[wisewoman]

That's a hard one to measure. At one point it was the measure of my fear and I fear much less then I did. At one point it was learning to listen to the battles raging within with out striking out in harm. What now, T says I am not as separated so I can't deal with one horrific thing after another and then move on. Can't just keep filling the tank to bursting. Doc sayd same thing. But I am less functional, I can't remember stuff, my hands shake, I have a lot of physical pain.

Am I better then I was way back when? yes probably because I am not so afraid, am more secure in my relationships. I have had the experience of crying till my guts leak out and I am safe in that moment of sobbing and experiencing OLD pain.

I measured my worth by my work a lot. I also measured my worth by the way I and others treated the most devalued people in our culture. If I were good and kind and caring then it meant someone should have been that way for me.

I am officially in my middle age crisis. It is about my value, what I have been told my value is, what I believe. It is about that I can't keep taking in more and more pain and puzzles of lives to solve and get crap back at work for it.

It is about wanting to do the job well enough to get validation and love. That's the biggest ouch. Validation and love, yes at times, no at times. But I have always given my heart.

I have been in bed for days really, eating next to nothing. I was thinking that I would have my nurse friend get me a bunch of masks so I coula walk outside without triggering asthma in the cold. I think I want to be alone a lot and I thinK I need to be active in my body.

I have not been able to figure out the retirement stuff, I have two agencies that have my money and it is invested in long term goals. I want to know if I can rol it over to a different form of tax deferred account and borrow against it? I want to borrow to pay hubbie's restitution off. I want to pay the loan for son's tuition off, I want to pay off a credit card, buy my oil, get my friend's woodstove, and a few cords of wood.Property taxes, Maybe even a roof. So many things I just don't know.

I can live with unemploy for a while if all of these above are paid. My spouse makes a whopping $24,000 a year. I am greatful my kids have grown up before this occured.

I am in pain by the woman, the director who wrote me the letter. I am going to try to scan to word or something. I would like opionions on the whole thing.

We had figured that with my employment, all of our debts were paid in 5 years, including motgage. My unemploy cant pay the mortgage.

Wish I could speak to these people in person so I would know what to do. The money people I mean.

I have so much anxiety. Need more clonazapam, forgot to pick it up for two days.

I thought I could do a little travel, like small things, seeing a cous. Most of all I think I want to walk. Walk everywhere, just walk, look, see, enjoy, maybe see. And someday start my felting again with all of my lovely new ideas. Just no juice yet.

Money people anywhere? I don't even know if I have money to mail my daughter a package tomorrow. I will have to call the bank.

My daughter, I want to go see her. I am feeling afraid of driving with my exhaustion and confusion so a bus sounds good. I could stay at my friend's not too far away.

I am so very sad right now. I have lost a big part of my life and it was done in a way that I feel like I finally realized I am but one peice in the works and it can be taken out and replaced. All of my work matters only to those who have died with my assistance, and to me. Maybe a few family members here and there.

I have been wanting to simplify. I can do that. Less need of cars and gas, more homemade food though I am not eating again. More time to hang clothes, no dryer. More time to have a home instead of a house. What would that look like for me? How would it feel?

Geez I am struggling here. It has gotten so bad that I am going to have my son climb the roof and hook up the antenna wire so I can use my router again. I want to see Christmas specials.

And where will my baby be at Christmas? I am not christian, but it is a day of family and feast and light and joy of togetherness and warmth. She has not wanted to be part of Judaism either so I guess the whole thing is up to her. Miss my child. Miss my other child who has a restraining order on me, miss me dead daughter. I tried to find her old soft after ski boots for the youngest tonight, only found one.

I could mumble forever. I can't really give anything to anyone right now except my warmth of feeling. Peace everyone.

[ozzie]

I wish you peace as well. I'm not feeling very supportive right now but wanted you to know that I read your post and I do understand your feelings.

Wisewoman

I'm off to bed but saw your post. I'll read more tomorrow, just wanted you to know I'm here for ya babe.

Petunia

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I don't know any of the answers but wanted to send you a well meant hug ....I hope you can soon move to more doing and less bed

[wisewoman]

Thanks everyone, tomorrow always comes and I will know more. I WILL GO FOR A WALK IN TOWN TOMORROW COME BLIZZARD< WIND AND FREEZE>

[SeptemberMorn]

Gawd, I feel your pain! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{WW}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} You've done things for me that no one else has done. I value you and appreciate you!

Prayers are going up for you, Sweety! It's okay that you don't believe like I do. You are loved!

just want you to know that i read your post and that my heart ached because of all your pain......if i can do anything for you please ask.....

[hillbunnyb]

Hard time of year for a lot of folks. Extra bumps to you
)))))))wisewoman Ozzie(((((((
This too shall pass, i hope sooner than later. LOL

[wisewoman]

Thanks for the support all, brings me tears. Good tears. I got out today and shipped somethings for my little one. Okay, I can still do amazing things! Into one medium suitcase I packed a twin eggcrate mattress cover, a set of twin sheets, a flannel sheet, a comforter, a pair of boots(yes in a plastic bag sillys), a card, 5 boxes of Bazooka Bubble gum! Ta da!

No walking really, just in and out of stores etc. She bleached her clothes, has never done wash. She needs undies and such. But I sent her a new pair of pjas and warm socks. Hopefully gramma will get the underwear as I emailed her last night and asked as I told her about quitting my job.

I spoke with people about my 401K and I am taking a large hit by taking it. I am waiting till Jan for income tax purposes and I am going to pay down and off as much as I can.

The dogs love me home, my son's dashchund even knows to lay on my cold feet.

I have to check out insurance for the "poor" in my state. I know stuff about olders but not youngers.

You know those ridiculus stuffed animals the post office has? I got one and put it in the package with nice things for my daughter.

I did a little today. It is dark now so I want to do no more. It was hard to have an email from the agency director answering a question I had asked. Of course he said no. Didn't imagine much else. Time will heal this as well. My worth is not my job, my job is not my worth.

Your daughter is very lucky to have such a caring mom as you, wisewoman. It does my heart good.

(((( hugs to you both ))))

Petunia

[wisewoman]

Oh Tunia you are so kind! Thanks for the love as I need it muchly right now. Hubby came home and we went to get canned dog food and drop a tarp at a neighbors. They have 7 kids and 5 of them sat on the floor as he spoke of otters and Owl pellets. I wish I could go live there. Beautiful kids, so well loved. I had been given a bunch of G3 desk tops and gave them those and the server. They are setting up and playing with them and it's fun because they will learn networking and teach little ole me.

I am more then my job, I am a loving caring friend, I am a curious, passionate soul, I am creative and joyful and playful. I need to find these mes. Peace again all, thanks for the lovin.

[(JD)]

There is often a sense of being worse off DURING our healing.. as your T explained... that you don't have all those separated, compartmentalized areas to seal things off.. and YOU are dealing with all of it! How exhausting a change!

Also, when we reach the place where we are able to look at ourselves.. our problems.. square in the face... it can again feel overwhelming.... and NOT feel like "healing." It is. It is a time when we have to rely upon the T and his/her judgment that we have made progress. TC Shalom.

[wisewoman]

Thanks Sky

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Wisewoman you are going through sooo much and you still keep on keeping on and are there for your kid and pets and all..I bet you will be ok if not better after this trial my fire so to speak