[whenwillitend]

I don't know where to put this, please feel free to move it.

Is anyone else still affected by the attacks on 9/11? I wasn't there, I didn't lose anyone, yet I can't stop thinking about it. I keep thinking about the images of the people jumping out the windows to their death. I keep trying to put myself in their place, what it must have been like, the fear, the desperation. I think of the people on the airplanes, I keep thinking that there must have been children on those planes, and how scared they must have been, and how horrible it must have been for their parents. Children getting hurt is something that always affects me a lot. Am I the only one who still feels like this? After 9 years? Is that even remotely normal?

Hello, whenwillitend. What does your therapist say?

[whenwillitend]

I haven't talked to her about this. I feel stupid, as, like I said, I wasn't there and I didnt' lose anyone. I feel like it shouldn't affect me anymore.

There is no reason to feel stupid. Your therapist is there to help.

[hayward]

It's not stupid and I think it's perfectly normal to think about it sometimes (though it does seem like you should talk to someone if you think about it a lot).

9/11 is not just a tragedy that affects people that you think are "directly involved". It is a horrific event that shakes everyone to the core of their lives, their safety, the future. And it was played out so visually, worldwide; the images stark and surreal. And it was so close to home, too close to put it in that "it's far away, I can't do anything about it, it's not me" mindset.

Sometimes when I walk outside and the weather is like it was that day, the sky blue and clear, I remember any my heart stops for a minute. I remember waiting for my kids to get off of the school bus, and never wanting to let them out of my sight. I remember , for the first time ever, wondering if tomorrow would come, if this was the beginning of the end. So so scary. And that was even before we knew the details, the heartbreaking stories.

How can something like that not affect people?? I am sobbing as I write this.

[venusss]

I have been half way around the world... but yes, I am somehow still affected. 9-11 was a defining moment in our history. It was when we realized that collapse of Cold War was not the "end of history", when the line between here (peace and prosperity) and over there (where wars happened) disappeared.

I still get cold shivers when I see the images... I still feel the loss of illusions, I sometimes ponder in the night if there will be winners in this clash... and I obsess more about what was going in minds of those terrorists...



(and yes, I wrote some poetry invovling "glass and steel temples" and "metal birds" and "disturbed skylines").

[sundog]

I don't think you're stupid at all! ((((((whenwillitend))))))

The biggest way that 9/11 continues to impact my life is through my fear of flying. I was in the air on 9/11, flying from London to Los Angeles. Our plane got turned back to London halfway into the flight. Even though everyone on our plane was really lucky because we were totally safe, it still made me very fearful of flying. And every time I fly now I think about what those airline passengers in the hijacked planes on 9/11 must have experienced......Since that time my fear of flying has increased not decreased. And I don't think that is so unusual. The idea that time makes everything easier is not always true.

Good luck to you (((((whenwillitend)))))

[KathyM]

(((Whenwillitend))) - I know how you feel.

My ex-husband was a Chicago fireman. Back in 1981 I vividly remember being at work and hearing breaking news that two fireman had been killed in a high rise fire. My husband was at work, it was his shift, and it was his station/truck that responded to that fire. My heart was in my throat. I couldn't call the firehouse because they were still all out there. All I could do was wait and pray my husband had not been killed. When I found out who died, I was heartbroken because I knew both of them very well.

Here's the story, in case you're interested...

http://www.fsi.illinois.edu/content/library/IFLODD/search/Firefighter.cfm?ID=218

I may not have known anyone who perished on 9/11, but I can certainly relate to their terror and pain. Like you, I can't help but feel horrible knowing their final moments were so terrifying.

I'm sure each and every one of those victims are grateful you remember them and care so deeply about how they died. It doesn't do anyone any good to fret too deeply over what they experienced - or place yourself in their shoes for any length of time. Those who have perished are no longer in need of saving, their terror has ended for them, and they are no longer in pain. It would be more beneficial to focus on sending warm thoughts and prayers to the friends and families of those victims.

[whenwillitend]

Thank you all for the kind words.

