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Old Nov 15, 2005, 03:17 PM
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Maven Maven is offline
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Location: South Jersey, USA
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I'm going through a lot, but don't have the time to post everything I'd like to (plus, it's better off split off into respective forums, and I'm still limited to three posts a day, so I have to put everything in no more than that), so I'm just going to post a short message to get out some of my thoughts.

My life is nowhere close to where I want it to be, and I'm well past the age I wanted to be when I achieved certain things. In fact, my age now restricts my ability to achieve some of the things I want to. I'm stuck in a bad situation.

For one thing, I have a boyfriend who sometimes is helpful and understanding, but much of the time, he is not. He doesn't hold me or kiss me and we haven't had sex in over six years. There are issues with sex for me--vaginal pain--but I'll get more into that in a future post. But I still want to be wanted. Nevertheless, he isn't who I want to be with, and he doesn't want to be with me, because we have different goals in life, and he, understandably, doesn't want to live with my OCD and panic disorder.

I have dreams I haven't achieved, and I feel like such a loser. I've let so many things pass me by, I've made mistakes, and I haven't been strong. Some things weren't my fault, but some things were. I still want to make those dreams come true as much as possible, but I can't figure out how.

I need money to get out of here, and can't make money because I can't work. Plus, I'm not qualified or educated to work in a job that pays enough to get me out of here in time to achieve my dreams. I also don't have transportation for a job. My boyfriend is my only transportation, and he's tired after work, so I rarely get out. I want to get out this week, because I haven't been out for a couple of weeks or so, except for grocery shopping, but he says it's a "crazy week." Plus, Friday, he'll be going away for Thanksgiving for about 10 days, and I'll be stuck here, taking care of his bird. Don't get me wrong--I'm invited, and I love his bird. But my OCD won't let me go, plus my mom is down this way, and she wants me close.

Which brings me to another problem. My mom, I love her, but she is emotionally like a child in many ways, and doesn't understand a lot of things intellectually. She wouldn't like it if I moved to California to pursue my dreams. When I mentioned the possibility that I was going to CA a few years ago (when my boyfriend thought he might have to move there for work--I was so excited, but it didn't happen), she said, "That would be awfully far from Mom." I thought my sister was supportive of me, but I found out then that she isn't. Everyone expects me to be happy with what will make them happy. But I'm my own person and can't be happy with what will please others. I'm filled with so much guilt.

I've missed out on so much. I feel so miserable. I cry a lot. But crying itself is stress-inducing, because I suffer from dry eye, and crying causes my eyes to act up. I have conjunctivitis from the dry eye--and yes, I've tried all sorts of eye drops, which can make it worse in the long run and are expensive--and besides all the other problems I have with sleep, the dry eyes bothering me can make it difficult to get to sleep.

I'm obese, so there's issues with that. I especially love sugary things.

I want to get out and be free, and date, and have a happy life. I'm so tired of all this crap. When I cry, I have no one to hold me or anything. I feel like a burden to everyone. In fact, I know I am, because I told my boyfriend my feelings years ago, and he admitted I can be a burden. He knows I don't mean to be, and he knows how hard life is for me, but he was just being honest.

Before anyone asks, yes, I have a med-shrink. I did have a talk-shrink, but I had trouble keeping appointments, and he wasn't helping, anyway. I've been in therapy of one form or another (including hypnosis) for about 27 years. I've been on meds of one or another or a combination for that long, too. I'm getting off them. I've already posted about that a little bit in the drug forum.

Well, I'll leave it at this. I'll tell you more when I'm able.
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If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream.

Equal Rights Are Not Special Rights


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  #2  
Old Nov 15, 2005, 04:14 PM
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SpazKatt SpazKatt is offline
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*hugs*
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  #3  
Old Nov 15, 2005, 04:21 PM
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dear one, in 10 years, you'll look back and ask yourself why you didn't live for yourself....i did. i could have been a veterinarian but put it aside to support a law student. plus my mother didn't want me to work in a "man's" profession. do what is best for you and that is what works for you and makes you happiest. love, pat
  #4  
Old Nov 15, 2005, 04:47 PM
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Maven Maven is offline
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I would if it were that simple. I don't have the means to do it.
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If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream.

Equal Rights Are Not Special Rights

  #5  
Old Nov 15, 2005, 06:33 PM
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Greenleaves Greenleaves is offline
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(((((((((((Maven)))))))))))))

Sorry things are rough for you. I hope you give yourself credit for the things you have been able to achieve. Don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe try to have a little fun?
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  #6  
Old Nov 15, 2005, 06:46 PM
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jmo531 jmo531 is offline
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((((((((((((((((((((Maven))))))))))))))))))))))

Welcome to PC and thank you for sharing your story with us. I look forward to more posts from you and getting to know you better.


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  #7  
Old Nov 15, 2005, 06:56 PM
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dexter dexter is offline
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I am so sorry for you Maven but want to encourage you to pursue your dreams however you can. Don't think in terms of obsticals, think in terms of solutions. Money is always a problem. Can you apply for a grant to do what you want or try to get financial aid to go to school if that will bring you toward your goals? I'm not meaning to offer specific solutions as much as to show that there are always options we can take, but we often won't allow ourselves to see those options because depression shields up from them.

