My daughter is undergoing testing to get an official ASD diagnosis. I have not yet begun that process, but I will. I strongly suspect both of us are going to be told we are Aspie or some other ASD. I also have a mother with a very forceful personality. She did something to me years ago, and I now find out that she has done the same to my daughter.

In my case, it was a family reunion. I traveled from several states away to attend, and brought with me the outfit I planned to wear. Dear mother didn't think the blouse and skirt matched properly. She said, "I know why you want to wear it, so you can wear the blouse. But it just won't work. Let me take you out shopping." Well, if her motive had actually been to help, she would have bought another skirt that matched the blouse better. But no. She forced upon me this perfectly hideous *thing* that went on the way a swimsuit does, buttoned at the shoulder, and covered as much as a t-shirt and shorts. That's right, I was a grown woman and the mother of two children, and she made me go to a family reunion in a ROMPER!!! Not only that, it was a pastel blue-and-white stripe that made me look like a gigantic Easter egg, cut in a way that caused me to look as big as a bus, and had shoulders that kept slipping down and showing my bra straps. I hated it from the very start, but she wouldn't listen to the fact that I hated it. She insisted that it be bought and worn. I felt ridiculous the whole time. Meanwhile, she had on a perfectly sweet fuchsia sundress.

She set my daughter up at my cousin's wedding, which I did not attend. Same situation. Daughter had her chosen outfit with her, but mother disapproved and insisted on taking her shopping. She ignored my daughter's input and bought her something that, daughter said, "made me look like an Easter egg with legs." Almost the same words I used to describe the ugly piece of crap she made me wear to the family reunion. And yes, after dressing my daughter ridiculously in something she hated, my mother had on something adorable.

Some have said that my mother does these things for the same reason that in a wolf pack, only the Alpha female is allowed to breed. She is eliminating competition and establishing herself as the most desirable female present.

But I think of times I have been set up by peers. How many times have I been assured something was "cool" when in fact it was making me a laughingstock? Does this happen to others?

[disguise123]

no thankfully, but i know what you mean. Its not nice.
You guys need a strategy for dealing with your mother.

Mine was to move 3,000 miles away. One of my daughters followed me here, and I'm glad. But I'm sorry for the other daughter, who still lives near my mother and has taken my place in these situations. Similarly, my mother was notorious for alternating between making me (later my daughter) feel bad about our body size, and then trying to get us to join her in eating something fattening. "You're so fat, you really should lose weight. Here, I'm having some ice cream. Want some? You only need self-discipline; it's OK to have just a little...." and those "just a littles" add up. Why? Because, according to my therapists, she wants a woman around who is fatter and more insecure than she is, so she can feel better about herself. If we were to lose weight and/or feel good about ourselves--in addition to the fact that we are younger--she would feel all the more threatened.

And, feel good about myself at my present body size? No, she wouldn't allow it. I tried to tell her about how we are brainwashed by the media into thinking only one body size is attractive, and if we had grown up seeing plus-size women on magazine covers instead-- She cut me off mid syllable. "NO! Fat is not attractive!" So, if she can't make me feel bad by hinting at it, she comes right out and says it.

In school I was the one "performing" for the crowd, doing, wearing, or saying what they said was cool, while they offered me what looked like approval but was actually mocking. Think

, and those who cheered him on in his efforts to become a singer in the days following his American Idol debut. Were they doing it because they really thought he sang well? No. They were making fun of him. Doesn't he know that? Sad to say, he might not.

[disguise123]

i know

[ECHOES]

The best way to deal with a forceful personality is to learn how to be assertive (quite different).

When you are free to speak your mind and stand up for yourself, you are free.
When you are free to just say "I'm wearing this. This is what I like and this is what I'm wearing. This isn't open for discussion.", then you are free.

You are separate people and have separate thoughts about things.

Although I did throw the red herring, I wasn't actually asking, "How do I deal with my overbearing mother?" I already dealt with her, by moving far away and keeping contact to a minimum. I was only using her as an example of someone who sets another person up to fail, so that she can stand taller herself.

It sometimes annoys me when people miss what I really wanted to talk about, and keep going down side streets, but in this case, I know why, because I was too descriptive of my mother. She's not the issue. She's an example of the issue. The real point of the thread, as I intended it, can be found in these paragraphs, especially the bold:

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

But I think of times I have been set up by peers. How many times have I been assured something was "cool" when in fact it was making me a laughingstock? Does this happen to others?

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

In school I was the one "performing" for the crowd, doing, wearing, or saying what they said was cool, while they offered me what looked like approval but was actually mocking.

[disguise123]

still no, but it happens and its horrible.
Teenagers often engage in this behaviour as a pack. To better their social standing? Mindlessly? To better their own self esteem? Because they are learning manipulation and see it as desirable?
Then there are adults who engage in this to better their own self esteem.
Its a sad practice, and i cant imagine any circumstance in my life where i would desire to engage in it myself.
I would say it generally lies in weakness of character by the perpetrator.

[Carole07]

I'm sorry, but there is no way that I would let my mother dress me; under any circumstances. I don't care how pushy she might be. I have always been a rebel though.

[wing]

The first thing my mother said when I called her to say her first grandchild, a girl, my daughter had been born was, "Right, now you'll know what it's like to be second best all the time."

She dressed me in terrible clothes and butchered my hair on a regular basis. I saved myself from some of the ridicule by sewing my own clothes when I got to be a teen, plus sneaking jeans and shirts I bought myself out of the house to wear.