We actually PCS'd to Germany a few days after 9/11, and I remember being scared to death of flying that day. Security at the airport was insane. They actually shut down the airport we were supposed to fly out of, and they put us on a bus and drove us 5 hours to a different airport. It was all very surreal and scary. I remember, while waiting to board the plane, looking around, trying to figure out if anyone looked like a terrorist.

I actually do that a lot, try to put myself in someone else's shoes. Like whenever someone gets murdered, or dies in a car crash, anything like that, I try to imagine what it must have been like, what they went through. I don't know why I do that, but it makes reading the news really hard. Like yesterday, when there was a report of a fire that took four children's lives while the mother stood outside and had to watch. It still affects me what her and the kids went through.

Whenever I hear songs about the attacks, it brings up the images from that day, the way it felt, watching it on tv that morning. We were in the middle of PCS'ing and staying at my husband's aunt's house. My husband went to work with them that morning, I was still in bed when the phone started ringing. I didn't answer at first, since it's nto my house. But it kept ringing and ringing, so eventually I got up and answered the phone. It was my husbnad, telling me to turn on the tv. It was right before the second plane hit the towers.
I know all of you are right, but I still feel stupid to be so affected by this.

[shezbut]

I don't think that you're unusual at all.

September 11 holds a very special place in my memory. I didn't lose any loved ones, nor have I ever even been to New York. In my opinion, it felt as though all of our emotional walls fell down in those days surrounding the tragedy. We were one, we realized our humanity, our fragility. Terrifying. That humanity did give us something wonderful that I wish we could get back into our daily lives: sensitivity for others. We really cared.

It didn't matter if we were 20 or 20,000 miles away from the tragedies. People from all the world were travelling on those airplanes. I cannot imagine the horror that they felt. It scares the hell out of me when I imagine it!! I honestly don't think that will ever go away from my life.

I keep control of my blown up emotions by choosing not think about the tragedy too often. Otherwise, those intense emotions can grow a life of their own in my world pretty quickly. That's just the way I am..very emotional. I therefore feel the need to control how often I give myself access to drama. Sounds kind of pathetic, as I read this...But, that's just the way it is for me. Maybe you should try that??

Gentle hugs

[Michah]

Hi there,

9/11 was like throwing a rock in to a pond. The ripples of that horrific event travelled around the world. There is nothing more contagious than fear, and it had its desired effect. It is not surprising that you still feel fear or experience triggers from that awful day, and our hearts in Oz went out to those people that perished and the ones left behind. I am surprised, and it is a testament to the heart of America, that anyone could get past that day.

So, the thing I think of when fear abounds caused by things I cannot control, is that fear cannot beat me. If this sounds contrite, I deeply apologise, but giving in to the fear, gives power to the ones who cause the fear. Know that even though it has made you afraid, which is totally to be expected, it holds no power over you. In other words, know if for what it is and do not fight it. Do not try to "get over it". Of course, if it is causing you terrible grief, maybe you need to talk about it over and over again, so you can conceptualise it. Fear becomes less potent when you bring it from within, to without.

Take care of your precious self,

Michah

[sabby]

I agree with what Michah has said, and others as well.

One thought that has come to my mind is that you are a very sensitive individual and very empathetic. I too, am extremely empathetic and often feel the pain (of course not the exact same pain) as what others are going through. It physically hurts me when I hear of suffering and terror.

I flew internationally for the first time in my life less than 3 weeks after 9-11. I had only flown one other time from New England to Baltimore 2 years earlier. My family thought I had a screw loose for flying then. My belief was that the flights couldn't be any safer than they were then. Everyone was on high alert and if someone tried something they would have been nuts!

I do understand what you are saying.....I am still affected and always will be by the horror of 9-11. But I have to believe that there is something positive that can come out of this negative. I have to believe that many many people learned things from that day. I have to believe that they did not suffer for nothing....their deaths, the terror and pain all meant something. By thinking in those terms, I'm able to bring my anxiety, pain and difficult thoughts to a level I can deal with that won't affect me negatively.