>>because I told my boyfriend my feelings years ago, and he admitted I can be a burden.

I hate that anyone would ever say this to you. "Burden" is in the eye of the beholder. You can never be a "burden" to someone who supposedly cares for you and loves you. Look at it this way... you have some difficulties... things that make life very hard for you in some way. You carry that weight yourself. Someone comes along and, because he recognizes your value, he offers to help you carry some of your weight. It is not a "burden" it is a part of having a close connection with someone, there are always good things and hard things and you accept them and help where you can. If you can't, then you move on. That person wasn't for you. It is his choice to help you, to be around you, for him to call you a "burden" sounds just mean or manipulative on his part... or maybe he just wasn't thinking at the time.
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  #8  
Old Nov 15, 2005, 07:34 PM
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dottie dottie is offline
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Welcome Maven. We have something in common. I am a Microwave Maven. That's my unofficial title for some in my family and friends. Sorry for your troubles. Thanks for sharing a part of you in this forum. That takes guts!!! I have a tendency to keep things inside..until i am triggered and then all heck breaks loose with me. Not healthy!! I am looking forward to talking with you at sometime in the near future. Getting a Little of It Out Getting a Little of It Out
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  #9  
Old Nov 15, 2005, 08:25 PM
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SilkySpeed7 SilkySpeed7 is offline
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Welcome. I dont understand why you can only make three posts a day? DO what makes YOU happy.......It's your life............(((((((maven)))))))))
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  #10  
Old Nov 16, 2005, 02:09 PM
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Maven Maven is offline
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Thanks, all. I realize there's a lot you have to learn about me to understand why some of the solutions that have been and will be suggested won't work for me. Some have already been suggested in my life.

I tried to go back to college. I'm really angry about the fact that when I was young, in high school, I was given misinformation, and thought I couldn't go to a state college without having had college prep courses in high school, or without going to community college first. I only found out two or three years ago that I could have gone to a state school, and maybe would have been in a better place now.

Anyway, I applied, got in, even got financial aid. But I found out, I still couldn't get in, because I couldn't afford the money that would have to come out of my pocket. Almost every penny of my Social Security goes to my boyfriend for rent and bills and money I owe him. The rest (about $20-50) has to cover monthly needs--which it really doesn't. I'd rather go to school in California, but I figured I could at least start college here and hopefully find a way to transfer. In any case, it would give me an education.

One of my plans is to write, but I need my own computer for that; I don't have enough time on my boyfriend's computer. My mom sold her house/is selling her house (I don't understand it too well), and says she'll get me a laptop when she has the money. (I didn't ask her for this; she offered.) But, while I don't blame her, she told me this back in March, expecting this to happen in about a month, and it still hasn't happened. She says it's something having to do with the lawyer. I don't know if I write well enough to make the kind of money I need, but it's something.

Greenleaves, the problem is...I haven't achieved much at all. I'm not saying I haven't accomplished anything--I can type, which I learned in high school (I'd intended to learn the first chance I got when my parents got me an electric typewriter when I was a kid), I'm pretty good at web design (although not so much with scripting languages; however, I can get pre-written scripts working, usually, and have learned to figure out some things), and there might be some things I'm not thinking of right now, but the problem is, I'm not an expert at anything. I don't know anything well enough to do it for a business. Plus, again, there are problems. For instance, I can't have people in my apartment to do web design, plus I don't know business well enough, and I don't know anything but HTML really well.

Dexter, he's not the only one who's told me or made me feel like a burden. My parents, too. I disagree, though...I think you can love someone and they can still be a burden. People who are elderly or very sick and need special care can't help it, but I took care of my dad when he was dying, and it was overwhelming. Just because I don't want to be a burden, doesn't mean I'm not one. And just because it hurts feelings, doesn't make it less true.

Dottie, what's a "Microwave Maven"? Getting a Little of It Out

Vulgerlove, I found out a couple days ago, when I tried to make a 4th post, that I couldn't make more that day. I emailed DocJohn and he told me I have to make 15 total posts (which will take 5 or more days, depending if I post 3x each day or not), to be able to post freely.

Just to be clear, if I could get out and live on my own, I'd pursue my dreams, guilt or not. I've never NOT intended to pursue my career. It's just a lot of things that got in the way.

Oh, and one other thing...I'm scared as hell. But I know what works for me and what doesn't, and I get tired of therapists telling me to do what I've tried over and over, just because they've seen it work for some. One of the other things I've seen, and this isn't just with therapists, but people in general, when you meet someone new, they want you to try something you've tried with others before them, but even if you say you've tried, they act like your experiences before don't count, and want you to try it for them. It's only once for them, but it might be 10 or 12 times for you. Just because they haven't seen your attempts, doesn't mean you haven't tried.
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Maven

If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream.

Equal Rights Are Not Special Rights

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