Originally Posted by wingin'it

The first thing my mother said when I called her to say her first grandchild, a girl, my daughter had been born was, "Right, now you'll know what it's like to be second best all the time."

Wow, very interesting!

You know, I am sometimes awed by my two daughters. I've often felt that anything I can do, one or the other or both of them can do better. But that makes me feel *proud* not *envious.* And when one of them shows a trait I don't have, like the ability to stand up for herself without fear of being called a "smart-aleck kid," I think, "That's my girl."

Those butchered home haircuts.... ugh. I got so many of them. I also remember one day, I was around 10, she sat me down and, just feeling silly, started doing my hair in some outrageous, unconventional way I knew everybody was going to laugh at when I got to school. I told her I didn't like it and that I was going to take it down as soon as I got away. Well, she took it down, (good) but then she yelled at me about how she would never have said such a thing to her mother, because she had more respect.

Well, I seriously doubt Mammaw would have sent my mother to school with a deliberately ridiculous hair style. Why did she WANT me to go to school looking funny, when she already knew I got laughed at and bullied enough as it was? I'll never understand, unless it's that "eliminating the competition" thing.

More mother-to-English dictionary:
"Smart-aleck" = "anyone who disagrees with me."
"Kid" = "anyone younger than I am, even if they are a legal adult."
"Respect" = "shutting up and not saying how you feel."

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

Wow, very interesting!

You know, I am sometimes awed by my two daughters. I've often felt that anything I can do, one or the other or both of them can do better. But that makes me feel *proud* not *envious.* And when one of them shows a trait I don't have, like the ability to stand up for herself without fear of being called a "smart-aleck kid," I think, "That's my girl."

Those butchered home haircuts.... ugh. I got so many of them. I also remember one day, I was around 10, she sat me down and, just feeling silly, started doing my hair in some outrageous, unconventional way I knew everybody was going to laugh at when I got to school. I told her I didn't like it and that I was going to take it down as soon as I got away. Well, she took it down, (good) but then she yelled at me about how she would never have said such a thing to her mother, because she had more respect.

Well, I seriously doubt Mammaw would have sent my mother to school with a deliberately ridiculous hair style. Why did she WANT me to go to school looking funny, when she already knew I got laughed at and bullied enough as it was? I'll never understand, unless it's that "eliminating the competition" thing.

More mother-to-English dictionary:
"Smart-aleck" = "anyone who disagrees with me."
"Kid" = "anyone younger than I am, even if they are a legal adult."
"Respect" = "shutting up and not saying how you feel."

Good thing your away from your mother. The behavior she was displaying was constant devaluing you. Now, you need to know that it is over, draw the line, set boundaries for yourself. No more letting others talk you into changing the way you want to express yourself. Think of lady gaga, if she can do all that crazy stuff, everyone else should be able to do what they want without permission from piers or parents. People do all sorts of things now, purple hair, and orange hair, I never know what Im going to see next.

There is nothing wrong with being a full figured woman. Just make sure you eat right and get exercise thats all. Next time anyone trys to tell you how to dress, make sure they know they can go out an buy a doll and dress that, you are done.

Open Eyes

[cynderella_77]

I absolutely understand what it's like to be 'set up' to fail... I have experienced it the most in the workplace, being trained by someone and being purposely misinformed or not informed at all. I don't understand what it is about coworkers who want to see a person fail. I never understood why it wouldnt make more sense to embrace a new 'team' member than to create conflict that makes the workplace unbearable and disruptive. I still don't understand that mindset...

I have also experienced it with a significant other...again, I just cannot understand the point. What has made me the most angry is when the significant other has done it to my children, e.g., misleading my son when he called to ask for help diagnosing an automotive repair problem...that really steps over the line! Why such a 'desperate' need to be in control? Is it really worth the destruction it causes to relationships?

And of course...any efforts to 'discuss' the problem is met with 'desperate' (out of control) anger and adamant denial along with 'the audacity to suggest such a thing'...

So if you're feeling insecure about your social skills to begin with, these tactics certainly don't produce any sense of progress. I am such a 'socialworker' at heart that I tend to give up me to help others and to be met with that kind of treatment just baffles me.

My MIL told me that setting coworkers up to fail is actually quite common. She experienced it herself when working in the layout department of a local classified ads publication. She is a teacher by career. This was a summer job. But people still thought of her as a threat, like she's going to want to make a career there when she already has one, so they would give her conflicting "helpful" advice designed to make her do her job incorrectly. People do this to eliminate the competition and have a better chance at promotion themselves.

In my case, I tend to be "too productive" in a work situation. This, believe it or not, can backfire. While others are chit-chatting at the water cooler, taking personal calls on the phone, or spending company time online playing games, I am cranking out work. Blame my lack of social skills and the fact that I'm sort of off in my own little world sometimes, but the result is the hostility of coworkers: "You turned in 15 completed reports, to our two. What are you trying to do, suck up to the boss so you can get promoted, when I've been here longer? I'm not going to let THAT happen!" And the set-ups begin.

[cynderella_77]

I have never been able to understand those dynamics...but what makes it so bad is that 1...I am so gullable I don't realize it's happening; and 2...I wish I could identify it before i fail....

[pachyderm]

Yes, by a therapist.

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Yes, by a therapist.

Ouch! That must really suck double-time.