No, you definitely are not the only one who feels this as deeply as you do. I'm sorry that it is so difficult for you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with speaking to your T about this. T will not laugh, will not judge and will see it for what it is.....empathy and possibly even a little PTSD that I think many suffer from because that was all we saw, over and over and over again on tv. I know I had some PTSD over it all.....it was good to work through it!

Wishing you well.

[spiritual_emergency]

I had picked this book up several years ago. I found it insightful for not only understanding fragmentation within individuals but also, fragmentation within cultures and between nations and idealogies.

Transforming Our Terror: A Spiritual Approach To Making Sense Of Senseless Tragedy

This timely volume speaks to all who continue to suffer in the wake of the September 11, 2001 attack on New York's World Trade Center. The author, a teacher of Buddhist principles and meditation methods, describes how sadness affects the human psyche. He begins by pointing out the relationship between happiness and sorrow, and suggests beneficial ways of coping with loss.

A subsequent chapter deals with anger and the desire for vengeance and includes advice on ways to reverse these feelings, transforming them into positive emotions and acts. He presents ideas designed to help readers make sense of aging, illness, pain, and death, and he discusses ways in which we can rid ourselves of the preconception that people who are unlike ourselves are evil.

Readers are instructed on methods of meditation, presented with resources to correct faulty perceptions of the outside world, and advised on ways to transcend tragic events and renew their lives with new directions and fresh priorities. The text includes brief, inspiring stories that tell how men and women from many walks of life have dealt with personal tragedy and enriched their lives and future.


Source: Transforming Our Terror: A Spiritual Approach to Making Sense of Senseless Tragedy ~ Christopher Titmuss


You can also listen to the author read a portion of the book here: Dealing With Authority and its Abuse

[lonegael]

I remember sitting in our kitchen when my husband ran in and said, "there's been an accident, a plane has crashed into one of the twin towers." By the time we got to the big house (the main house on our farm and the one that then had TV reception) they were falling.
It was clear then what had happened. I remember I could handle it until my husband started screaming and cussing at the TV. I ran out of the house and into the forest and just sat. I couldn't even cry.
Since then I have seen a real change in my people, and one that has not been good. My mother for example has become a woman who is utterly paranoid, utterly hateful, even though she knows far fewer people from the middle east than I do. She is relatively safe where she is, but she won't stop trying to tell me and my children how evil and unforgiviing they are. I have finally had to ask her why she has become such a great follower of Al Qaida that she has taken on their attitude towards forgiveness and tolerance for others. I know all too many others who have become like her.
I understand the fear, but I can't agree with allowing it to change who I am, force me to adopt someone elses priorities and so-called values. I refuse to become like some lunatic just because I would be safer doing so. There are actually worse things than dying, and for me, that is one of them! There is a way of combatting what these people are trying to do, and part of that is simply by knowing that they do not speak for anyone but themselves. For myself, that is knowing that yes, there is the chance that I might be killed by a young man with no understanding of religion beyond what he is told by a vicious false teacher, but I am more likely to be killed because some bus driver overestimates his ability to handle these icy roads, and I cannot afford to allow either to control my life until then. HUGGGS!

[KathyM]

I agree Lonegael. It was only a matter of a couple of days before the people around here became hungry for revenge and headed over to the local mosque. They used their American flags as "torches" to intimidate our Muslim community.

One of my Palestinian neighbors was rounded up under suspicion of being a "terrorist" because he collected food and clothing to send to his friends and family in need. It was merely for charity. They couldn't get anything out of him, so they sent him to Israel for interrogation.

He was brutally tortured daily for several years but yielded no results. They sent him back to the U.S. for more "enhanced" interrogation. Between the two countries, they tried every trick in the book to get him to confess to being a "terrorist."

After all those years, he finally had his day in court - NOT GUILTY! I knew this all along because I used to help him care for his family when I worked for a pediatrician. He would often bring in his nieces and nephews in for their appointments when their mothers were unavailable. He was a very good, kind, and caring man - and he loved his family dearly. I could tell because I could see it in the faces of his nieces and nephews. I could hear it in his wife's voice. They loved him as much as I loved my father, and as much as I love my husband.

