Reality checks

My son attends bowling league every Saturday morning. I take him every other week, my ex takes him every other week.

No one talks to me there. My pessimistic mind says that it's because my ex is friends with all of them so he's told them that I'm bitter and evil and a head case. He was actually served legal papers at the bowling alley in March, so I'm pretty sure the majority of the people there are aware of that particular piece of info.

My optimistic mind says that it's just my shyness and that if I talk first, they'll talk back. But I've tried to talk to some of the other moms there when we're sitting at a table in a group, and they all look at me like I'm speaking a foreign language and go back to speaking amongst themselves.

How do I go about finding out why I seem to be so unappealing to talk to without coming across paranoid or suspicious?

I can certainly relate.

You are already seated at the table and they still treat you that way?

I'm thinking up some ideas too, this coffee is hopefully kick starting me brain.

Sarah

((((( Shirley )))))

I have lots of cartoons to break the ice!

I must have some bowling ones stashed somewhere.

Petunia

Yes, we'll all be sitting at a table watching the kids bowl and a convo will be going on, and I'll jump in at the appropriate spots and be met with a stone wall. I'm from out of town and my kids don't go to the same schools. The other moms have schools and all kinds of other activities in common. I'm the odd mom out.

My son moved up one age group this year but the other kids are still in the same group as last year , so I'm hoping with a change of people will come some more chances to interact.

Still, there's that one spot of brain going "The ex is sabotaging you. They all know you served him custody papers and they all think you're a horrible person not worthy of friendship, that's why no one wants to talk to you."

I know how tough those evil "brain spots" are.

Try not to listen. They are poisonous like weed killer!

Petunia

Thanks Pet.
I'll be on the lookout for those bowling cartoons, too.

the ex slug is too lazy to poison everyone's minds. and also, not everyone would listen to him anyway. women generally blow vengeful exes off.

it's your shyness. i'm flying up, in my fairy costume and we'll get things going. THEN they will all want to sit at your table.

Hi Pat. WB

You've got a partial point there. He always says our business is no one else's business. He's always done the "pretend nothing's wrong, and nothing's wrong." So maybe he does that there, too.

The owner's always nice to me (of course he is, I pay him money. LOL) Maybe I should ask him "Hey, what's the deal, how come no one says anything to me? Do I have a booger on my shirt or spinach in my teeth, or what?"

I agree, it is likely shyness.

There may also be a bit of a screen, not a wall, because these others are aware of the situation but don't know what to say. Hopefully that will fade once they get to know you as you and forget about the "situation".

I think Pat in her fairy costume should lighten things up a bit. She can sprinkle fairy dust on all their balls. (I meant bowling...)

Petunia

Hopefully things will improve with the new set of moms. It's always hard to "break into" an established set of people; even without worrying about what the -ex has been up to. Let us know how things are going, if you feel up to it.

Wi_Fighter,

For years, I would attend certain functions with my husband, and not speak to anyone that I didnt already know.... This of course gave me the image of being a total B!!! I didnt talk because for one I didnt know anyone.... for two they all gave me that nose-up -in-the-air-I-am-better than you look.
I finally gave in and said ok that is it..... So with alot of work on myself. I have changed it and now I am still a little nervous around some people, but for the most part I jump right in and start talking and when they give me that look, I just say, hey that is my thoughts.... lol

I know how you feel!!! I hope it gets better for you

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For years, I would attend certain functions with my husband, and not speak to anyone that I didnt already know.... This of course gave me the image of being a total B!!! I didnt talk because for one I didnt know anyone.... for two they all gave me that nose-up -in-the-air-I-am-better than you look.

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THAT'S IT, THAT'S ME AND THAT'S THE LOOK I GET!!!

I have noticed that one of the moms kind of dominates the conversations. One day she was talking and talking and talking to this other mom, and the other woman was just doing a "uh huh" every once in a while and looking around like "get me OUT of here", and the dominant mom just kept yacking away, oblivious that no one was really paying attention.

It's frustrating, because all of these people know each other from years and years of living in the same neighborhoods and kids going to school together. One, I'm shy and don't think I have anything to offer anybody. Two, I'm an outsider to begin with, so that makes it twice as hard.

Guess I need to follow the advice in one of SJ's threads. "To increase your success rate, double your failure rate" (paraphrased).