but I am going crazy.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my 2 kids and I think they are about the only things I have done right. But I don't want them here now. I want to scream at my husband and cry in the privacy of my own home. I do NOT want to have to function. It is making me crazy..We were in the middle of a blizzard, now it's over and yet I have NO place to go.

I am so embarrassed and ashamed that my kids see how worthless I am; they know I have no friends and no life and I am ashamed and pathetic. When they are not here, I can pretend that they don't know this, but when they are here it feels like my sadness will explode from having to keep it in.

I wish they had a happy mom. I am so sorry they don't.

[kikki27]

Originally Posted by hayward

Ok, this is my 3rd post in 20 minutes.
I am falling apart here, and just want to complain about one more thing. I HATE when I can't just be miserable and fall apart in peace.. I hate having to hide my tears, and I hate having to pretend.
My 2 older kids are here now for the holidays and I am reminded of the pressure I feel to be okay. I don't even do it very well. I understand that I don't need to pretend that I am wonderful if I'm not, and they know I have issues, but I am going crazy.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my 2 kids and I think they are about the only things I have done right. But I don't want them here now. I want to scream at my husband and cry in the privacy of my own home. I do NOT want to have to function. It is making me crazy..We were in the middle of a blizzard, now it's over and yet I have NO place to go.

I am so embarrassed and ashamed that my kids see how worthless I am; they know I have no friends and no life and I am ashamed and pathetic. When they are not here, I can pretend that they don't know this, but when they are here it feels like my sadness will explode from having to keep it in.

I wish they had a happy mom. I am so sorry they don't.

I can relate to what you going through Iam like that too sometimes I rather be In my room by myself crying and being along .I dont my family seeing me when Iam not doing my best .Big huggs dont beat your self down you are not worthless .

[lonegael]

Dear hayward. You are their mom. For them you will NEVER be worthless. That is your illness talking. They know more about how you feel than you know. I know mine do. They have an extra sense for it. Please, have faith in their love for you, dear. You will always be special for them, becausethey know your true value more than you know it yourself right now. HUGGGGGSSSSS dear. Rest now for a bit, complain all you need to, then see if there is something you can do to give you a feeliing that you have done something good, no matter how small. The holidays are tough, tough , tough. You deserve some rest.

[Gus1234U]

yes, what lonegael said: too often we believe our own thoughts,, those thoughts are just echoes of lies told to us down thru the years, our worse fears, leaping up to taunt and haunt us. don't listen to them... and emotions are so flimsey, they come and go,, one day they're here, the next they're gone: don't rely upon your feelings to guide your behaviors!! one of my favorite authors has a book called "Start Where You Are"... to me that is so profound,,, accept that we are here, now, and go on from there, instead of wishing and regreting what is not... keep posting,, and best wishes,, Gus

[pegasus]

((((((( hayward ))))))))) Your children will love you regardless of how you are feeling. Treasure them.