It breaks my heart to think of the torture that innocent man had to endure in order to satisfy my community's hunger for revenge. It resolves nothing. It only heightens the pain and fear, and causes it to ripple.

[yellowted]

9/11 will always be in my thoughts, it happened exactly a year to the day before my beloved partner died, i always remember what happened in america as i feel the same loss as all those who lost people the year before me! there has not been a year pass that i have not thought of all those people, even remember what i was doing at the time and how i explained it to my class of children xx

[Leed]

I will always remember 9/11. I was watching TV that morning when it happened, but I was also in tears because it was the first time I had spent my husband's birthday without him - he had died the previous March. Yes, 9/11 was his birthday - so that day has double meaning for me. I'm so glad Dave didn't have to see the tragedy ~ he was a gentle man, but that would have made him MAD.

Never feel stupid for your feelings - they are genuine and REAL. No one can help how they feel - God bless. Hugs, Lee

[KathyM]

It was horrifying and surreal to see that played out on the TV screen. My son was a young teenager then. Later in the evening, a friend of his came over as my son was watching the replays on TV. When my son told him to check out the clip, his friend's face lit up and he said "COOL!" - he thought it was an "action and adventure" movie at first. It was hard for him to wrap his head around that one because the kid really liked to watch explosions and implosions on TV.

I turned on the TV just after the first building was hit and watched it all play out. After the initial shock, I thought of all my friends and loved ones. I also recalled all those conversations I had with my doctors, residents, medical students and patients. Many of them came from war-torn countries and had stories that were inconceivable to me. What happened to us on 9/11 was daily life for them.

One of my closest friends was a woman from Iraq. She started out as a first-year resident, still wet behind the ears, lol. She blossomed into one of the most brightest physicians, specializing in pediatric infectious disease. She had a LOT of family in Iraq, and I know she loved them dearly. They depended on her. Unfortunately, she contracted meningitis from one of her patients and died in 1998. When the rest of the U.S.A. was "cheering" over Bush's "shock and awe" display, I was crying for Margaret's family. They had already been through sooooo much.

[madisgram]

no you're not stupid, will.i believe each of us responds to trauma differently. in my case i decided i can't watch the tv shows rerunning the events. it is too upsetting for me. one of my sons lived near the dead zone. i couldn't reach him by phone and like your hubby it was terrifying not knowing if he was ok. today i still have fears-one that it will happen again somewhere in the USA, two-i can't fly and used to do it all the time before 9/11, and three-when i see a plane in the air it makes me scared.
i encourage you to talk with your T so he can help you. it helped me a lot to do this. my T had gone to NY to help others traumatized. so he saw the fallout of ppl who needed help. that even was beneficial in my discussions with him.
as you can see i still have strong reactions about that horrific day.

[purple_fins]

Yes, I too occassionally feel affected by 9/11.

I have pictures of my sons standing on the observation deck of the tower(south tower)-- on 6-11-2001. (they were little then) Our very first time to New York, the east coast for that matter.
We were there exactly three months before--the attack.

we arrived at the tower around 9:00am and up the elevators we went... I was scared though, so I decided to read and watch the videos two floors below the top deck(terrible fear of heights-- yea like floor 108 is way lower than floor 110!?!)... there was an escalator that took people two floors up from the video deck/food court floor, where I decided to be- it took people on up to the observation deck that was outside. I stayed below at the video deck as my family all went on top- to the outside.
I walked from video to video, believing in the illusion that glass windows would protect, each video showing and then describing what view you're looking at from each vantage point.

then, husband came down the escalator exclaiming-- "Oh fins, you just have to come up top! It's so awesome- it's still and quiet, it's not frightening at all" so, with some added courage I went up with him to the top......

