[Martina]

I don't think I have ever in my life truly been happy for more than a fleeting moment. I would give anything to know what it feels like to honestly, truly, be happy.

One of the happiest moments in my life was when I gave birth to my little girl - and it was great! Until I couldn't breastfeed her and the postpartum hormones hit me like a train wreck.

Another happy moment was my wedding. He finally said "I do!" But I couldn't truly be happy because I was secretly ashamed of what all my family & friends would think of me when the found out I was pregnant on my wedding day. My family and most of my friends back then were deeply religious (I am not).

In 2007 I lost 75 pounds, got a great job, moved to another state (because I wanted to), and I thought I was really happy. Then I fell into a deep dark depression which resulted in 3 suicide attempts (one almost fatal) and a manic episode in-between where I cheated on my husband and spent over $7,000 on nothing.

But I'm not just Bipolar, I'm Borderline, and my pnurse has been medicating the hell out of me for 3 years while failing to realize that MEDS DO NOTHING FOR BORDERLINE! I finally have a new therapist that does DBT - until she moved here, there wasn't a single therapist trained in DBT in my area. I'm hopeful, but it's going to take forever to get anywhere.

Just a couple weeks ago, I just started on the Wellbutrin and it was starting to really work and man, I felt GOOD! But then I had a bit too much coffee and they asked a few questions and deemed me hypomanic. So more meds. And now I feel like sht again.

Why can't I know what happiness feels like? Am I not worthy?

Hello, Martina. You are worthy. Keep working at it.

[missbelle]

You are definately worthy.....I think happiness comes and goes...I don't think its always present because when we are not happy, we remember the feeling and want it back!!! We change, life changes, and no one can always be that happy.....I guess those beautiful moments of happiness should be cherished and enjoyed. We take so much for granted! Sometimes we don't feel well..etc...life happens......I want to be happy all the time, but I think its unrealistic for me. Maybe serene, content, quiet. I will take all those emotions too......and then there is grief.......people die, jobs end, pets die........I know grief, and I know happiness because I have felt it all..Thats why I know what happiness is...because of the other emotions I have felt. So when true happiness comes, I know it, and embrace it because I know its fleeting.

You are alright....the other feelings are part of life.....and because we have an illness, we feel we should be happier more...but it is what it is......cherish the happy moments...go with the flow....

thinking of you today!

[michael robledo]

Originally Posted by Martina

I don't think I have ever in my life truly been happy for more than a fleeting moment. I would give anything to know what it feels like to honestly, truly, be happy.

One of the happiest moments in my life was when I gave birth to my little girl - and it was great! Until I couldn't breastfeed her and the postpartum hormones hit me like a train wreck.

Another happy moment was my wedding. He finally said "I do!" But I couldn't truly be happy because I was secretly ashamed of what all my family & friends would think of me when the found out I was pregnant on my wedding day. My family and most of my friends back then were deeply religious (I am not).

In 2007 I lost 75 pounds, got a great job, moved to another state (because I wanted to), and I thought I was really happy. Then I fell into a deep dark depression which resulted in 3 suicide attempts (one almost fatal) and a manic episode in-between where I cheated on my husband and spent over $7,000 on nothing.

But I'm not just Bipolar, I'm Borderline, and my pnurse has been medicating the hell out of me for 3 years while failing to realize that MEDS DO NOTHING FOR BORDERLINE! I finally have a new therapist that does DBT - until she moved here, there wasn't a single therapist trained in DBT in my area. I'm hopeful, but it's going to take forever to get anywhere.

Just a couple weeks ago, I just started on the Wellbutrin and it was starting to really work and man, I felt GOOD! But then I had a bit too much coffee and they asked a few questions and deemed me hypomanic. So more meds. And now I feel like sht again.

Why can't I know what happiness feels like? Am I not worthy?

Yes! your worth it. I really can't say what happiness is for anyone, but I know I was confused between the usage of the two word: happy and content. I narrowed it down that happiness is great, its when I get a new pair of shoes, fill the gas tank, or recognized for a job well done. These moments come and go, and I'm grateful. Now, content well that totally different, it's knowing that I'm okay, I know myself, my abilities (now/past), success, confident, and resposible for any failures. This feeling of confidence with with me all the time. Its' real I earned and worked for it; know one can take it from me, unless I decided to give it away. I'm okay with who I am. I do what I can with confidence if I fail fine if I don't well good for me. Contentment is there as a foundation.

[Umbral_Seraph]

I don't know what it's like to be borderline or bipolar but I do know about not be able to feel happiness during happy times.