Everything I want to say...

I want to explain everything to myself in writing, so I guess I'll just begin rambling here, if that's ok.... I just feel so much emotion right now, so much left for interpretation since I have no idea what it means. I feel like I want to say everything at once but there's something standing in my way...I just want to write it down. I want to make sense of it all. So much sadness, so much guilt for feeling sad. It's due to the books I read, the stuff I'm interested in - memoirs of those dealing with psychiatric issues and my poems and letters in reaction to those stories. There's so much emotion behind this and I feel that nothing short of psychoanalysis will begin to uncover it all. I'm sorry for rambling...I just desperately want to make sense of this, to get it out in the open in a place of anonymity. Can someone help me? Tomorrow's therapy session I hope should be interesting. There's so much more to what I'm feeling than this short little paragraph but this is as much as I can put into words at the moment.

If it means anything, the book I'm reading now is called "wasted" by Marya Hornbacher.

hi indie, first and formost i'd stop reading that kind of book. they seem to trigger you. i don't watch much news cause it does the same to me.
however please be kinder to your self re guilt. you just need help to vent irl. seeing your T should definitely help. start anywhere you feel more comfortable/safer with your T. i'd also print out your post cause it may give your T insight. hope this may help.

I do have to be in a certain frame of mind to read books dealing with mental illness--even the writings of the people on PC. For example, if I'm depressed, it's just not healthy for me to read poems about depression.

By the way, hello! It's good to hear from you. I'm glad you're seeing your T. Do you keep a journal? Sometimes that helps. As I've mentioned several places on PC, humor is healthy for people. Research has even shown it's healthy for people with schizophrenia! I read joke books (and post some of the jokes here), plus I do light reading sometimes. I don't force myself to read something that I don't feel like reading. And the same is true about depressing TV shows and movies. I saw the old movie "1984" and it really upset me. I watched it to the end, but I really shouldn't have! We have to start being our own parents as we get older. Just because we CAN do something doesn't mean that we should choose to do it!

Hope you'll feel better soon!

{{{{Indie}}}} glad to see you are getting to a puter now and then, and hope to see more of you... glad you have a RL Therapist, too,, hope you feel better soon, , best wishes,, Gus

Hey

I'm sorry you're struggling right now. I agree with the others that sometimes reading those kind of books can only make things worse. A suggestion I have is to read things that are a bit more positive. For example, I have a book full of positive quotes which can be used to read when I'm feeling a little bit down. It's good to surround yourself with positive things when you're not feeling so positive yourself. So I'd stop reading those books, and maybe try something a bit more light hearted and positive. It might really help. Hope you feel better soon.

Thanks for the help everyone I talked to my therapist about this...she doesn't necessarily think I should stop reading them, but she knows we need to figure out why this means so much to me. She does agree, actually, that analysis and similar therapies would be more helpful for what I'm looking for than CBT. Maybe I'll pursue analysis some day, who knows?