it was just like he said-- still and quiet- so calm. That day was clear and beautiful. The tiny little cars below, like ants on a trail, quietly all followed each other... people in them, going about their day, buses that looked to be pill bugs(rolly pollys) manuevering between the "ants"... it was really something .... I'll never forget it... I have the photo of my boys-- standing there on the building in the sky--
a reminder of what once was....
a beautiful clear day-- just like it would be three months later......

as I watched the tragedy unfold that Tuesday in September...... my heart sank, I thought of the workers up there on the video deck/food court floor-- the ones getting the grills ready for the days lunch time, chopping the lettuce for the side salads..... I thought of all the video machines full of interesting information and facts that suddenly quit replaying every 10 minutes... I thought of that two story escalator going up to the outside deck that must have followed many people, free falling down 100 stories.....
and....
I thought of my sons.....
three months to that day, were right there on the top of the building in the sky.....

fins

1-5-2011

[yellowted]

Originally Posted by Leed

I will always remember 9/11. I was watching TV that morning when it happened, but I was also in tears because it was the first time I had spent my husband's birthday without him - he had died the previous March. Yes, 9/11 was his birthday - so that day has double meaning for me. I'm so glad Dave didn't have to see the tragedy ~ he was a gentle man, but that would have made him MAD.

Never feel stupid for your feelings - they are genuine and REAL. No one can help how they feel - God bless. Hugs, Lee

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Lee))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Uprwestsdr]

I'm a New Yorker, I was here on 9/11. My neighbor died (left a wife and three children under 6) and I know two people who ended up with PTSD after leaving the towers.
What triggers a memory for me is seeing a crystal clear blue sky as it was on that day and hearing jets that sound like fighter jets, which we had here for a while.

Here's the reality of the situation: the vast majority of people who lost someone have moved on with their lives. The wife of my neighbor who died has remarried and the children are a decade older, they have a father. People who were really here are all much stronger for it. A friend with PTSD has medication and gets therapy. He's told me he really doesn't think about it either.

And should fearful or negative thinking surface I change the channel (my brain) by deciding I want to watch another show.

[Lilleth]

It's not something that can be forgotten I live in the uk and I remember comming in and putting on the tv and seeing the towers on fire I asked my son what film were they showing as it never accured to me that it was real. It was a shock to me when I realised it was real and happening. I had to fly a few weeks after I was not afraid of flying but what upset me was that some idiot on the plane must have thought it hilarious to take talcum powder and spay it all over the toilets after all the talk of the antrax powder. I got ill when I was away sickness and vomiting and although I know it was maybe something I ate that made me ill. It took months for me to recover and even up to this day my stomach has not been right. Then we had the bombing on the tubes over here (underground) and buses. I work across from one of the stations and heard the bangs and having to try and find a way out of the area when I finished work then having to come back later on as I had people to go visit as I am a carer having to go pass the refriguation units outside the station where we all know were being used to store the body parts and seeing it from the windows each day. All that stays in my mind I was in a panic because one of my son work on the undergound and another worked in the city. I could not contact them and trying to make my way out of the area to get home it never accured to me that they would be panicing as they knew I work in the area and they had been phoning home and not getting an answer.

I never lost anyone but it brought home to me that we are not safe and that wars are still going on. Our world is a small place and some of us seem bent on destroying us all. believing their way of life and beliefs are more important than anyone elses. I lived through the IRA bombings in London and just got on with life but after the Towers and the London bombings I feel a sense of hopelessness especially when I am very depressed I am afraid all the time. This is the only world we have. Nothing feels safe anymore.

[Uprwestsdr]

If you want to read about what people went through after the event, I recommend Gail Sheehy's "Middle America", about a town in New Jersey lost an inordinate number of people and this is about survivors lives afterward. It's a wonderful story about how resilient people are and how they bounce back after even the biggest tragedy. Of course we all remember, we just don't stay stuck back there. And having gone through it I'm very grateful for that -- it was a nightmare for a while.

[whenwillitend]

Thank you all for the replies. Now I don't feel like such a weirdo anymore. As soon as I find the courage to do so I will bring it up with my t.